Adriana's Corner

Chapter Ten

I've discovered a secret about grieving and it was discovered the hard way!

Locking yourself in a house with the phone off, the curtains closed and the doors locked, watching hours/days on end of the same programme; be it a good one or not- is not the way to cope. It does not make the situation disappear and it does not leave one feeling refreshed and ready to face hundreds of people at a funeral.

***

"Um, most of you don't know me but my name is Nina Merelize and...and I'm... I was Adriana's sister."

I look down at my notes but the words fade in front of my eyes. I knew there was no use writing this speech out. I've never prepared a speech before so I don't know why a eulogy should be any different. I decide to ignore the notes and just go from my head.

I look back up at the large crowd before me. I really wasn't expecting this many people. I didn't know it was possible to even have so many friends or maybe it's just another sad insight into my life.

"I don't think I have a right to rave about how lovely she was and how happy she made people because everybody here probably knew her a lot better than I did and there's a lot of you here so...it speaks louder than anything I could say so...I kind of feel hypocritical even being up here when all the good stories are sitting in the audience but, I guess I wanted to thank everyone for being there for her when I couldn't and for being her family when she didn't have any. She loved this place, the people and having this little corner of the world as her home so...thank you all for every and any piece of kindness you've shown her over the years."

I contemplate what else needs to be said but come up with nothing. What else can you say to a crowd of people who are probably wondering why I've decided to show up now instead of when she needed me. I would hate me. I would want me to leave the stage and let somebody who actually knew her to take over. With this discovery, I pick up the original notes and walk off the stage, my head feeling swollen with all the emotions I've been harbouring in there like the little germs they are.

Every single thing I've tried to ignore for the last two and a half days has just intensified and expanded. Now its just seeping out slowly like a bitter toxic poison, ready to swallow me whole and spit me back out again.

If I thought I was ready to break the other day, it was nothing compared to how ready I am to lose it today.

Seeing Taffy here has made me wonder how many other people are thinking what she was.

Seeing Charlie has made me wonder yet again about my family and seeing Joe is making me wonder why I'm wondering all these little things when more important things are going on in other people's lives.

I can't wait to go home.

Home.

Strange word.

I did feel bad that I don't remember much about the funeral but Joe told me that's okay. He even used the word 'normal', though I don't feel it.

I do remember meeting the doctor. The infamous 'Dr McFrowney' morphed into 'Dr McSympathetic.'

I also remember the parents of some of the children she used to help, including two sets of parents who had lost their children and remembered how helpful Adriana was.

I remember meeting the head of the cancer foundation who said, and I quote: "Her generous donations helped so many people and were very much appreciated."

Donations?

Generous donations?

The whole thing has me very confused and ready to sleep for a very, very long time while I figure it all out.

***

Joe and Alyssa drove me to the funeral and at present are driving me back. Thankfully, they get lost in their own conversations while driving. I think this is deliberate so as not to make me feel like I have to have any conversation of my own. I'm glad. I don't think I can muster up the enthusiasm to do it.

We pull up and Alyssa beams me a smile.

"So, Nina, I thought that if you're not busy tomorrow and only if you like, I could come over and we could have like a girl day in...or out. You don't have to but...you look like you need a friend. I have to work in the morning so you can like, sleep in if you want. Whatever but...let me know."

I smile at her, feeling exhausted but knowing I made a promise to myself and to Miles that after the funeral, I'd start pulling myself together so I nod.

"That sounds lovely. Thank you."

"Good. Tomorrow then?"

"Thank you both for this," I say, suppressing a yawn and opening the car door.

"You're welcome."

"Give us a yell if you need anything," Joe adds. I smile at the kind, slightly tidier man.

"Thank you."

***

I lock the door behind me and turn to the airy, quiet house in front of me. For the first time, I realise just how empty this house feels without Adriana in it. I keep mentally calling this place home but these knick-knacks and array of random things weren't given to me. They were given to Adriana by people who cared about her.

I have nothing in my apartment...from anybody.

I take the phone off the hook, the loneliness of the last fifteen years of my life consuming me, making me shake and for some reason, panic.

The emotions I've been feeding like a coal fire the last few days decide to explode and I burst into tears.

Sad, bitter, guilty, lonely tears. The reality of why I'm here hits me. The unfairness of everything hits me, the guilt hits me and the knowledge that I'm going back to London to an empty flat hits me.

I was hoping to make it to my bed before breaking down but instead, I remain bent over in the middle of the lounge room trying to breathe through the loud heaving sobs.

I miss my sister.

I feel like a monster for not getting to know her earlier.

And I wish I could just take the last fifteen years back and do it all over.

The tears are hot, I feel like I've swallowed a grater and my stomach is aching but despite this, I can't stop.

I attempt a couple of deep breaths and stand up, trying to hold the remainder of the emotion in until I get to the bedroom but trying to hold it back is like trying to catch a wall of water with a paper cup. I get as far as the hall before I burst into loud cries again sliding down the wall onto the floor where I decide to stay. Eventually, exhaustion turns the heavy cries into weeping then into light sobs and in the end...sleep.

***