The Final Countdown - Season I

Episode 4: Part 3: Settle the Eff Down

Previously on The Final Countdown...

Java has turned herself into a robotic cat, and bravely steps out of the yurt to face the aliens.

Java scampered out the door of the yurt, and sat right in front of the towering T'Iguidou.

"What the hell is that?" T'Iguidou had never seen anything with only four legs before. Countless tentacles, three hundred trillion cilia lining a swollen larva, and spacebound bacteria that made the bubonic plague look like a mild hangover were all things she'd come across just yesterday, but this tiny robotic cat rendered her speechless.

Java meowed. She still had some work to do on making the meow authentic, but it was a reasonable facsimile.

"Have you just threatened me?" T'Iguidou bristled and ordered the few remaining guards to train their sights on the diminutive feline. "Have you just threatened the existence of our entire race?"

Venti poked her head around the corner. "Wait...what?"

The guards whipped around faster than a Red Bull-enhanced fidget spinner. Venti threw her hands up and tiptoed out of the yurt.

"This gesture...your hands...what does this mean?" T'Iguidou hid behind the largest guard. "Are you also threatening us? We built this ship, you can't just take it for your own! We built it!"

Fancypants joined his crew on the deck of the alien ship, his hands held out at his sides. Ronnie stirred, and the captain and Venti helped her back to her feet. The stench would have to be dealt with later, but at least they had their Ronnie back.

"Who the fuck do you...why the fuck...who the mother-loving shit..."

Ronnie went on for a full two minutes before she lost her train of thought and ended up coughing until her eyes went crossed.

"Guards!" T'Iguidou reared to her full impressive height and pointed a long, bony digit at the crew of the Final Countdown. "They have attacked our ship, they have attacked our race! You must destroy them immediately!"

"Whoa! Hold on! Just hold the hell on for two seconds!" Venti dropped her hands and crossed her arms over her chest. "Do you have any idea what we've been through? Do you know where we've just come from? Our planet just blew up, because of shit like this! You yanked us in here! You started this!"

"Your large incontinent person attacked us first!" T'Iguidou's finger quivered. "You must die for that horror!"

"She attacked because she's a) crazy, and b) you guys had guns pointed at us! What are we supposed to do, lie down and say 'yes please, we wish we were dead?'" Venti's cheeks flushed, her eyes blazed with a deep fire, but her gaze never moved from T'Iguidou's ocular region.

"Kill them!" T'Iguidou shrieked. "Kill them now!"

"WAIT!" 

Fancypants leapt out in front of the guards, surprised at his own courage. "You can't kill us. We're the last humans left. You kill us, you wipe us out. We carry with us the history of the entire human race."

T'Iguidou's finger withdrew, but the guns remained pointed at the yurt-dwellers. "What could you possibly have to teach us? We, who think of everything. We, who have brought our ways to countless systems throughout the galaxy. What could you, lowly savage animals that can barely think, have to offer us?"

Java curled herself around the towering empress's legs, purring with all her might. 

T'Iguidou froze. "What is it? Why haven't you killed it yet?"

Java left the empress, and worked her magic on the guards. One by one, they lowered their guns and gave Java a loving scratch behind the ears.

"That's what we can teach you, you psychotic bitch." Ronnie stepped right up to T'Iguidou and bumped the alien with her impressive belly. "You don't just kill everything you don't understand."

T'Iguidou bent down and picked up the rumbling Java. 

"Perhaps." She spun around with the robot cat clutched to her chest. "Follow me."

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