Abasement With Heavy Hearts

Chapter 20

TRIGGER WARNING: swearing, mention of suicide attempt, self hate

School is being done in three parts.

All thoughts in italics are Evan's thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.

Connor walked shoulder to shoulder with Evan into school, calming his nerves just slightly. Evan's hands still shook with fear, his breathing escalating as he made his way to his locker.

"Evan!" A voice shouted, a teenage girl speed walking over.

"A-Alana?" Evan stuttered, hoping he didn't get her name wrong. If he did, she would have to correct him and he would have to feel bad about not getting it right the first time.

"Yes. I wanted to let you know I'm here for you. I've always considered you a close acquaintance. Here's my number if you want to talk, please, don't be shy. I don't bite." Alana nodded, handing Evan a slip of paper with her number on it.

"Oh! T-thanks, Alana." Evan answered, tucking the paper into his jeans pocket. He began to fumble with the lock on his locker, his hands shaking so much he kept missing the numbers.

"No problem at all, Evan. I hope to hear from you. And Connor, I would like to recommend you don't break anyone's jaw today, as thrilling as that is to watch. I have to get to class early, have a good day, both of you." Alana finished, swiftly turning around and walking away. Her hair swished back and forth as she left, Evan swallowing a lump in throat.

"She's always a treat." Connor remarked, his heart sinking as he watched his boyfriend struggle with his lock.

"I-I always feel l-like she d-drinks too much c-coffee." Evan replied, finally getting his locker open. Books tumbled out onto the floor, heads turning to look at him.

His breath was sucked out of his body and he froze. Evan felt like he was in a little bubble, nothing could penetrate through it. Silence rung in his ears as he stared at his feet, someone shaking his shoulder's.

"Evan? Evan! Shit, come on." Connor pleaded, collecting the books nearly as soon as they fell. Evan was completely frozen, voices of other students beginning to echo in his brain.

Oh god oh god, everyone noticed me. Exactly what I didn't want to happen, happened. They're all staring at me, they're all remembering how much of a freak I am.

Maybe they aren't noticing you. Maybe they just don't care enough to.

"Connor, what the fuck did you do to him?" Another familiar voice cut in to his head, a breath finally entering Evan's body.

"I didn't fucking do anything to him, Kleinman. He dropped his books, I picked them up, why the fuck are you accusing me?" Connor defended, clenching his fists around the text books.

"Why the fuck is he having a hard time breathing then?" Jared continued, bending his knees so he could see Evan's face.

"Both o-o-of you." Evan's shaking voice broke, his hands trembling more than he thought possible. "S-Shut u-up."

A look was exchanged between Connor and Jared, one that Evan couldn't read. This look showed that if he was willing to be rude, it must be important.

"Sorry." They replied simultaneously, their attention moving to Evan. His breathing was beginning to come back, but it was labored.

Great job, now you were rude. Why are you still standing here like a freak? They're worried for you.

"I-I just want t-to go t-to class." Evan spoke, doing everything in his power to keep his voice even. "Please?"

"Sure, Ev." Connor replied, carefully handing him his books.

You're being pushy. Calm down.

"No problemo, Evan-o." Jared joked, receiving two quizzical looks from his friends. Excuse me, friend and his friend's boyfriend that's sorta kinda his friend.

"What the actual fuck was that?" Connor asked, gently nudging Evan in the direction of his classroom. They walked in a bickering mood, their feet practically dragging on the ground.

"A joke you will never understand the humor behind." Jared replied, pushing his classes up with his thumb. His textbooks were all weighing heavily into a backpack that looked like it could fall apart, pulling down on his shoulders.

"And why is that, shit-face?" Connor mocked, laughing a little as Evan didn't react. Evan was too busy focusing on his walking and the conversations around him to really get it.

"If you must know, fellow shit-face, it's because you don't have a shred of humor in that body of yours."

"I have humor. Haha. See?" Connor growled, anger flaring through his body. Lately with all the stress about his boyfriend's wellbeing, his anger had been getting worse, hence the fist fights.

"G-guys." Evan cut in, stopping it before it got worse. Jared raised his hands in surrender, the yellow bruises on his knuckles nearly faded. Connor took a deep breath, cracking his knuckles in his fist, letting the air bubbles popping calm him down.

"Sorry." They both chimed again, gently patting Evan's shoulders as a form of support. Although strange, the gesture left Evan with a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach.

The first bell rang, telling them and the fellow students there was two minutes to class. They all approached the door of Evan's first class, math. His hands trembled more than they had all more, if that was even possible. He felt as though his hands would shake off his wrists, leaving him to further pain.

What if the teacher asks me to write on the board? What if the people that sit by me ask me about what happened, about why I was gone? What if they ask about Connor? And Jared?

"You'll be okay, Ev. I'll be here waiting when you're done in class. And if my teacher doesn't let me out, Jared'll be here. Right?" Connor asked, sensing Evan's anxiety. He raised an eyebrow at Jared, waiting for his answer.

"Yup. Totally not because my mom's making me." Jared laughed, being met with silence. "Wow, tough crowd this morning. Later dudes."

Evan glanced at Jared as he sauntered away, envying his confidence. "What if they ask why I was gone? W-what if they ask a-about us?"

"Ignore them. Or tell them. I'm not ashamed of being your boyfriend, but you should be ashamed to be mine. So, tell them what you want. It's up to us to determine our relationship, ya know?" Connor answered, a casual shrug following the otherwise heartfelt statement. "You can do this."

"W-wow, Connor, t-thanks. You know, I'm not ashamed to be your boyfriend. Or anyone's b-boyfriend. N-not anymore. So don't think I-I'm ashamed of you, b-because I'm not. You're r-really cool and smart and you don't get enough c-credit for things. Sure you have flaws b-but we all have flaws and that's not-"

Evan was cut off by a soft kiss being planted on his forehead. A blush crept up on his cheeks, the looks they got from a couple students not mattering in the moment. His heart fluttered in his chest, happiness sparking inside.

"See you after class, Ev. I'll try to not knock the lights out of some homophobic shit head. Or Jared, he's making that list." Connor chuckled, his expression softening when he saw a look of fear in Evan's eyes. "Kidding about the Jared part, mostly."

"T-thanks. S-see you later."

Evan watched his boyfriend walk away, his wavy brown hair bouncing with each step. His breathing increased once again, but this time he didn't tremble. He walked to his seat and sat down just as the bell rang, some last minutes students running in before the teacher arrived. Feet tapping, pencil in hand, Evan was ready to be back at school.