Abasement With Heavy Hearts

Chapter 11

TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, mention self harm, self hate, mention of suicidal thoughts

All thoughts in italics are Evan's thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.

Short chapter. Feel free to comment and vote! I welcome feedback!

BREAKBREAKBREAK

Evan fumbled with the buttons on his shirt, staring at himself in the bathroom mirror. He could feel his hands clamming up, his breath seemingly rattling in his chest.

Hideous. How could Connor ever like you?! Everything about you is broken. You even have feelings for the guy.

"Evan?" Heidi asked, knocking on the bathroom door. Sniffling and wiping away a tear he didn't know formed, he took a deep breath.

"I'm coming. It's still hard to button up my shirt." Evan lied, unlocking the bathroom door and emerging.

"You look like you got it. I need to run into work and class quick to pick some things up, so Connor will get here before I get back. I won't be long, only an hour. I promise sweetie, I'll come back soon." She reassured, giving her son a quick hug before waving goodbye.

Evan sighed, walking down the stairs into the kitchen. He pulled at the hem of his shirt his breath jolting as the doorbell rang. Fumbling over his feet, he opened the door, a small gasp escaping his lips. Connor stood before him, his hair finally not greasy. A black hoodie hung loosely on his body, his nails newly painted the same color.

Wow he looks amazing.

What the hell is wrong with you-

It's okay if I like Connor

It's not.

I guess not...

"Uh, Evan?" Connor's voice broke in, his hand waving in front of Evan's face.

"Y-yeah?" Evan muttered, noticing his hands starting to shake.

"Can I, um, you know, come in?" He laughed, stepping beside Evan in the doorway. He nodded, making more room for his friend to center his house.

"So, um, t-this is the entry way. The bathroom is down that hall there, the kitchen and dining room is through the living room. The living room is um, t-the room we have now moved in to right now..." Evan muttered, just realizing he had walked Connor to the living room.

"Nice. Relax Ev, where's your mom?" Connor asked, awkwardly sitting down onto the worn couch.

"She had to run to work quick. Said she would be an hour. She had to get paychecks and books and homework and stuff. Wow I'm sharing too much I'm sorry." Evan rambled, sitting down beside Connor on the couch.

"You apologize a lot."

"Sorry."

"There you go again."

"Oh! Sor-"

Evan stopped, clenching his fists to get himself to breathe. Connor furrowed his brows with concern, thinking back to when he cut himself last night.

"Dude, um, just relax. Should I, uh, hug you again? That worked a yesterday..." He offered, gently reaching over to Evan. The smaller boy nodded, scooting closer to his best friend on the couch.

"Thank you. I'm... um... I feel bad about yesterday. You didn't d-deserve that." Evan whispered, gently placing his head on Connor's shoulder. Connor's arm wrapped around his back, his hand settling on his waist. A blush crept up on both boy's cheeks, but neither wanted to move.

Evan, you freak, stop liking this. You're a boy.

I can like him.

No, you can't. You can't at all. This is not okay, you piece of shit.

"It's okay. We both freaked out." Connor shrugged, unable to keep his heart from fluttering in his chest. Evan Hansen, the adorable equally broken boy, was actually cuddling with him.

"Connor." He spoke, his voice sounding broken. Evan slowly rolled up Connor's sleeve, revealing the few cuts, red with being brand new.

"Ev, um, don't worry about that." Connor reassured, using his open hand to roll his sleeve down again. He held Evan tighter, needing something to hang on to.

"I didn't know you did t-that... was it because of m-me? I know it's s-selfish to think and I-I'm sorry, b-but please don't d-d-do that again Connor. Please. Please." Evan stuttered, pulling his friend closer as well. The two remained in silence for a few minutes, taking some time to let the news sink in.

"I was just fucking upset I guess. Zoe thinking I went out to get high, mom believing her. The looks of disappointment suck, you know? But I wasn't high, just hanging out with you. Zoe also managed to convince my mom that I hurt you. I don't know if she meant physically or emotionally." Connor began to rant, dumping everything. "I wouldn't do that, just know that. But.. it stung. I couldn't call you."

"Always call m-me. I may have a p-panic attack, b-but it'll b-be worth it. Call." Evan insisted, burying his head into Connor's neck.

What. The. Fuck. He's probably really weirded out you freak.

But Connor wasn't weirded out, he had all he could ever want. "We just fought Ev, I didn't want to. Next time I'll call. Just... to be blunt for lack of better words... fuck off about it for now?"

"O-okay."

"So, what now?"

"Can we stay like this?"

"Yeah, we can stay like this."