From a Christian Girl's Perspective

A Snippet of My Past Life

  "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."-Romans 8:18

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People around me see me as a very happy person now. God has gotten me out of my shell. But before I became the very colorful, cheery person that I am today, I was a broken mess.

I remember the younger me who had no one to talk to. I would keep sketching because no one really wanted to talk to me.

I remember looking at myself in the mirror and not being happy with who I was. I saw myself as ugly, as mean, as unaccepted.

I remember the nights, I desperately cried, did everything to fit in -even to the point of lying about having a best friend because I was desperate for one. But my last resort was praying to God for a sense of acceptance from a group of friends (my thought was that whether He existed or not, I did not care, but at least I was able to do one more "remedy" to fit in.)

I remember having BED ( binge-eating disorder), because I could not handle it anymore. The devil lied me into believing that food gave me solace. I would eat uncontrollably, even to the point of being disgusted. Yet, I still ate and ate and ate -to the point of severe obesity.

M grades weren't well and at that time, I thought that my identity was found in my grades. I thought, "Excelling academically was the only thing I have, the only thing that made me special and if I lost it, then what do I have left?"

I remember blaming God for all my misfortunes in my life.

I remember thinking of every school day as hell.People talked behind my back, people verbally hurt me, and whenever we had to work in pairs, I was always that odd  one who was left with no one to pair with so I had to work on my own.

I remember our class being tasked to write a letter for our best friends in class. I did not receive any letter.

I remember just wanting to end my life.

I remember the many times I would lock myself in the bathroom and pick up the razor.

I just wanted to use that razor to cut myself and end all the suffering.

But looking back, I realize that God had always been there for me.

Whenever I would pick up that razor and thrust it near my wrist, something always stopped me from doing so.

That "something" reminded me that if I killed my self, I would go to hell. If I killed myself, my parents would blame themselves for the rest of their lives and their marriage would turn out as a wreck.

That "something" made me realize that no matter how difficult life had been, I must hold on. Life felt like it had no direction whatsoever; just an endless loop of misery. But that "something" was always on time to save me.

Five years later, I realize that that "something" is actually a "Someone"- God.

You may not hear Him, but He is always there. And if you keep fighting -it might take years-you will never know what He has in store for you. He has a plan, a direction, a purpose for you.

Killing yourself should never be an option. Stop allowing anything else to define who you are. You're not bad, you're just broken. Trust me, He makes the broken beautiful. 

He was broken to make you whole again.

I prayed five years ago, and God answered and gave me exceedingly, abundantly, more than anything I could imagine.

God wants to do the same for you. Do not limit Him.

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I have the song "You Have My Heart" by Every Nation Music from their album Doxology. Play it as you meditate and pray :) I have the lyrics down below so you may worship along!

source: https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/Every-Nation-Music-feat-Isa-Fabregas/You-Have-My-Heart-feat-Isa-Fabregas

You Have My Heart (feat. Isa Fabregas) 

Every Nation Music, Isa Fabregas

My life the pen of a ready writer

I am the furnace and You are the fire, God

Oh You burn in me...

My soul is ablaze with a glorious theme

My heart has been served by the love of a matchless King

Love alive in me...

Lord, You have my heart,

You have my devotion.

Lord You have my heart...

(2nd stanza)

Forever I will lay at Your feet all the glory

You are the Author and I am the story, God

Have Your way in me...

You purchase my freedon when You conquered death

To the ends of the earth and 'til my final breath

I'm Yours, everything in me...

Lord You have my heart,

You have my devotion.

Lord You have my heart. ooohh

I don't have much to bring, but You can have all of me

You made the broken, beautiful

Ever I'll burn for You, there's nothing I'm holding to

All of my life is Yours alone... (repeat)