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RJ always looks forward to his afternoons with Maine. He would wait for her to return from the Women's Shelter where she volunteers, catch up on how each of their days went, and they would go to a nearby restaurant to have dinner. He has invited her on several occasions to have dinner with him back at his place, so that he could cook for her. But he sees how Maine would sometimes struggle on how to respond, so he would just tell her that they can have dinner elsewhere. He understands that she still has these trust issues, and that she is still in that healing stage. And he so waits, patiently holding back from confessing how he has fallen in love with her.
Yes, he is in love with her. He knows it now, for he has never felt this way before with any other woman that he has been with. He longs to see her everyday, anxious at how her day went, feeling the pain that she feels whenever she tells him about her day at the Women's Shelter, which makes her recall her days in the Brood. He wants to take away all the pain and hurt of her past, and tell her how he feels.
But he knows it is not yet time. For now, he is contented spending evenings with her, as he slowly builds up his way towards letting her know that he wants to go beyond just sharing stories of their days.
//
"Can we eat somewhere else? Aren't you getting tired of eating in this place each day?"
RJ looked at Maine, startled at what she just said. It was unlike her to suggest something different in their routine. It excited him, because he knows how change is for her, having been confined within the walls of the Brood, and the days she spent at the Home. It makes her panic when something is disrupted, and she retreats into herself whenever someone tries to alter anything that she has resigned to accepting as 'normal'. He learned this about her back in the Home when he was still handling her case, when she refuses to talk to him because she never does talk to anyone.
Breaking down her walls, however slowly, was a huge accomplishment. Now, hearing her complaining about eating arrangements brought some joy to his heart.
"Where do you want to go? What do you feel like eating for dinner, Maine?"
She looked at him, with eyes that he is still trying to read through but finds it difficult because he is too mesmerized at how beautiful they are.
"You said before that you can cook dinner for us. Well... will it be too much if we go to your place tonight?"
He felt his smile going all the way up to his ears, hearing that Maine wanted to go with him and finally taking up on his offer to cook for her. It's a huge step for her, being able to say out loud what she wants. Her days in the Brood made her just silently obeying to stuff that she repulses, so to actually say what she wants to do and happen is a huge development. RJ took her hand gently.
"Of course. What do you feel like eating? We can stop by the grocery and buy ingredients."
She remained thoughtful for a minute, holding on to RJ's hand, before speaking.
"I've always wanted to know how a chicken alfredo tastes like. Is that ok?"
Pasta has always been up RJ's alley, and he was glad that Maine requested that. He squeezed her hand and smiled at her.
"Let's go then."
//
As he moved about his kitchen, he was conscious that Maine was a bit uncomfortable being in a new place, and alone with him. He feels that she's beginning to regret even asking him to go to his place. He could sense that she's about to panic, so he stopped prepping for their dinner and talked to her.
"Maine, we could still go out to another place for dinner, if this doesn't seem right for you. I mean... I don't want you to feel ... constrained in here. Please, talk to me."
Maine sat staring at him and lowered her gaze. She was rubbing her palms on her jeans over and over again, as she was trying to steady her breathing.
"RJ... I'm sorry. It's just that...for a long time, I've always been inside a place with four walls. I am feeling overwhelmed right now...but you're here with me, and I... I don't know how to feel..."
RJ went to her side and held her hands. They were cold and clammy.
"Let's go, we can do this some other time. I don't want to see you like this, Maine."
He stood and pulled her up, and as she held on to his arms, she looked up at him. It was a look that RJ still had to struggle against every urge from holding her close and kissing her inviting lips. He averted his gaze, released her and took his keys from the kitchen counter.
//
As they sat across from each other over dinner of ramen, both were silent. RJ was getting frustrated at their situation, but he knows he has to stay patient with her. He's a social worker, and he has dealt with cases like hers before, yet Maine is different. He's in love with her, he's established that already but he can't just spring it out on her.
"RJ, I know that I'm only being a burden to you, and I'm sorry. But...I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Back in your place, I felt like I was back in that room in the Brood, but please know that I am not afraid. Not with you. I'm afraid of ..."
She paused, thinking of what she will say next, which made RJ struggle to breathe.
"... I'm afraid of what I am beginning to feel... for you."
He looked at her, surprised at what she said. He had his hopes up, but he didn't want to force her. At the back of his head, he knows that she's not ready, and that what she is feeling right now is not the same as how he feels for her.
"I know that I care for you RJ, and perhaps, maybe, I love you already..."
RJ held her hand in his, and he was glad that she didn't pull away.
"...but maybe because I depend on you too much, or that you spend a lot of time with me, or maybe... maybe I still don't know what to do with these feelings. They are all too new for me."
They stared at each other, lost in thought and in each other's eyes. He took her hands and brought it to his lips, kissing them so gently.
"I will never pressure you into something you are not ready for, Maine. Your feelings matter to me, and I will remain here for you."
