The Final Countdown - Season I

Episode 5: Part 7: Diggus Innus, Ronnicus

Previously on the Final Countdown...

Our heroes have sequestered themselves in a small food storage closet in the very deepest bowels of T'Iguidou's ship. The shallow bowels aren't to be discussed in civilized company. They've at long last been reunited with their felinesque robot companion, Java, who has warned them all that T'Iguidou has no intention, whatsoever, of ferrying them around the cosmos.

No, she has every intention of making them all very dead, very soon.

And that would just suck, wouldn't it?

Fancypants had run out of nails to chew. Every last finger had been gnawed down to the quick, and he was resisting the urge to sit down, peel off his socks, and go to town on his toenails. 

"Okay, think everyone, think!" Fancypants shut his eyes tight, as if his eyelids could somehow trap any amazing brainstorms that might want to escape his brain. "Just fire off ideas! We have to get off this ship!"

"Punch everything." Ronnie had her tentacles wrapped around a huge can of bean-like pellets, but wasn't having much luck with opening it.

"Not helping, Ronnie. Come on guys, this is serious!"

Java held up a paw. "I could try to hack into the whole system and shut it down temporarily..."

"What about life support? Would that get shut down, too?" Venti asked. Her nails weren't faring much better than the captain's.

"Yeah, probably. But I could still make it."

Fancypants's jaw dropped. "What about the rest of us?"

Java shrugged. "You didn't specify that you wanted to get off the ship alive! Come on, Captain, work with me here!"

"Okay, Java and Ronnie don't get to say any more things." Venti shoved her hands in her pockets and marched across the room. "We can't sneak."

Fancypants shook his head. "Nope."

"And no guns to speak of..."

"Not a one."

A speaker crackled to life somewhere nearby, and the booming voice of T'Iguidou echoed through the ship.

"SMALL CONTINGENCY OF CARBON-BASED, DIHYDROGEN-OXIDE-REQUIRING , AND QUITE SMELLY  LIFE FORMS. PLEASE SAY YOUR LAST RESPECTS TO YOUR LIVES, FOR WE ARE GOING TO BE ENDING THEM SOON. THANK YOU FROM T'IGUIDOU."

"Should we just surrender?" Venti held her hands up in the air, as if to say 'I'm tapped.'

Java laughed. Cat laughter sounded an awful lot like when they throw up. "Yeah. You go ahead and surrender. Fat lot of good that'll do you."

Ronnie suddenly ripped the top off of the can of beans, emitting a triumphant roar as the lid peeled clear. "And the truth...shall set you...free!" 

The beans were down her gullet before anyone could figure out how she'd just ripped open a can with her bare hands. She burped richly and promptly disappeared.

"Of course Ronnie disappears." Fancypants had no course of action other than a hearty facepalm. His forehead hit his hand with a resounding smek.

"What the bollocks are you talking about, Cap? I'm still right here."

Ronnie's voice rang out from where Ronnie had just been, only Ronnie still wasn't there.

"Ronnie, trust us, you've disappeared." Venti took a step toward the empty Ronnie-space. "You're really not here. At all."

Something hit Fancypants right in the face with the force of a thousand jackhammers. "That was me. You just got a tentacle to the face, Cap."

Fancypants peeled himself off the floor and wiped his face. Wet, sticky tentacle slime oozed down his cheeks. "Thanks, Ronnie. Always good to have you around."

A wide grin spread across Venti's face. "Wait a sec. Ronnie...give me a hug!"

"Don't have to tell me twice!" Venti stood perfectly still, and a second later, she was gone.

"Venti!" Fancypants abandoned his slime-scraping. "Where are you?"

"She's all up in my business, FP!" Ronnie growled. 

"Ronnie, let me go!" Venti cried. "Now!"

Venti suddenly reappeared, dripping from head to toe with tentacle Ronnie slime, but none the worse for wear.

"I don't know how it happened, but we're not going to let this go to waste," Venti explained. She wiped as much slime from her eyes as she could and slapped Fancypants on the back. "We may just get out of her after all."

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