Abasement With Heavy Hearts

Chapter 6

TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm mention, suicide attempt mention, bullying, internalized homophobia

All thoughts in italics are Evan's thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.

BREAKBREAKBREAK

Two Weeks Later

Evan shouldered his backpack, bandages pressing against his now tight shirt. His white cast from before was now covered in dirt from the accident, Connor's name blending in to the color. Nerves swelled throughout his body as he knew the taunts that were coming, word had gotten around of what had happened. And everyone had their own story, their own version.

"Evan, you're back." Jared smirked, placing an arm around his 'family friend.' Evan winced at what little muscle, and more bone, of his arm pressing his bruises.

"I-I thought you didn't w-want to be my friend?" Evan asked, feeling himself slowly lose his sanity. His anxiety levels were rising, his chest tightening as he struggled to breathe.

"We aren't, but same thing as the first day of school. I want my car insurance paid." Jared smirked, watching Evan's gaze as his eyes settled on Connor. There was something about the other boy that really attracted him.

Stop it. You're not gay, you have a crush on Zoe. Right? Well, she's pretty... but Connor is more attractive. He's-

Evan Hansen shut up. You're not gay, are you? Stop thinking about that!

"Hey, uh, Hansen? Hellooo? Earth to Evan? Will you stop fantasizing about Zoe Murphey naked and pay attention to me?" Jared's voice broke, Evan's shoulder painfully twisting as he shook him back. "Fantasy that good, enh?"

"Y-you're gross, Jared. T-that's not w-what happened at a-all!" Evan stumbled out, unable to defend himself.

"Sure. I'm gonna go to class, good luck with the guy that tried to murder you."

Murder me? Connor held my hand and got distracted because I'm a parasite. I was hurting myself to distract myself and he wanted me to stop, I caused the crash. I did all of this. I not only hurt myself, I hurt Connor.

"B-bye." Evan whispered, but Jared had already walked away.

"Hansen!" Connor shouted, crossing the hallway. In his mind, everyone stopped to stare at him. All eyes moved to Evan, staring at his sloppy hair that he refused to comb that morning.

"C-Connor?" Evan asked, surprised the other boy even opted to talk to him at school.

"You're back! I was wondering if you'd want- why is your face red?"

I can't breathe, that's why.

Evan shook his head, backing away from the taller boy. Connor swept his long brown hair from his face, his brows furrowed with curiosity. He continued to back up, his pace quickening as he ran into a school bathroom. Connor waited several moments, mostly processing what had happened, before he followed his nervous friend.

"Are you having a panic attack? Because if you are, I can try and help. I assume that's what friends do." Connor spoke, his voice echoing off the walls of the boy's bathroom. A small sob broke from one of the stalls as Evan gasped for breath, he clawed at his throat as if it would open his airways.

"I'll take that as a yes. I can see you in the stall Evan, just come out. I'll lock the door to the bathroom if you want." Connor said, wincing at his own words. He heard the lock slide from the stall, Evan shuffling out on his feet. Taking the note, he locked the bathroom door so no one else could enter.

"S-s-s-sorry-y." Evan apologized, curling himself into the corner between the wall and radiator.

He thinks you're pathetic. He thinks you're a freak.

"Um, I'm not sure how to do this," Connor started, gently placing a hand on Evan's shoulder. He recoiled at the touch before moving into it, using the hand as a grounding mechanism. "But, breathe. What do you normally do?"

"T-talk to s-someone. J-Jared. He-he's not h-helpful, but i-it's a distraction. C-crisis l-lines." Evan stuttered, tears running into his mouth. His chest ached, his shirt feeling like it was suffocating him.

"Well, then, let's talk. Some of the rumors about us are funny, if you think of it the right way. I heard one that we were having sex in the car when we crashed. That sounds very unsanitary." Connor slightly laughed, keeping an eye on Evan to make sure he didn't get worse. He smiled just slightly, vigorously shaking his head.

"Y-yeah. Definitely. Jared t-told me one that w-we did it on purpose, for attention." Evan joked, receiving an even bigger smile from Connor.

"I heard one that Zoe was with us, since you have or had a crush on her. There were some more details, but I'll spare you from that. Are you doing better?"

"A-a little. Thanks. W-we should go to class before the b-bell. O-or someone tries to c-come in here." Evan nodded, using his un-casted arm to wipe his tears. Connor carefully handed him a sweatshirt from his bag, giving his friend a small smile.

"Oh, um, can I have your cast quick?" Connor grinned, pulling out a sharpie from his pocket. Slowly, Evan gave him his dirty casted arm.

"The cast comes off tomorrow and I get a new one." Evan spoke in one fluid sentence, proud of himself for not stuttering.

"That's okay." Connor told him, drawing a small smiling face on the thumb. His eyes lit up at the simple gesture, smiling. Some numbers were added underneath, Connor's phone number.

"Your number?"

"Yeah. Just text me if you need anything. Um, hurry to class. The bell rings in a minute."

"T-thanks."

Evan got up, unlocking the bathroom door. He walked out, Connor following soon after. They went separate ways, each going to their classroom.

He gave you his number. You can text him whenever you want. Maybe this year you won't have to spend Friday nights alone on your laptop, internet messaging Jared. Maybe this year you can hang out with your friend. Maybe this year you won't be alone.