Harry Potter OC Reviews {open}

Twinnie Chamberlain

↳ Name: Twinnie Chamberlain This is a pretty original name, but not original enough to be cliché, good job.

↳ Nicknames: Birdie [family] Ok, but why?

↳ Age: 29 Original

↳ Gender: Female Ok

↳ Species / Ethnicity: Human, British-American 

↳ Birthplace, Birthday: Scotland, Aviemore 1891 July 21st Nice, very specific.

↳ Residence: Berlin, Germany Is this an original universe then?

↳ Face Claim: Hayley Atwell

↳ Personality: Social, comfortable around others. Self-centred, likes to be the center of attention. Outgoing. Engaged. A born leader. Assertive and outspoken. Driven to lead. Decisive. A planner, prepared, organized, orderly, clean. A perfectionist. Prepares for worst case scenarios. Hard working. Analytical, academic, scientific. Hates to be bored. Finishes most things they start. Good ability to understand difficult organizational problems and create solid solutions. Intelligent and well-informed. Excels at public speaking. Values knowledge and competence, and usually has little patience with inefficiency or disorganization. Fearless. Manipulative. Thrill seeking, risk taking. Image conscious and image focused. Narcissistic. Adventurous. Emotionally unstable. She has quite a lot of traits, and a fair few of them are cliché. Maybe consider making her have fewer traits, as although most things are quite balanced, she can't be 'everything' if you know what I mean.

↳ Strengths: Creative, passionate, generous, warm-hearted, cheerful, humorous Ok

↳ Weaknesses: Arrogant, stubborn, self-centered, lazy, inflexible It doesn't really make sense that she's lazy, but in her personality, it says she's engaged, prepared, organized and hard-working. The lazy trait goes against loads of things in the personality. Perhaps you could cut this and change it to something else, but you don't have to.

↳ Family:

Albert Chamberlain: father [British]

Eleanor Harmon: mother [American]

Ralph Chamberlain: older brother

Christopher Chamberlain: older brother

Ed Chamberlain: older brother

Julius Chamberlain: older brother

Mildred Chamberlain: older sister

↳ House: Gryffindor She sounds more like a Ravenclaw to me, but I guess it's what's on the inside that counts to the sorting hat...

↳ Wand: The wand is made of myrtle wood and has a core of phoenix feather. It is 10 and 1/2 inches long and is rather sturdy. It is somewhat darkly coloured and is roughly carved. Sounds good, I haven't heard of this combination before. I know that phoenix feather core is pretty rare, therefore most OC's have it and it's kind of cliché now. But I guess that's fine.

↳ Blood-Status: Half-Blood or Pureblood How can she be both? Or have you not decided yet? If you haven't decided yet then that's fine.

↳ Patronus: Sheepdog Nice

↳ Crush: Clyde Holmes [muggle OC]

↳ BACKSTORY: Twinnie was adopted by the Chamberlains when she was 8. Her original name was Cecilia but the Chamberlains wanted something unique to run in the family. She had four step-brothers and one step-sister who she got along with very well. She didn't complain about being adopted and she didn't ask any questions about it, Twinnie went to Hogwarts for most of her life (her real mother was a witch and her real father was a wizard). Twinnie then when she graduated from Hogwarts she moved to Germany to search for her older sister who disappeared when she was 15 and discover new magical creatures in Germany. The adopted things quite cliché, but otherwise, her backstory sounds quite cool. When it comes to backstories, I never like to say change the adopted/homeless/orphan thing as it could end up ruining the whole plot. But seeing as the rest of it sounds good, well done!

Occupation: Magizoologist Like Newt? Cool!

Twinnie sounds like a cool character, and with a little more development, she'll be awesome! She's an interesting character and makes me want to find out more about her. How did her sister disappear? What happened to her parents? All of this is really intriguing so well done! Just be careful with some of the cliché things in there eg. phoenix feather core, being adopted, some of the traits in her personality not matching her weaknesses. But don't worry! All of this stuff can be fixed! All you need to do is add your own twist to things so that it stands out from the crowd (this is for stuff like the adopted thing). Also, unless it plays a MAJOR part in the plot, you could probably do with cutting it out (such as some of the extra traits and/or the wand core). But overall, a massive well done. A lot of thought has obviously gone into creating Twinnie!

Mary Sue rating: 40%

Grade: C+

A/N I'm gonna put this in all of the chapters, but I am currently taking members for my brand new book club. If you want to get your book recognised with some votes and constructive comments, go ahead and find the 'fanfiction book club' on my profile page and read the rules! Thanks!