My Lonely Road - Joshler

Chapter 11

your shaking shoulders
prove that it's colder inside your head
than the winter of dead - Song up there ⬆

>>>

Josh watched as Tyler curled up in his lap, yawning, and fell asleep almost immediately.

he wondered if Tyler even slept last night, considering it was 10:23 in the morning, yet Tyler was sleeping like he hadn't slept in days.

Josh rubbed Tyler's back as he slept, letting him sleep for as long as he wanted to. even when the position started to get uncomfortable, Josh simply picked Tyler up and placed him on the bed. Tyler was really light. that somewhat worried Josh.

Tyler slept for almost three hours, waking with a gasp and thrashing around under the blankets, breathing heavily.

"hey, hey, relax, i'm right here." Josh put his hand on Tyler's chest, which was heaving up and down, and waited until his breathing slowed. "okay? are you okay now?"

"yeah," Tyler breathed, "sorry," he mumbled into the sheets, which were wrapped around his skinny body. "how uh, how'd i get here?" he asked. "last thing i remember is falling asleep on you."

"yeah, i brought you up here while you were asleep," Josh replied. "besides, you looked like you could've used a better sleeping spot than my lap," he said.

Tyler turned red at the thought of Josh picking him up and putting him on the bed while he was fast asleep.

"thanks," he said with a yawn.

Josh looked at him with an amused expression on his face. "geez, are you still tired?"

"what? no, i'm fine," Tyler assured him. it was sort of true. "thanks for letting me sleep here."

"no problem..." Josh trailed off. "i-" he opened his mouth to say something more, but then Tyler's stomach growled.

"do you want to eat something?" Josh asked Tyler, who was blushing again.

"no, i'm okay," Tyler replied, but his stomach growled again. he grimaced, moving the sheets around awkwardly.

"Tyler..." Josh climbed up onto the bed next to his boyfriend. "don't be afraid to tell me what's on your mind okay?" he said. "you can tell me anything. i won't judge you. God, I love you way too much to judge you," he added.

Tyler leaned his head on Josh's shoulder. "i know...i just," he let out a loud sigh. "i-i don't want you to hate me," he told him. "i don't want to be alone."

Josh wrapped him in a warm hug. "Ty, when did you think you were alone? i'm here. and i'm not leaving you." he kissed the top of Tyler's head. "so just do whatever you want, okay? please."

"okay." Tyler closed his eyes, still leaning on Josh's shoulder.

"you are still tired!" Josh was half amused and half concerned. "did you even sleep last night?" he furrowed his eyebrows at Tyler.

Tyler opened his eyes. "i uh," he cleared his throat awkwardly. "sort of."

Josh looked at him worriedly. "what's wrong?" he asked him.

"nothing." Tyler took a deep breath. "i mean, i can't tell you." he hesitantly stuck out his arm towards Josh.

"your...arm?" Josh looked confused. "what's wrong with your arm?" he asked. he touched it lightly. Tyler slightly winced, but didn't say anything.

Josh waited, and when Tyler still didn't say anything, Josh gently pulled up the sleeve, revealing his forearm. his breath hitched when he saw the dark red lines that streamed across his boyfriend's arm. "Tyler...what-"

"i'm so sorry," Tyler muttered, a tear slowly rolling down his cheek. "i'm such an idiot. i just- i hate myself so much-and-i-i-"

"Tyler, no, please, don't say that," Josh's voice wavered as he turned to embrace him. "just, why didn't you tell me?" he turned to face Tyler.

Tyler sniffed, wiping away a tear. "i was afraid you would hate me," he said, refusing to meet Josh's eyes.

"Ty, look at me." Tyler looked up at Josh, his brown eyes glistening with tears. his face made Josh's heart sink. Tyler looked like he had given up, he looked so broken.

"God, you're so...i just...fuck, Tyler, i love you so much," Josh breathed. Tyler blushed at his language. "please don't hurt yourself anymore, okay? we'll work through this together."

Tyler turned his head and pressed his lips to his boyfriend's.

"i love you too, you dork."

>>>

please, take my hand
we're in foreign land
as we travel through snow
together we go