Fix Me // b.b {COMPLETE}

One : Harsh Words

Some people call me dramatic, but how else are you supposed to act when someone you love is gone? It's been four months. Four months without my best friend, and these past months have been filled with tears, constantly staying up in my room, and lots and lots of wine. 

Mom took it the worst. When the call came in at 2:43 that morning, it was almost like she died with him. I have never seen her so full of grief, so full of regret. She still blames herself to this day, but it was not her fault. Why would someone who tried to help, be so full of regret?

Dad doesn't really show emotion, he is just like grandpa. He didn't even cry at the funeral. The only time when he cried is when our birthday came around. It was the first holiday without him there. Dad doesn't really talk anymore either, he just keeps to himself. Sometimes, he goes days without saying a word to either me or mom.

People say it should hurt less now, but it doesn't. The pain never goes away, it's just bearable now. I lost friends, I guess they don't like the new quiet Raelyn. I am much more aware now, always looking over my shoulder for people who might be going through the same thing as Ryan did.

Ryan was my best friend. He would always make fun of me for being older, calling me 'old woman' or 'grandma', even though we were five minutes apart. I remember everything so vividly, to playing on the swings when we were five, to drinking our first beer when we were twenty-one, and to finding him in the bathroom floor with a blue face and pills in his hand when we were twenty-three. Everything is easy to remember, but even harder to forget.

I turn over in my comfortable bed and grab my phone.

12:37pm.

I lay up and I am instantly hit with sadness, but I hold in my tears and stand up. I walk out of my room into the hallway, I look at the old pictures on the wall. I shake my head and walk into the bathroom. I flip the tiny switch on the wall, almost cringing at my greasy hair and yellow teeth. I sigh and turn around to turn on the water to the shower. The sounds of falling water relaxes me. I hop into the shower, letting the warm water relax my tense muscles. I wash my hair for the first time in about a week. Time has consumed me.

I step out of the warm shower. The mirror is steamed up from the hotness of the room. I wrap a towel around my dripping body and one around my tangled hair, then proceed to walk out of the bathroom. My feet are cushioned by the soft, off-white carpet. I walk down the lonely hallway to my room, opening the door then shutting it lightly. I drop the towel from my shivering body and open my closet to clothes I haven't worn in forever, it has mostly been my candy pajamas that Ryan bought me for our birthday with a long sleeve shirt of his. I take out my grey hoodie with white strings going down the front, my black jeans that I wore to Ryan's funeral, and my white converse. I let down my hair out of the towel and begin to brush it. Many tangles and painful whimpers later, my hair is not in tangles. I quickly turn on my hair dryer, but turn it off when my hair is half way dry. I grab my shoes in my hand and walk out of my room.

I walk downstairs, seeing Cookie laying in the floor right beside the front door. I get on my knees and begin to pet my Husky. I kiss her head before standing up, now walking into the kitchen. Seeing mom looking out the window with a cup of coffee in her hand, it breaks my heart. She does this every single morning, looking out at the driveway, hoping to see Ryan's car pull up in the drive way then him walking in greeting her with a warm hug and loving kiss. But it is just a fantasy, it will never happen, no matter how bad we all want it to.

"Good morning mama. " I say quietly and she turns around and smiles a sad smile at me.

"Sleep well, dear?" she asks me, she hasn't called me by my name since the funeral, my name is too similar to his I don't think she could bear it if she said it, and I don't blame her.

"It was okay." I say then walk into the dining room where dad is sitting reading the daily news.

"Morning dad." I say and sit down in the seat across from him.

All he does is look up at me, nod, then go back to reading the paper with his glasses on the tip of his nose. Why do I even try anymore? I sigh and stand up, walking into the living room and open my phone.

1 missed call from Ivy.

I press her name and put the phone up to my ear. The phone rings and rings until I hear some rustling. I stand up and walk outside of my back door into the back yard.

"Hey Rae, whatcha up to?" she asks and I look down, playing with a pebble with my toe.

"Just hanging around, you?" I ask and she sighs.

"Nothing really, just getting ready for tonight." she says and I furrow my eyebrows, she usually tells me when she goes out to a party, even if she knows I won't go.

"Where you going?" I ask and I hear more rustling.

"Just a concert, and I got meet and greets." she says and gets excited now.

"Do I know this artist?" I ask and she sighs.

"More than likely, no. " she says, and sigh.

"You don't think," I say and pause and think about it. "could I go with you?" I ask and I hear her gasp.

"You serious?" she says excitedly. I smile.

"Yeah." I say and I can't see her, but I can feel her smiling.

"W-well of course Rae, my friend Rachel got sick but you can take her ticket."she says and I smile.

"Okay, what time is the concert? " I ask walking back inside and ignore my parents. Cookie follows me upstairs.

"Well, the meet and greet is before the concert and that is at seven, the concert is at eight-thirty. " she says and I nod to myself.

"Okay, who is the artist? " I ask opening my door, Cookie jumps on my bed and I smile at her, sitting right next to her.

"Blackbear."

{i had to republish this b/c for some reason it glitched out and did not save my other work, so here ya go.. ch 3 coming later today!!}