The Final Countdown - Season I

Episode 5: Part 5: Everybody Yurts

"Damn it!" Ronnie slammed a tentacle against the sealed door. "Another dead end!"

"That's the tenth one we've tried!" Fancypants slid down from Ronnie's shoulder and landed in a puddle of Ronnie goo, which was now number four on his 'Grossest Shit of All Time' list. "There has to be a way out of this damn ship!"

Venti leapt off Ronnie's other shoulder and landed gracefully just beyond the reach of the gelatinous ooze. "Don't panic, Captain, that never helps anything."

"Who's panicking?" Fancypants kicked the door, stubbed his toe, and fell face first in the ooze. He mumbled something that sounded a lot like 'Buck My Knife' but no one in the room had any confusion as to what he was trying to say.

"Fuck my life, Venti." Ronnie nodded. "He just said 'fuck my life.'"

"Thanks, Ronnie." 

Fancypants lifted his head, a thick mask of lightning blue Ronnie goo melting off his face. He scraped some away, and took a look around. "What about that door over there?"

"I've got twenty doors here, Captain." Venti helped him to his feet, gagging as the stench of the goo hit her noseholes. "The big locked one, the three along that wall, those two back there...take your pick."

"Shit, look at that one!" Ronnie waved a tentacle at a bright red door. "That says 'FOOD STORAGE!' Go get me some food! I'm fucking starving!"

Fancypants shook his head. "Now, Ronnie? Food? We've got an alien army on our tail, our cat is missing, and you're...whatever the hell you are now...and you're thinking about food?"

"Fuck yes, I am."

The captain turned to his ex. "Back me up, Venti."

Venti grimaced. "Sorry, Captain, but I'm with Ronnie. I can't actually remember the last time I ate. Maybe we could take a quick break, you know, eat a little snack?"

"Boom, Venti!" Ronnie reached out a tentacle for a high five, and Venti wound up and gave it a slap. 

"Really?" Fancypants sighed. "You too?"

Venti nodded. Ronnie's face, or the part of her that looked most likely to be her face, was a beaming glow of smug satisfaction. 

"Fine. Just wait here and keep watch. Shriek if they show up."

Fancypants shuffled across the corridor over to the red door, which slid open with a satisfying 'shush' as soon as he approached. It slid shut right behind him, and he was alone.

"This is bollocks," Fancypants whined. "Nobody listens to me. My ex-girlfriend won't listen. My neighbour won't listen. That damn robot won't listen. Hell, I don't even want to listen to myself."

The door hadn't lied. The room was rows and rows of shelves, packed to bursting with what looked like square cans. He picked one up and held it close. 

"And I can't even read this label, damn it. What kind of a captain am I?"

Fancypants threw the can across the room in a fit of rage. Something burned inside. Something needed to come out. He needed to...

Sing.

*Sung to the tune of Everybody Hurts by REM*

When your planet's gone

And all life

All life is also gone

And you know you're gonna die

Awful soon

Just give up

Your neighbour is a freak

Everybody dies

And everybody yurts...sometimes

A ship that's a bloody yurt

That's just so freakin' dumb

Who steals their girlfriend's stuff (toothbrush)

(Toothbrush) Or runs a ship on blood (toothbrush)

The hell are we doing here

Just so dumb

'Cause everybody yurts

I don't have any friends

Everybody yurts...