Abasement With Heavy Hearts

Chapter 13

I would like to thank @ dear.evxn.hxnsen on Instagram for an idea I used in this chapter. I asked for permission first and of course of I want to give credit as well. I won't say what the idea is so I don't spoil anything, but I'll say it at the end. Thanks again!

Also can we talk about that drawing. I love it so much omg.

TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, talk of self harm, self hate, mention of suicidal thoughts, sorta suicide attempt.

All thoughts in italics are Evan's thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.

I swear things will get happier, it's just rough right now!

THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A SUICIDE ATTEMPT. READ AT OWN RISK. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE SADDEST CHAPTER OF THE BOOK PROBABLY.

"Hey." Connor's voice broke, Evan's heart skipping a beat at his beautiful voice.

Shit

"P-please don't worry." Evan whispered, freezing his muscles so he couldn't move. The last thing he wanted to do was quickly move, startling Connor into tackling him. Because if Connor tackled him, his mom wouldn't allow Connor near him again. Or worse, she would know about how broken Evan was.

"Um, do I need to?" Connor asked, moving Evan's feet on the couch. He sat down, his friend curling in on himself, closing himself off.

"N-no..."

Don't bother him, don't bother him.

"I think I do. Do you want to um, talk somewhere else? I'll talk to your mom, she seems to like me. Fucking weird huh?" He joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"I-I want to go s-some w-where." Evan stuttered out, his mind racing with everything his mom could say.

She won't let me go, we have school tomorrow. If I can't talk to Connor then you are going to be done. Be done with everything.

"Be right back." Connor whispered, resisting the urge to kiss Evan on the cheek. He wasn't used to allowing himself to think so openly, but obviously his friend didn't want that.

Heidi was finishing the dishes, looking up when she saw Connor walk back in. "Is everything okay?" She asked, her smile fading. Senses told her that something wasn't right.

"Evan is freaking out a bit and didn't want to ask you to go, so... here I am I guess. I've never asked for anything like this before so..." Connor muttered, realizing how truly clueless he was when it came to asking permission. Usually he just left, yelling he was going out as he went through the front door. Or, he just snuck out through his window.

"Is he okay?" Heidi urged, making herself take deep breaths. She could hear Evan's feet battering upstairs, most likely getting his jacket. Nor Connor or Heidi could know what was happening, what he was actually doing.

"I don't know. But I'll keep him safe. I was planning to just drive around and go to this ice cream place go to. I won't crash this time, last time was... special. I won't let anything happen I-"

"Can we go?" Evan interrupted, sneaking into the kitchen. "Sorry, I'm sorry. That was rude I shouldn't have interrupted. I'm sorry."

"You can go, but back by 10? Or 11? I don't know, I've never made you a curfew before." Heidi smiled, hiding her worry for Evan's sake. He looked bad, his face swollen from tears, red cheeks.

"We won't be out late. Just a couple hours." Connor reassured, placing a light hand on Evan's shoulder. He winced, shying away from his only friend. Heidi watched them go, pushing back the tears in her eyes. She knew Connor wouldn't hurt her son, but that didn't mean Evan wouldn't hurt himself.