Addicted. (Destiel)

What is this?

Dean's POV

Dean and Castiel went down to prepare the table for dinner. A few minutes later everybody sat down and Ruth served two big pizzas and a bowl with salad.
Dean sat between Castiel and Ash. He grabbed a piece of pizza and took a big bite of it. A few minutes passed until Ash started to talk with Dean.

"Your name is Dean, right?" Dean nodded.
"I heard you got caught with marijuana."

"Yeah." His voice turned down and he leaned in to whisper. "Do you know where I can get some?"

Now Ash was whispering too. "I can buy some for you, if you hand me some money. Come to my room after dinner"

Dean nodded again and took another bite of his pizza. It seemed that nobody has heard them talking. When everybody had finished their pizza, Garth and Rufus went to the kitchen and helped Ruth, while the other boys where on their way to their rooms.

Dean grabbed an old shirt out of his bag to sleep in it and threw it on his bed.

"I'll go to the bathroom" he told Cas and quickly shove 20$ into his pocket. With a glance to Castiel he made sure he didn't recognize his aktions. He grabbed his toothbrush and went out the door.

On the way back from the bathroom he knocked at Ash's door and handed him the money without saying a word. Ash just winked and closed the door again.

Dean walked along the hallway and entered his room and there stood Castiel. Without a shirt. He was about to change for the night and hadn't recognized Dean yet.

"Oh uhh... S-Sorry I-" Cas turned around and shrugged.

Shit. I see him shirtless. Hopefully I don't get a boner now. He looks so damn hot. Wait...what am I thinking about?

Dean knew this moment was as awkward for Cas as it was for himself but he couldn't manage to look away from his body.

"Can you... stop staring at me while I get changed, please?" Cas asked.

"I- I wasn't... sorry" Dean stuttered but didn't quit staring at the boy. As Cas pulled on his sleeping shirt, Dean saw something on his left arm. He wasn't sure if it was really there but it looked like scars...

No, Cas please... don't let this be real. Should I talk to him about it? Idk... Maybe. But not yet, I just knew him for a few hours.

Dean quickly got changed and layed down in his bed. He couldn't sleep 'cause he was thinking about Castiel and the thing on his arm.

Cas' POV

Castiels gaze accidentally went to Dean when he put off his shirt and his jeans.

God, this guy is muscular all over his body and... wait. Does he have a boner? No, I may haven't seen right. Oh, he turns around. Stop staring.

He covered his body with the blanket and stared at the ceiling when Dean turned off the light. His thoughts were keeping him awake.

Did he see the scars? I hope not... It's not that easy to hide them when you share your room with a person...
...I've never met such a beautiful person before. He looks fantastic. He plays guitar very well. He can sing. And his eyes...
...Mom and dad would have hated me for being gay. Am I really gay? I haven't had any girlfriend yet...

A deep breath escaped his mouth. After about 50 minutes staring holes in the air, his gaze went to Dean's bed. Only to find him staring at Castiel.

"How long did you stare at me now?"
"Just... checking if you're asleep, sorry." Dean mumbled the last part. "Why are you still awake?"

"I'm just... thinking." Cas answered.
"About what?"

"About... things." Cas felt stupid with this answer but it was the only thing that came to his mind.

"You don't wanna talk about it?" Dean asked with a gently voice.

"No, not really."
"But if you need somebody to talk, I'll be there for you. Keep it in mind."

Castiel smiled half-hearted and whispered a short "thanks".

A couple of minutes later he heard Dean snoring slightly. He still couldn't sleep and his thoughts went deeper. He missed his parents. Every time when he closed his eyes he saw his big brother Gabriel shouting at him: "It was your fault they died. You killed them. It was your fault."

Castiel ripped his eyes open. A heavy pain penetrated his chest. His eyes filled with tears. It was a night like every other.

He couldn't stand the pain in his chest anymore so he made sure that Dean was asleep and stood up and went to the bathroom. It was 1 am. Castiel searched for the blade he took from his razor a few months ago. He was hiding it under an empty shampoo bottle.

He put it on his arm, pushed it down and pulled it through his skin until the warm red liquid flew down his arm. He did it three times. One for his parents, one for Gabe and one because he's gay.

Tears rushed down his face. A soft moan escaped his mouth and he broke down next to the toilet. He laid there for what felt like hours huddled together. The pain was still there. No longer in his chest, it was in his arm now. But this pain felt better. If felt like victory, though it was damage. He couldn't handle his actions. He had to stop, he knew that, but he couldn't. And nobody understands that.

When he managed to gather himself he stood up, washed the tears from his face and the blood from his arm without sharing not even a small glance to the mirrow and went back to bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I suck at grammar, I'm sorry.
What do you think of the story so far? Leave comments ;)