Abasement With Heavy Hearts

Chapter 1

CHARACTERS BASED: Evan Hansen, Connor Murphey

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Dear Evan Hansen and I haven't seen the musical. I have only listened to the soundtrack, read summaries, and fanfiction. I apologize for anything I get wrong or OOC

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Suicide, Self Harm, Self Hate

Connor Murphey furrowed his brows as he picked up a freshly printed piece of paper, black ink sprawling on the paper. 'Dear Evan Hansen..' was written at the top, the man the name belonged to sitting in the corner of the computer lab.

"Hey." Connor said, taking a few steps over to the other boy.

"H-Hey." Evan stumbled, his cheeks flushing red. All that could swell through his brain was Jared's lies about Connor.

"I'm Connor, what happened to your arm?"

Don't screw up, don't screw up, Evan, don't do it.

"I- I fell out of a tree.." Evan mumbled, hoping there would be no further questions.

Silence fell over the two.

"Well that's the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard." Connor laughed, pointing to the cast. "No one's signed it?"

"N-no."

Connor took the pen that had appeared in Evan's hand, writing his name in big letters over the white cast.

"Oh-oh that's, okay, that's nice." Evan muttered, thankful he would now have something to show his mom, something she could be proud of him doing for once.

"There, now we both can pretend we have friends." Connor joked, hoping Evan didn't think he was crazy. "Is this yours? Dear Evan Hansen, that's you right?"

"Oh! Y-yeah that's mine. It's nothing really, just a project I'm supposed to do. Weird isn't it, writing letters to yourself? I thought it was stupid at first but-"

Connor stopped listening, he was too engrossed in the letter. Why he was feeling some form of concern was beyond him, but he was also creeped out. "My sister, she's on here. 'Because there's Zoe, all my hope is pinned on Zoe.' Are you crazy? Did you write this and print it so I would find it?!" Connor began to shout, stopping to finish the letter. The beginning had sparked some concern, concern he didn't know he should even feel.

Evan began rambling again, but Connor still didn't listen.

'Dear Evan Hansen,

Turns out today wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?

I know, because there's Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don't even know, and doesn't know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different after all. I wish everything was different.

I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?

Sincerely,

Your most best, and dearest friend, me.'

"What are you, suicidal?"

Yes Connor, I am, very kind way of putting it.

"What? No-no I'm not... suicidal?" Evan protested, pushing all the truth he could into his words. He knew it was failing, he knew it. He blew everything. Connor was going to go to the school, Evan would be put in the hospital. His mom would freak out, she would get angry.

"The way you said that, very convincing." Connor smirked, taking a few steps towards the smaller man. Evan began to tremble, his eyes telling a terrifying story.

Why does Connor care. Why does Connor care??

"W-Why does it matter?" Evan sighed, his brain threatening break out of his skull.

"This isn't me," He sighed. "I usually don't give a shit, but just... I know what this is like. And if you tell anyone that I swear to whatever you believe in that I will push you into the ground and pound you to a pulp so hard you-"

Connor froze, taking a deep breath. Evan's eyes welled with tears, Connor's heart weighing in his chest.

"I'm sorry. Most people call me things. School shooter, psychopath, crazy, murderer, etc. I just get defensive."

"It's okay, I'm sorry." Evan whispered, his voice sounding so afraid, so small. Connor took another deep breath before continuing.

"I never apologize Hansen, so don't take that lightly. I never get along with anyone, ever. But, since you just admitted you're suicidal, I couldn't forgive myself if I just yelled at you and left. I'm not a monster, well, not always a monster. We're in the same place and would end up dead together." Connor laughed, receiving an uncomfortable laugh from Evan in response.

"Thank-thanks. Can I just have my letter back? Please? Sorry to bother you and sorry to ask and I'm sorry you feel obligated to stay now. You should just go. Just, the letter is for a doctor, a therapist, actually. You don't need to care, you shouldn't." Evan insisted, reaching for the letter with his good arm. The cast clunked to his side, a small amount of pain shooting through his arm.

Parasite, Evan. You revealed too much without trying and now you're a parasite attached to him. He feels like he can't get rid of you.

"Please?"

"If you answer my two questions. One, why my sister, you creep? Why mention her?" Connor asked, mentally kicking himself for the insult. He winced as Evan teared up, but he forced it back down.

"I-I have a crush on her. She doesn't know I exist really, not until this morning after you pushed me down. But-but it's just a crush, I swear. I don't wanna do anything t-to her. I would n-never want to hurt her or go after her or do anything w-weird or creepy and I talk too much, I'm sorry." Evan explained, doing his best to keep his nerves under control.

"Swear to me."

"S-swear to you?"

"Swear to me!"

"I swear! I swear."

Connor paused, closing his eyes and taking another deep breath. For some odd reason he didn't want anything to happen Hansen, he didn't know how to explain it. He didn't want to hurt him, but he didn't like the smaller man having a crush on his little sister.

"You- you said you have two questions?"

"Oh, yeah, did you really fall? Or did you let go? Or jump?"

"W-what?"

"When you fell out of the tree." Connor clarified, watching all life drain from Evan's eyes. He didn't need to answer, Connor already knew.

"I-I fell. You don't- I didn't- I didn't fal- I mean jump. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be saying anything." Evan panicked, snatching the letter from Connor's hands. His mom was probably already waiting, he shouldn't keep her there, be even more of a best.

"Evan wait-"

"I'm sorry, Connor. I'm sorry."

Connor watched as he walked away, his heart sinking even further into his chest, if that was even possible. Evan had just opened doors he knew he never wanted to open, Connor just wished he could have opened his own doors, showed that he didn't want to be angry. But he freaked out anyway.

"God dammit, now I need to watch the damn kid."