Abasement With Heavy Hearts

Chapter 9

TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks

All thoughts in italics are Evan's thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.

Jared is still probably a little OOC. Sorry if this chapter isn't very good!

And I want to say that the internalized homophobia is not me being homophobic. I'm writing a boy x boy fic, so I am not homophobic whatsoever. I just wanted to clear this up in case anyone was wondering.

Don't be afraid to comment or vote!

BREAKBREAKBREAK

Evan waited by the speed limit sign, his phone blowing up with notifications. He had long shut off the ringer tone, but the screen continuously lit up with Connor's pleas. His heart continued to flutter, the events replaying over and over in his head.

"You don't have to do dinner with my shitty family after that. Maybe your place?"

"I-I don't know."

"Come on, Ev!" Evan flinched, leaving Connor's arms as his voice raised. "What the hell!"

"I-I'm so sorry."

"Shit. Shit shit shit. Ev. I didn't mean-"

Evan shook his head, resisting the urge the break his phone. The wait for Jared seemed to take forever, even though it was only ten minutes. He climbed into his 'family' friend's car, the world tunneling into darkness.

"Alright Hansen, spill." Jared sighed, driving away from the sign. Evan tried to talk, but all that came out was mumbled words. "Okay, um, let's talk later then. I'm driving you to your mom."

"N-no!" Evan sputtered, clutching his arms to his chest. He gasped for air, but his lungs didn't seem to fill. Deep down he longed to be back in Connor's arms, but knew he blew it. He knew he destroyed whatever they could have had.

But Connor apologized, he didn't mean to yell. You could apologize too.

Isn't this is irreversible?

"Dude you're having a fucking panic attack, I'm taking you to your mom. You're a momma's boy." Jared said, keeping his eyes on the road. As much as he didn't admit it, whenever he saw Evan upset, he got upset himself. He cared for the other boy more than a family friend, but as a friend.

"P-please just t-take me h-home. S-stay if you don't tr-trust me alone." Evan managed to reason, his hands shaking so much he couldn't check his messages. His curiosity was getting the best of him.

"You bet I'm staying, jackass." Jared remarked, gripping his hands tighter around the wheel. "Sorry. But I usually insult."

Evan's face fell, fumbling with his phone before it fell at his feet. "S-shit." He muttered, trying to pick it up again.

"Evan, stop. Just sit up and breathe you-" He paused, taking his time. "Just breathe. We're almost to your house. Seriously though, start talking. I know you can."

"You'll tease m-me. A-and you'll be a d-dick to Connor." Evan stuttered, forgetting everything he had already told Jared.

"I know you like Connor, I know Connor likes you. I'm just a dick to everyone, but did you ever think it's because I hate myself too? Do you ever think underneath my shit I actually gave a shit about you? Huh?!" Jared exclaimed, Evan's anxiety escalating as his voice raised. He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing.

"For the love of god, Hansen, just let someone care okay?"

They pulled up to Evan's house, both stumbling from the car. He tossed Jared the keys, unable to fit them into the lock with his trembling hands.