Joe trohman

10

After work me and joe walked out to his car.

He leaned on it and I stood Infront of him.

"So, what are you doing...like with the whole college thing" he asked.

"I'm quitting"

"What the hell Mary you can't!?"

"I want to be with you!"

"But Mary" he grabbed my hands and stared at me. "I know how much you wanted college, now you have to go back"

I felt heart broken again. What the fuck? He was just stopping me from going to college the other day! Now he wants me to go back!?

"Joe what the hell" I said pulling away. "I came back for you! Not for you to just tell me to go back!"

"Mary I love you so much. And that's why you gotta go. My band is taking off, you gotta get your degree, everyone's gotta move on"

"Joe, are you fucking serious?"

He was sounding a lot like me. Well, the old me. I can't believe what he was saying.

"Mary so your just gunna stick around this town until you feel like going to college? Just lounge around, work at a cd shop? So then what happens when you finally wanna grow up? Tell me?" He said demanding. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it as I spoke.

"Yeah I am! And when I want to I'll just go back to virginia!"

"Mary it doesn't work like that. Maybe you need to have a better look on your life" he said.

I started to cry. I drove fucking 5 hours for the guy who two weeks ago was telling me to stay and just live for the time being. Now he wants to grow up so fast.

"Mary no stop" he said hugging me.

"Joe, your right. I'm gunna drive back" I said and walked away to my car.

He followed after me.

"Mary, your doing the right thing" he said trailing behind me as I kept walking.

"Whatever" I said vigorously opening my car door and slamming it.

I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to drive off. I didn't want him to say goodbye. I didn't want to grow up.

But there was nothing left to do.

I started my car and he motioned me to roll down the window.

"Mary, here" he handed me a train cd. I smiled at it. "So um I guess I'll see ya" he said sadly.

"Yeah" I said waiting for him to say a better goodbye.

"I love you, you truly mean the world to me. I'm going to call you every fucking night wether you answer or not. I have to tell you everything about the band and how much I love you and ugh....please don't give up on me. My love for you has no distance. You could live in fuckin' i don't even know, Antarctica and I still will give a shit about you" he put his cigarette in his mouth and stared at me clenching his jaw.

"Joe I-I" I stuttered.

"It's okay" he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.

"I love you Joe" I said.

He smiled and puffed his cigarette.

"I love you too"

I smiled.

"See ya in the summer" I half smiled.

"Yep"

He smiled and I put my car in drive.

It happened so fast. Next thing I knew I was waving goodbye to him.

I sat at the stop sign to leave the parking lot, and out the rear view mirror I saw him opening his black car.

I opened the train cd to listen to the album, there was a train cd and a note on top. I pulled over to read it. It was a poem;

"I made my life an arrow,

The tip a deadly sharpened point,

So people never came too close,

That I may disappoint,

I'd sit and watch in silence,

As the world would pass me by,

Wondering how far I'd fall,

If I ever tried to fly,

You watched me with such interest,

Like it was me you'd tried to find,

As thought you knew all my secrets,

And the thoughts within my mind,

You look like all the others,

But what I did not know;

Was that while I made myself an arrow,

You had made yourself a bow,

And apart we'd both be useless,

But we'd finally worked out why;

Since you need someone to pull you back,

If you ever want to fly,

So you aimed me with precision,

And I flew straight from the start,

Until I landed with a solid thud,

On the target of your heart.

Joe."

The note shaking in my sweaty palms. I was just waiting, waiting for a nerve to strike to make me go back. Back for him. Joe. I needed that nerve. That fuckin nerve that made me fall in love with joe, that fuckin nerve that I had when I first learned to ride a bike, or my first time swimming. Or that nerve that made me cry all night over my 5th grade bestfriend leaving me, or that nerve that made me drive all the way back home the first day of college.

But as I sat in my hot car I didn't have the nerve. I just set the note down and cried. There was nothing to do but cry. And sometimes that's the solution. Just cry until you got nothing left, until you think your empty, until you don't feel the pain anymore. But this pain will never leave.

Finally, I put chin up and turned the car back on, and drove. Drove 5 hours in silence. Silence truly is wonderful when your broken.

But I'm not broken. I'm not heart broken. I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I'm afraid. Afraid to grow up.