Falling for the Raven [L.Lawliet x Reader]

Chapter 30

Today was Valentine's Day. I sat on my bed starring at myself in the vanity mirror. That was it. That's what I've been doing from about 4:00 p.m. to now. I'm not sure how long I was there, but clearly it had been a while because the sun was about to set when I got up. It was Saturday. About three weeks had past since he... shut his eyes you could say. The past week all I had done was mope around when I was at the apartment. At work though, my switch flipped. I did everything I could to find Kira. A lot of that was research. I went in early and stayed there late.
I wanted to plan a funeral, but whenever I thought of him I couldn't do anything. My body would go numb, and my hands would shake. I would struggle breathing. Other times when I thought of him my I would smile, and remember what we were. At the worst of times, I would weep. I would shove my face in my pillow, and I'd hope only my pillow could hear my uneven cries. My fingers drummed on my knee, trying to gain sanity. As if that would help.
"Hey babe," Lizzie called," dinner's here." We had ordered some noodles earlier. I got cold Udon. It was my favorite.
"Okay," I whispered back. I was sure they couldn't hear me. I made my way to leave my room. My hands shook as I reached for the doorknob. Shaky breaths exited my dry lips. My lips quivered as I tried not to cry.
Is how I'm supposed to grief? Shouldn't I be over this by now? I clenched my hands a few times before I opened the door.
I swung the door open, and I trudged out. I don't talk to people anymore. I can't. Every word that comes out of my mouth is like a threat from my eyes to spill. It hurts to live. GOD DAMNIT! Why am I such a baby?! I hate crying. It shows people that I'm weak.
Am I even recovering? Is this getting any better? Will I ever get better? WHY IS THIS SO HARD? I hate death. It's stupid. I knelt down at the table beside Lizzie and Charlotte. They exchanged looks. Their eyes had a conversation that I wasn't part of. We sat a few moments in silence, as Lizzie and Charlotte fought each other with eye contact. This has been happening a lot, people pity me. My grieving makes them feel bad. I hate it. I hate life. It's just as bad as death.
Charlotte finally spoke,"...Are you okay?"
I bit my lip again, like that was going to help tears from pouring. My lips parted the slightest bit.
"No," I mumbled," I don't know what to do." They nodded their heads understandingly. "It's not fair! He didn't deserve this. And I'm going to be jealous and angry forever because I could've saved him! I'm jealous of both of you. I'm jealous of everyone who got to keep their love. And I don't want to be angry, or jealous, or broken, but that's not my choice. And I'm never going to be the same. I'm not sure if I'll change for the better or for the worse. I DON'T KNOW! I don't know if I want to know. I don't want to know what I'm missing, what I could've had. But I want what I don't have anymore. I want him back. I want to go back in time and save him. Because I lost. I wasn't able to protect him. But THAT'S NOT WHAT LIFE IS. THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE! I feel like I've lost. I feel like I have nothing left. And people tell me to choose what thoughts consume my mind. And all I have to do is choose optimism. But I am positive, I am looking up. And I'm tired of people telling me that they know what I'm going through, and they know how I feel. But they haven't experienced ME YET! I'm sick of it. Sometimes it's bad. Some moments, and these are the worst times, I don't want to live. I want to end my life as soon as possible. I know there's more to life than love. But my life and my love don't exist without L. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore! I love him and I... I HATE THIS ALL!" I yelled. Then I cried because I haven't done that. Charlotte and Lizzie came to my side, hugging me.
We stayed like that for a long time. Eventually we got up and ate. The meal was quiet and comfortable. I didn't eat much, I had lost my appetite. I haven't eaten much these past weeks. And then we were back to starring at myself in the mirror. Tears once again falling. I was paralyzed, unable to stand up.
My phone buzzed. I glanced at my beside table. It was a text. I was unable to see who was trying to contact me. I regained my control and made my way to my phone.
It was a text from Lawliet.
••sorry I'm 2 1/2 weeks late. Also sorry for this cliffhanger. Also sorry this is short••