Me, myself, and Shawn Mendes

Chapter 20//Depression

Shawn's POV:

A few days had gone by. I was having deep thoughts about life and I wasn't feeling like myself. I hadn't told Emma because I knew she would overreact and take things to different levels. I knew she had gone through depression, and I didn't want her knowing that I was going through it at the time. I limited talking to her for a few days. There would be days that she would facetime call me, and I would end up showing the ceiling the whole time, completely silent while I just played chords on my guitar. I felt the need to be alone for a while. Not being able to sing and perform was the worst feeling in the world, and not being able to cry in Emma's arms was the worst thing ever too. I sat in my room, crying for hours as I played my songs on the guitar. Playing them tore me apart. Tears trickled down my cheeks, as my hands trembled strumming my guitar. Weeks had passed. Emma started to suspect things, but I just told her I've been catching up on homework since I was focused on my music before. She actually believed it and actually decided to leave me alone for a while. I felt so bad for ignoring her and shutting her out, but at the time it felt right to do.

One day I was playing A little too much as Emma Facetime called me. I guess not being able to talk to me was finally getting to her. I declined her call and continued playing. She called four more times making me decline another four times. I never felt so bad for ignoring Emma. She hadn't done anything to me, yet I felt the urge to ignore her at all costs so I could have time to sort things out. I needed time alone to cry, to be me, to just be alone. I hadn't eaten much in those weeks, I lost a few pounds and I didn't get much sleep from late night thinking. There was a night that I had grabbed my laptop and searched up the symptoms of depression. I looked at symptoms and it was like I actually was going through depression. I had a lack of sleep, rethinking sad situations, loss of weight, constant crying. After thinking for a while that night, I decided to go to a psychologist the next day to see really what was going on.

Next morning, I woke up gasping for air. I had a horrible dream about me standing in front of millions of fans. I was singing, I seemed so happy until I saw Emma backstage. She stood there crying. My manager grabbed her by the arm. He came up onto the stage and pushed me as she shouted into the mic. He shouted, "This girl is the reason why this fandom is falling apart and Shawn is being kicked out of his record deal." He grabbed her and threw her into the crowd. The fans punched her, kicked her, beat her. I tried to run after her but in a matter of seconds, chains were around my wrists and ankles restricting me from saving her. I fell to the ground on my knees. I screamed and cried, and that was all I could do. After I woke up from this dream I couldn't think straight and I sat on my bed crying with my head in my knees. I struggled to get out of bed and out the door that day. I walked out my house as fast as possible so no one saw how much of a mess I was that day. I drove blankly. My mind was blank, my emotions were blank. I listened to my old album in the car. As I arrived at the psychologist I became jittery and scared to know what was going on with me. Since it was so early and the office had just opened I signed the sign-in sheet and was called within five minutes.

I walked into the big room. There were a long couch and a small bench with wheels under it, both were white. The room was warm. The walls were painted a medium gray. The pillows on the couch were white and gray. The room looked professional but calming and friendly. I sat down on the long couch waiting for the psychologist. My knee was shaking a lot and I bit my thumbnail. After three minutes of waiting, I eventually felt a soft and medium sized hand on my shoulder. I turned to see a short lady with heels and a dress on. She held a clipboard and a pencil in her hair. She sat down on the bench with wheels and looked at me and smiled.

"Are you Shawn Mendes?" she asked nicely.

"Um...Yeah, I am," I was so nervous and scared to talk about what's been going on with me.