Abasement With Heavy Hearts

Chapter 3

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide mention, drug mention, swearing

Evan ended up getting lucky. Since he could promise he would try his hardest to stay safe and could list reasons why, he didn't need to be in the hospital. Since his arm broke a few weeks ago, there was nothing to suggest he would try anything like that again.

"Evan, we aren't done talking about this. But, we can take a break from the topic for a bit." Heidi broke the silence on the drive home, the only other sound was the hum of the engine and other cars passing.

He nodded, knowing she couldn't see it. Before he entered the car from school, he covered his cast with his sweatshirt, hiding Connor's name.

Now we can both pretend we have friends.

Did Connor not have friends? Sure, he had anger issues, but didn't he do drugs or something? Don't you make friends from that?

Evan couldn't help but feel guilty. Connor probably wanted to be his friend, whether he would admit it or not. But who would admit it? Evan was, well, Evan. The freak.

Sure, Evan had Jared. But they were 'family friends,' not real friends. The only thing binding them together was that Jared needed his car insurance paid.

He rested his head on the car window, the cool glass feeling good on his bare forehead. He watched the trees pass by, trying to name as many as he could in his head. It was a distraction tool Evan had learned, but his thoughts were clouded. He couldn't stop thinking about Connor, his threats, his relation, his advice... advice.

Why did Connor care about a parasitic freak like him?

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Connor lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He was tempted to go smoke in the bathroom, the shower steam disguising the weed smoke. But, he didn't want his mind screwed now, he wanted to truly think for once.

Evan Hansen, the freaky weird panic attack kid Evan Hansen, confessed his deepest secret too him. That sounded like something two teenage girls at a sleepover, but currently he didn't care.

Suicide. Evan had tried to commit suicide, he failed, but he tried. And he told Connor. Why on Earth would he bother telling the crazy psychopath?

Sure, Connor was in the same place. He wanted out, he didn't want this anymore. He didn't want to be with his family, he didn't want to be alone. But, he now felt obligated to keep the broken boy safe.

Why do you care so much? All you've ever done is treat him like shit.

"I shouldn't care, so, why do I?" He muttered aloud, knowing it was safe to assume no one would hear.

You care because you are not the monster everyone believes you are. You're depressed, sure. You're angry a lot, sure. But you need to be, you need to be defensive. People assume you're a psychopathic school shooter/murderer. But you're not.

"Connor! Zoe! Dinner!" His mom called, breaking his thoughts apart.

"Be there in a minute!" Connor shouted back, receiving a bang on his door as Zoe passed to go downstairs.

Other people are the problem. He thought, nodding to himself, his greasy hair brushing his cheeks. Others make you a monster, so you can care. Just a little. You can think he's a little cute too... But no one but you needs to know that.

More conflicted than he was when he started thinking, Connor sulked down to dinner. Before he could even sit down, Zoe's voice cut into his brain.

"You're high." She accused, smirking and crossing her arms. Connor opened his mouth to reply, but his mother cut in first.

"How many times do we have to tell you, you're going to rehab if you don't stop!" Cynthia shouted, setting down the remainder of dinner at the table.

"I'm not high mom! Fuck you, Zoe!" Connor defended, lunging towards his younger sister to punch her. He was pushed away by his mother, the glare enough to stop him in his tracks cold.

"Fuck you, Connor!" Zoe yelled back, crossing her arms as she smirked at her older brother. His heart sank as he saw her expression, but he covered his emotions with a smirk back.

The two sat down for dinner, their parents joining soon after. The conversation veered to school, Zoe told on him for pushing Evan, she even added that she saw them in the computer lab. She went to the length to describe how Evan looked scared, especially when it looked like Connor was entering 'rage mode.'

"I was not getting mad! I assumed some things and got a little mad, but I stopped myself. I didn't hurt the guy." Connor snapped, getting sick of listening to Zoe drone on about how he broke the already broken.

"You shouldn't have gotten mad at all. What was there to even be angry about? This kid seems like he's a nervous wreck." Larry pointed out, raising an eyebrow at his son.

"He-he just wrote something. I found it and it mentioned me and I got defensive." He explained, bending the truth. Connor may have his dumb moments, but he was not about to ruin a suicidal man's life even more.

"You were a monster, like usual." Zoe sneered, crossing her arms. It was her usual pose, sometimes Connor liked to joke she would get stuck like that, just like a statue.

"Hansen is fine. He's the same freak he was when I got there." Connor grinned, mentally kicking himself for calling him a freak.

Why do you care? Why do you care, Connor?

Because you are just like Hansen. You are just like Evan Hansen.