Abasement With Heavy Hearts

Chapter 21

TRIGGER WARNING: swearing, mention of suicide attempt, panic attack, unintentional vomiting

I'M SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG! I'm having a very hard time writing, for some reason all I can write right now are gif series imagines on my Wattpad account. I'm trying to write, but it's just really hard at the moment for some reason. I'm gonna keep trying though.

Sorry it's short, please forgive me.

All thoughts in italics are Evan's thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.

Lunch came around faster than Evan thought possible, all the students flocking to the cafeteria. He hung around at his last classroom, English. The teacher asked him to stick around, just wanting to recommend a bunch of books that could help him. Some of them were about true stories of gay teens, others were fictional but with the same topic. It wasn't too surprising to Evan his teacher knew, Heidi had mentioned something about emailing her to ask for book recommendations.

"Earth to Evan, the trees need you oh wise one." Jared remarked, cringing at himself. Evan looked up from the list of books, his back against the lockers outside the classroom. Quickly stuffing the paper into his pocket, the same one with Alana's number.

"T-That was w-weak." Evan stuttered, his palms beginning to sweat as he thought of lunch. Usually he just avoided the meal all together, buying a granola bar from the vending machine, sitting in the library with his book. But, with Connor, he had to eat lunch in the cafeteria.

"I know dude, just pretend that never happened. Come on, your shitty husband is waiting for you." Jared joked, beginning to walk in the direction of the lunch room. Evan followed like a puppy, his anxiety once again escalating with every step. He had been lucky so far, no one had asked him about where he was. He had just gotten some nasty looks, presumably because it was confirmed he was dating Connor.

"C-Connor's nice." Evan defended, clutching his text books to his chest. Jared chuckled to himself, shrugging his shoulders.

"To you. Then again, I treat him like the shit that he is." Jared laughed playfully punching Evan's shoulder once again, like he does almost every time they see each other now.

"J-Jared."

"I know, I know. I don't actually mean it. Sorta."

"J-Jared."

"I know you love him so I've been tolerating him for you because your mom asked me to and honestly you're okay Evan. I'll still act like I have a stick in my ass half the fucking time though. I just can't help it, but-"

"Jared!"

Jared stopped walking, turning on his heels to face Evan. Evan's face was dripping with sweat, the books slipping from his hands as they pooled with sweat. "What the hell is wrong now?"

"I-I can't g-go to lunch. T-tell Connor I'm s-s-sorry." Evan stuttered out, the books falling to the floor. He darted down the hall, turning to corner to a bathroom.

"Evan!" He heard Jared call, but his voice was muffled.

Please don't let there be anyone in here, please please.

To Evan's relief, no one was occupying the bathroom. He twisted the lock on the door, making sure no one could come in. Once he was alone, a quiet sob broke through his body, his stomach churning with pain.

Unable to hold himself in anymore, he gagged over a toilet. Evan threw up his breakfast, his stomach settling soon after. Sweat soaked through his shirt, a deep breath refreshing his body.

Great job, Evan. Great freaking job.

Legs trembling, Evan rose to his feet. He flushed the toilet of his vomit, tears clouding his vision. His backpack fell to the floor by the toilet, his laptop poking out from the partially unzipped top. Evan felt calmer than he had all day, his body settling down. Maybe he did eat something weird for breakfast.

"Evan?" Connor's voice echoed, the sound muffled through the door. He softly knocked on the thick bathroom door, the beat pounding in Evan's head.

'I don't want to unlock the door,' Evan thought as he leaned against the sink. 'I don't want anyone here.'

He ran the water cold, splashing it on his face. The water mixed with his sweat, dripping off his chin. The door handle ratted, each time Connor tried to open the door he became more urgent.

"Evan fucking Hansen open the fucking door!" He screamed, the loud voice of another man stopping him.

"Language, young man!" Evan made out, an older voice breaking through the barrier of the door. "Connor Murphy, I'll meet you in the principal's office. Jared Kleinman, go to lunch."

Evan's heart began to pound, thinking of how he wouldn't get to talk to Connor. An angry pound on the door signaled Connor leaving, presumably to go to the principal's office. Distant footsteps showed Jared, who hadn't made a sound until then, also leaving.

Keys jingled outside the door, the lock twisting. A teacher Evan didn't recognize entered, the door swinging shut. "Evan?"

"Y-Yeah?" Evan stuttered, gathering his things from the floor.

"Are you okay?"

No. Why the hell would you think I am?

"Ye- No." He admitted, shouldering his backpack. Evan fiddled with the hem of his shirt, the ache in his stomach growing again.

"Let's go call your mom to take you home."

Evan paused, thinking the suggestion through.

"Okay."