After Wrong Number

I just want to be part of your symphony

Symphony
Zara Larsson x Clean Bandit

Matthew Gray

My eyes slowly opened to meet up with the bright sunlight coming out of my window, which makes me shut my eyes tight. I instantly started to groan once I felt my head throbbing and this anxiety that has been hanging on my chest.

I turned on my belly and hugged my pillow to my chest. This felt even worse than a regular hangover. I think I misjudged my depression big time. I finally thought that everything went so well yet I feel like a truck ran me over and over again.

That's the one thing I really hate about this abnormal disorder. Sometimes it kind of seems to trick me. You think that it actually isn't as bad as you thought it was and you finally almost start to feel normal/better again. Then suddenly you feel all the bad and negative thoughts and feelings hit you all over again, knocking you right back to the start. It's like fighting didn't work anymore since you always seemed to start over.

What was the point in fighting if it constantly would stay like this?

Maybe I should've drank something last night, but then again I'm glad I didn't do anything as stupid like that, I would've regret it and may do something stupid either yesterday or today. It probably would have been worse than right now even though I didn't think this could get any worse.

Everything went downhill the moment I felt rejected by Justin. I wasn't worth it, everyone hated me and nobody cared. And then I also saw him kissing this girl, not only confusing me. It also kind of felt like he was disowning him in some sort of way. He said that he made him realize that he was into boys and not girls.

Was that his way of telling me that he didn't want to have to do anything with me?

Because it worked. I'm not worth anyone's time. Hell, maybe he actually wanted to leave me too. Maybe he was pitying me. Let's be real, I was pathetic and useless after all.

Right now I felt so many unspoken emotions that I couldn't even describe them myself. I was lonely, because nobody wanted me. I was so intense angry at myself, because whatever I did I was and would never be good enough. I was anxious, because everyone scared the hell out of me without even trying to. I was hurt and damaged by my mental illness, thanks to this I made some bad mistakes and I was abnormal, because my ex-friends and loved ones left me in the dark ever since I tried to talk and be open about this disorder; I was left in the dark. And as last I was depressed, because god decided to give me this decease to make me want to kill myself at any time and any second of the day.

Suddenly it felt as if I couldn't deal with all of these overwhelming and strong feelings anymore. I didn't know how to deal with them. I've been taking my medication and I don't want to go to see my therapist. No I don't need to talk about what happened or how I feel. I didn't need that. I didn't deserved to talk and vent.

Everything was fine. I was fine.

I knew exactly what this all meant for me. This is a day that I won't leave my bed anymore for anything.

I let out what seem to be like the longest sigh of my life and took my phone from the nightstand to see if I got anything in particular, but I didn't receive any messages.

See, nobody cares about you. You're just a stupid useless faggot.

I shook my head to prevent getting more sad and somehow after a while I found myself going through a conversation that I haven't been able to look at for a while.