After Wrong Number

I met you in the dark

Say you won't let go,
James Arthur

Matthew Gray

Finding out I was bipolar took a whole turn on my life. It was just three years ago that I learned about the mental illness itself and how it had its effect on me.

My parents told me that they always knew that there was something different about me. They said that one time I was talking really fast and changing topics all the time to suddenly feeling really sad without any particular reason or just about small things that upset me.

This all happened when I was little so there wasn't anything too weird that happened until three years ago, October 29th.

I bought a new car while my old car was only a year old and I bought the exact same car except for the color and it had leather seats. My whole reason for buying the car is that I HAD to have leather seats. The leather seats didn't hold up very well though.

A couple of days later I started to feel pretty much sad, I didn't want to eat, sleep or leave my bed. All I could do was crying and thinking about how much I wanted to end it all. My parents found me, basically drowning myself in a bathtub full of ice cubes.

It was my dad who convinced my mom to let me see a doctor and not long after that, we found out about me being bipolar. I got medication and had therapy sessions once in a while so I could learn about the illness and how it works for me.

Now I only have a therapy session once a month and I only need to take my medication on days that I am starting to get manic or feel depressed again. My mom tries to keep me at home as much as possible and she has this 'deal' with the school principal about it.

If I'm being very honest, it was actually hard to live like this. I lost a lot of friends and people judged me very easily over this. Most of them are scared of me and of what I will do so that's why I'm not open about everything and I'm mostly closed off, trying to push everyone away. That's why not a lot of people know this.

So when he understood me and accepted me for who I am, I immediately felt such a good and warm feeling that I haven't been feeling in ages. It was good to finally have someone who wasn't judging you and actually helps you.

Yet he had to leave me behind, in this hellhole of a life.

Ever since he passed away, my bipolar disorder haven't been the best and I'm trying to hide it from everyone as much as possible. The second my parents find out about this they'll take me to my therapist again and I wasn't exactly thrilled about that. I could take care of myself. I didn't need anyone to help me out, his death only made me realize that I really was on my own all these years and I'll still be on my own.

Luckily only him, Ryan and my parents knew about this so I wouldn't have to worry about hiding it unless I'd be manic again.

So when I sat next to Ryan again right now, who I haven't seen since what happened in the school bathroom yesterday, I felt like my whole world was about to collapse.

He knew.

He knew that I was feeling more and more depressed lately. Me showing my feelings was a rare thing since I always tried to hide it as much as I could and when it actually gets bad, like yesterday, I mostly just go home.