Sidemen Oneshots

Zerkstar - Goodbye

A/N - I have only realised now that most of my one-shots are quite fluffy. Well, no more so grab the tissues and prepare to cry your heart out - I hope anyways. Also wanted to try a different style of writing, so let me know if you weren't cringed when you read this you >.<

Warnings- Angst, depression, self-harm, suicide, death, 

Dear Vik,

If your reading this and I'm gone out the house, then I'm dead. This is my suicide note and I am only writing this to you but you can show it to the rest of the sidemen to let them know. At the bottom, it has my signature so you can prove that I indeed wrote it. I'm sorry Vik, I tried to be happy, to hide my pain, to bear the burden of myself, But I couldn't. I just couldn't. It was hard for me to tell you, any of you, but especially you Vik. I could never tell yo anything about me. So I decided to write it. I'll never get to see your disgusted reaction when I tell you this, so I figured it will probably hurt less.

Let's start with the tame stuff, I'm gay. Ah, that's a charming way to come out the closet. But yes I've always ben gay and only get turn on by sausages instead of doughnut holes. That was bad, but cba to think of another metaphor. Either way, I've realised it from the very beginning, you might accept me (I pray that you do) or you might be disgusted, but in the end, I hate myself for being that way, I'll let you know as this continues. 

From when started in year 7, I was known as being cute, all the girls would swoon over me, and I gave the cold shoulder, I knew what they wanted, and I can't lie and say I was interested in any way. I just wanted to be left alone. Of course, all the guys in my year got jealous, they would find a spot and throw insults at me, and maybe beat me u a couple of times, if the teachers weren't around. You may wonder whether I spoke to anyone about the bullying, and the answer is yes. The problem being that no one believed me, and I had no evidence of the bullying. Tobi was my only friend, but everyone, including myself, kept Tobi in the dark about this. I didn't want Tobi to find out I was gay. Of course, o one actually knew if I was actually gay or not, but the mere thought of me potentially being one. And I didn't want him to know, I didn't want to lose him, I didn't want him to be disgusted. So I kept it a secret from them. 

But it didn't stop at school. My own parents disowned me when I confessed. I always believed they were such loving parents. They use to always take me to the park after school, they use to always buy me gifts and I was showered with lots of affection. But when I said those two words, their personalities I once knew my parents to own did a complete 180. I was mortified, shocked, miserable and lonely. No one accepted me, I'll never be loved. That's when I discovered YouTube.

I decided to make a channel and upload CoD videos. It was fun. it took my mind of family, school, myself. it made me forget reality. But it wasn't enough. I got love true, but in the back of my mind, even strangers who don't know who I am are giving me hate. That thought along with everything else pushed me closer to the edge.

I decided to use a new method of distractions, and participate in self-harm. I still do, though I could never get away with cutting in the sidemen house, so I resorted to bruising now with banging my wrist on the desk when I "rage" and resorting to fucking staples to scar my thighs, no one can see the scars there. How desperate I was. However, when I was living on my own, I did use a knife every time. The pain physically was a distraction. It was a way for me to hide my mental instability. I was insane. Hell, I am insane. Well, I suppose it will still be was by the time you read this. I never wanted anyone to know. But that's not the worst part is not any of that. In fact, the worst part is ... I love you.

Fuck why was that so difficult to write. I'm in tears now. But it's true, the gay depressed maniac of a sideman fell in love with the cutest, genuine, angelic sidemen - no person that I've come across. You were always smiling. It made me overjoyed. I was especially at peace when ou laugh. It filled me with such joy, only by a simple laugh. I did fall in love with you. Your eyes are like a chocolate whirlpool only found in the depth of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Your smile has the power to lift all my insecurities to oblivion in just an instant. your touch, makes me lose all my mind and remodels me to become irrational. I love every moment I get to even see you. But it could never be. You don't deserve someone so depressed and lost. You don't need me holding yu back. you deserve the best in life and that's not with me. 

By now you should know that I hate myself. My whole existence hurts me because all I've ever managed is to hurt people with my real self. People only like me when I've hidden everything away and everything you knew about me was a lie. But I can no longer maintain this act, so the show must come to a close. And that's everything that drove me to the edge of the bridge I jumped off.  Please, don't blame yourself; it's not your fault. I ended my own life out of my choice. You may not have known anything but that again was my fault. I purposefully hid everything. What can I say, the only good thing about me is that I can act well now. Well, used to. Tell the sidemen that I do also love them like family, that they treated me right. But now don't fret about me, don't let it haunt you. Please move on from me. I wrote this so you wouldn't be left asking why. so you all know. @Therewas nothing you could've done. Even if I didn't love you, it was inevitable. I was just getting more psychotic by the moment, so I couldn't live with it. 

So for the final time. I love you Vik

Goodbye

Joshua Bradley

By the time Vik read this, as Josh said, it was too late. 

Vik cried and screamed as he knew he could not get Josh back. 

That life would never be the same. 

The thing is, Josh was just as oblivious as Vik was in a sense.

He could not tell that Vik cared for him; that Vik was obsessed with him. 

Vik loved him too.

Everything about Josh drove Vik crazy.

But he never said it. 

And now it's too late. 

Josh already said goodbye.

A/N - I was crying whilst I wrote this. My tissues all ran out TT^TT. 

Thank you all for reading this. I keep repeating myself like a broken record, but I can't believe the support I have on writing this book, and this is my first one. If you like this style of writing, let me know. I kind of want to write a part 2 of this but I'm not sure yet so let me know if you want that. If you have a request of any sort, just comment it below, and I will read it, so Thank you all for reading :)