The Final Countdown - Season I

Episode 3: Part 5: Ronnie's Solo

Previously on The Final Countdown...

The ship continues to idle dangerously, floating through space without any chance of getting back on track.

Captain Fancypants has brought Java online, but her sentient coffee bean-infused AI(see the most Real Science You'll Ever Encounter in Your Whole Life Digest, April issue) is proving difficult.

 Slowly but surely, the yurt was running low on air.

"Java..." Fancypants wheezed. He leaned against the console Java was working on and clutched his chest. "Our...lives...are...in...your...hands..."

"Hey, fucker, I don't even have hands." Java flipped Fancypants the bird and jammed a screwdriver into a panel on the console's side. "I've got two sweet end effectors. So if you want to get technical, twat, your lives are in my end effectors."

Ronnie cackled, but followed the cackle with a long, hacking cough that was a direct result of the lack of oxygen and years of smoking just about anything she could get her hands on.

"You are a bit of a twat." Ronnie hacked up something yellow and disgusting and let it fall from her spot up near the ceiling. It floated into the middle of the yurt and added a nice layer of repulsiveness to the décor.

"Wait...wait...shut up a second...YES!" Java jumped back with her end effectors high in the air. The captain and Venti clapped their hands, their worries finally put to rest by the marvelous Java.

"Nice, Java!" Venti floated over and slapped Java on the back. "We back on track?"

"If you mean back on track as in this sweet track right here, then fuck yeah!" Java roared. "I got the stereo system back up and running!"

Java punched a button on the console, and a song that most of the world had tried desperately to forget echoed through the yurt.

"Oh, shit!" Ronnie shrieked. "This is my jam!"

Sadly, Ronnie had never bothered to learn the words of any song, ever, so just made up her own. She spun around the ceiling of the yurt, her best rocker voice at full volume.

*Sung to the tune of Nickelback's 'Burn It To the Ground'

Well it's Ronnie, Fancypants, Venti, and Java

My favourite beans aren't kidney, they're fava

Ooooohhhhhhh

When magma hits air it turns into lava

We've got no air, no chance, we're dead, balls out

Ooooohhhhhhh

We're gonna die tonight

This is our final flight

The captain is a dink

Venti's wound super tight

We've got a snowball's chance in Hell

Of not fuckin' dying tonight

Hoooo Hoooo Hoooo Oooo Oooo

Ah Hooo Hoooo Hooo Oooo Oooo

This went on for twenty minutes. Finally, with the last few breaths of air he could muster, the captain tugged on Java's arm.

"Java...please...the Final Countdown..."

"Oh, shit, right." Java gave the console a good whack. "There."

Without another word, the ship blinked across the cosmos, and disappeared.

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