Abasement With Heavy Hearts

Chapter 19

TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia mentioned, swearing, talk of self harm, mention of suicide attempt, self hate

All thoughts in italics are Evan's thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.

Sorry for the wait! I'm in a weird writing slump and I've been wanting to write others thing. Updates may take longer to happen now, but they will happen!

Also this is a filler chapter so I'm sorry it's so boring!

Two Days Later

Evan buttoned his shirt, his newly un-casted arm making it easier. His hands shook after he finished buttoning, his nerves really kicking in once again. The anxiety that had momentarily subsided as he got dressed, his mind focusing on the other small task. But now that he was dressed, it slammed him like a door.

What if they all stare at me? What if everyone asks why I did it? What if everyone asks about Connor? Or, what if everyone asks about Jared? What if they think I did it for attention? What if teachers talk about it? What if they ask why Connor defended me? What if they ask why Jared defended me? What if they ask if I cut?

Then again, why would anyone pay attention to me? I'm nothing special or worse paying attention to.

But you tried to commit suicide, of course they want to pay attention to you. You're the freak here.

"Evan!" Heidi called, breaking Evan out of his head. She had stayed home from work that morning, waiting with her son until his boyfriend arrived.

"Yeah?"

"Nervous?"

"Y-yeah. What if people talk to me?" Evan asked, unnecessarily shifting through his backpack on the chair. He stopped to take his meds, swallowing with a large gulp from nerves.

"Just ignore them if they do. Cynthia Murphy called though, she asked if you could possibly keep Connor from punching anyone." Heidi told him, wrapping her hands around a mug of coffee. Evan continued the repetitive behavior of searching through his bag, feeling himself get more and more anxious with each breath.

"I-I'll see what I c-can do." Evan muttered, eventually shouldering his backpack when he felt satisfied he had everything he needed.

"Anyways, stay around Jared. If you get anxious, you can go to the school counselor. But, if it makes you feel better, you can get Connor or Jared from their classes to walk with you to the counselor. Or she can call them down." Heidi began to ramble, instinctively straightening Evan's shirt. "Since the school knows what happened... the teachers won't stop and question you."

"T-thanks." Evan whispered, wrapping his arms around his mother. Surprised, Heidi hugged him back, giving him a small kiss on the forehead.

A knock at the door broke them apart, Evan's hands starting to shake. "You'll be okay, sweetie." Heidi assured, going to answer the door. Connor stood on the other side, his usual dark clothing on his body. The hoodie hung loosely from his chest, the sleeves covering any damage he had done to his arms. His hands were still bruised, small cuts breaking on his knuckles.

A blush crept up Evan's cheeks, his hands tightening around the straps of his backpack. "H-Hey Connor. Ready?" He asked, giving his mom a side hug as he walked to the door. A smile grew on Connor's face, his long hair tucked behind his ears.

"I never thought I would fucking say this, but yes." Connor agreed, turning to his side so Evan could leave. He exchanged a look with Heidi, deciding he should add something when his boyfriend couldn't hear. "I'll protect him. And I'll try to do that without my fists."

"Thank you." Heidi mouthed, feeling herself swell with some form of relief. It was a parent's job to worry all the time for their child, especially when their child didn't want to be alive.

Connor got into the driver side of his care, grinning at the anxious boy to his right. Evan returned the smile half-heartedly, his brown eyes shining. He couldn't help himself, he leaned over and kissed Connor on the cheek, the already red flush to his cheeks turning deeper.

"T-thanks, for everything. B-but please don't p-punch a-anyone." Evan stuttered, his lip beginning to quiver. He couldn't help his whole body from trembling with fear, the physical embodiment of his anxiety shining through.

"I won't Ev. Not with you there. But I swear to God, if anyone says anything about you-"

"Just p-please don't do a-anything. I don't want a-attention." Evan insisted, twisting his right wrist with his left hand. Without the cast, there was a flick of pain, very light colored and very nearly unnoticeable scars covering his skin.

This is a bad idea, very bad idea. Since I don't want to die too much anymore, I want to hurt myself more. What if Connor finds out I want to do that again? What if people ask you about that today?

Oh God, do they know I'm dating Connor??

"I won't." Connor answered, bringing Evan back down to Earth. "We're at school."

Evan looked around to notice that in fact they had arrived at school. "S-so we are."

"Let's go." Connor spoke, opening the car door. He waited, watching as his boyfriend got out of his car, fumbling with his backpack in his trembling hands. "Ev, listen to me."

Evan turned to face him, showing he was listening. "Yeah?"

"We can do this."