Abasement With Heavy Hearts

Chapter 4

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide mention, swearing, bullying sorta

Connor and Evan are in the same place in this chapter, wow what a shocker.

Evan Hansen walked through the school doors the next morning, dreading the possibility of being called out of class. If Connor had told anyone, the school would be recommending him to a hospital for an intake. Going to the counselor was a terrifying experience.

First, the teacher you had got a call. Then they tell you in front of everyone that the office wants to see you. You then must get up and walk in front of everyone out the door while they all think about what you did wrong.

"Evan! How did writing your weird, what, sex letter go?" Jared asked, lowering his voice, a wink covering his right eye.

"What? H-how do you kn-know I write letters to myself? But- they aren't like that!" Evan managed to say, receiving a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay Evan, you secret is safe with me." Jared winked, laughing to himself at his own unfunny jokes.

"Hansen!" A different voice called, a boy with long hair jogging over.

"Murphy! Coming to kill my friend here?" Jared laughed, playfully pushing Evan on the shoulder.

"Fuck off, Kleinman." Connor rolled his eyes, resisting every urge he had to deck the jerk here and now.

"Yea-yeah. F-fuck off, Jared." Evan stumbled out, receiving wide eyes from both teenagers.

"What, psychopath shows up and you suddenly learn to stand up for yourself? What the hell did you do to him?" Jared accused, getting defensive over his 'family friend.' For someone who claimed to care very little about him, he protected him like a brother.

"Nothing! I didn't do anything to him! I just wanna talk to him, but you know what, fine. I won't!" Connor nearly shouted, turning on his heels to walk away. He got down the hallway before he heard nervous footsteps behind him, pausing every few steps before cautiously following.

The footsteps continued, all the way to the front door of the school. "A-are you skipping?" Evan's voice whispered, his usual fear and anxiety returning.

"Yeah, what about it?" Connor snapped, snickering to himself. If he changed anything too fast, people would suspect something. And it wouldn't be the easy 'their gay and doing each other' rumor, it would be rumors that Connor had manipulated Evan, that he was in danger.

"W-why?"

"Because I've been here all of thirty minutes and I'm already done."

"O-oh."

"Got a problem with that?!"

Evan winced, taking a few awkward steps back. "No! No. Th-there isn't a problem with that."

Connor watched as the smaller man fumbled with his thumbs, wincing as he moved the thumb from his broken arm. He had never broken a limb before, but he knew that moving any part of it could hurt.

"Uh, um, stop doing that." Connor stuttered, unsure how to proceed. Evan looked up with big eyes, surprised anyone other than his mom noticed his ticks.

"S-s-sorry."

"Just, what you told me yesterday- "

Connor was cut off by the bell signaling that they needed to be in class, Evan nearly jumping out of his skin.

"Oh no, no, I'm late. And now I need to walk into class with everyone turning to stare at me and wonder 'Hey, where has that guy been? Isn't that the freak that fell from a tree?' Then I have to sit down as they all stare at me and then try to go back to normal while everyone is internally confused and-"

"Hansen, just chill in the bathroom all period. Or, you can skip with me." Connor suggested, glancing around the hallway.

Did Connor just as you, his parasite, to go with him? To do something that's not forced?

"Dude, stop looking at me like that."

"Wh-what? Like what?"

"Like I just told you I loved you and then kicked at your ass."

"H-how do you know what that l-looks like?"

"Lucky guess. Are you coming or not?"

He's seriously inviting you, why is he inviting you?!

"S-sure."

"Alright Hansen, let's go."

The two teenagers picked up their pace to a jog, getting into Connor's car. Evan's heart raced, his palms turning even more sweaty.

You're in a stranger's car. You ditched school. What the hell is wrong with you?! You barely know this guy and he's known for being angry!

But he hasn't really snapped at you. Only when he called you a freak, but you are a freak, so that's no different. He pushed you too, but you deserves that. He hasn't done anything 'crazy.' and he seems sorry about it.

Why?

"C-can I ask you something?" Evan whispered, hurrying his words the more he spoke.

"What?"

"Why are you nice to me? Just yesterday you called me a freak. I mean, you're not, um, that's not important. But, why me? I'm sorry." Evan stumbled out, forcing himself to stop before he rambled too much.

"I'm gonna tell you something that you will never repeat, understood?" Connor threatened, gripping his hands on the steering wheel. He didn't know where he was going, all he knew is he wanted away from school.

"I-I won't repeat it. Sharing secrets and gossip is something that's rude and I don't think it's appropriate to and I'm talking too much, I'm so sorry." Evan mumbled, wincing as he again played with his thumbs.

"Okay, well, I know what you're going through. I did what you did at the tree, when you broke your arm. Only differently. So, I guess I'm sorry? I don't know dude, I don't usually deal with this shit. I don't have any friends as you know." Connor confessed, feeling himself take a deep breath. Whether it be from relief or fear, he didn't know.

"I'm sorry, Connor. I'm sorry." Evan whispered, his voice barely audible over the car engine.

"Look, let's not do this, I seriously don't want to get into it. I just want to have a smoke and lean against my car, maybe even a tree."

"Smoking by a tree is- is- never mind. It's not interesting. Sorry."

"Dude, just spit it out."

"Fires by trees are dangers. Birch tree bark is especially flammable, Pine wood burns easily, so does spruce. Plus, if the trees are dry multiple could start on fire, killing ones that could be up to 200 years old. Their greens leaves could burn. I'm sorry, this really isn't interesting." Evan apologized again, pushing back on his thumb particularly hard.

Now you've done it. He's going to kick you out of this car for ruining his fun. He won't want to be around a weirdo like you. You are a parasite. No one normal likes trees. Freak.

"Hansen! Cut that out!" Connor snapped, instinctively reaching over. He clasped his hand over Evan's casted one, keeping his other hand on the steering wheel.

Oh my god, Evan. He's touching your hand. Connor Murphey is touching your hand. Why is he doing that, why would he even bother?

Both boys froze for a few moments, neither of them knowing what to do. Both of their minds exploded, thoughts racing so fast through their minds the Flash couldn't keep up.

The car engine was all that broke the silence, until it didn't anymore. Hands still latched together, both flew forward, their seatbelts catching them. The hum of the engine cooled.

Evan and Connor lay with airbags in their faces, both unmoving.