The Final Countdown - Season I

Episode 5: Part 4: Don't Call It a Comeback

Previously on The Final Countdown...

Fancypants, Venti, and Ronnie have reunited, but Ronnie's not feeling herself. They've escaped the bowels of the ship, but the clutches of danger have not yet let them flee to the yurt. When, oh when, will our dear friends find the clutches of safety?

Join us now as we rejoin Java, who has cat-splored her way to a shaft above T'Iguidou's chambers.

Java burped richly. That third Andromedan Furbaby had been almost too much. She licked her lips, and ran a paw between her ears a few times, just to make sure the top of her head was squeaky clean. 

Then she barfed everything back up.

"Huh." She gave the pile of half-digested space rat a disinterested sniff. "Where the hell am I?"

Pipes, shafts, vents, and all manner of junctions stretched out in every direction. Java peered down a few of them, but none seemed very interesting. Something darted past right behind her, but after a few tense moments, she realized it was only her tail.

"Jesus, cats are dumb." She'd tried a hundred times to turn into something else, but her cat brain couldn't quite figure it out. She was stuck as a cat until she found the Final Countdown crew.

Footsteps approached from below, and Java's Curious Cat mode activated. She slunk along the floor with ears in full prick, finally stopping at a vent that overlooked a massive, elegantly decorated chamber. T'Iguidou strode into view, her face a perfect portrait of unchecked rage.

"How do you lose three aliens?" T'Iguidou sat in an ornate, glittery throne, but hopped right back up again to pace the room. "They're literally the only ones left! And from what I've heard, one of them has testicles now!"

The guards, just out of Java's eyeline, snickered.

One of them cleared his throat. "Tentacles, ma'am."

"Tentacles."

"Yes. Tentacles."

"What did I say?"

"Testicles."

"What? I didn't say testicles."

"You did, ma'am."

"Ridiculous. I never said testicles."

"I hate to argue, ma'am, but you did."

"You there, other guard, what's your name?"

"Buford, ma'am."

"Buford, shoot this anus before he says anything else stupid."

The distinctive whine of a laser blast roared through the vents, followed by the heavy thud of what must have been the stupid guard's body hitting the floor.

"Well done, Buford. Thank you. I believe the humans have overstayed their welcome. Dispose of them at once."

"Ma'am."

Buford's footsteps shuffled toward the door.

"Ma'am?"

"Buford, don't make me order you to shoot yourself."

"It's just, how shall I dispose of them, ma'am?"

T'Iguidou giggled. It was a high-pitched, bizarre sound that didn't sound right coming out of her mouth, but regardless, she giggled.

"Ooohhh, this could be fun. Shooting is quite boring, isn't it? Cutting off life support until they asphyxiate might work. OOH, no, I know. Fire them out an airlock, and we can watch as their bodies freeze in the unforgiving vacuum of space. How does that sound?"

"Truly horrifying, ma'am."

"Excellent. And if you can find that cat, you can have extra food at dinner."

"Ma'am."

The door shished open and Buford was gone in a flash.

"Pity." T'Iguidou sat back in her throne and stared at the door. "But it can't be helped. As long as they don't stumble onto that universal key that Kyle lost all those weeks ago that opens literally everything in the ship, they'll be dead before we hit Proxima B."

Java didn't need another word. She dashed back down the shafts, her life's purpose suddenly thrust into stark view.

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