Endless Shadows

Chapter 27

I raise my head as someone knocks on my door. I look out the window and see that the sun has just risen over the trees, I've been laying here all night. Another knock is heard and I force myself to get up answer it. I assume it's Faervel coming to tell me that I need to move on with my life and brace myself for a lecture. I open the door and sigh in relief, it's not Faervel.

"May I come in?" Pallando asks.
"Be my guest." I stand aside to let him enter. Once he's inside I close the door. 
"How are you feeling Amarth? You've had me worried all night, I wanted to go to you sooner but Faervel told us not to disturb you." Pallando stands up against a wall, his blue-grey eyes staring at me in concern.
"Faervel always seems to know what's best," I mutter under my breath. Pallando is still waiting for an answer, but one of my favorite things about him is that he will never rush anyone when talking. He will wait as long as he has to.

What should I tell him though? That my long lost sister whom I thought to be dead who is actually dead and has returned as a "feä" and was once close friends with my almost enemy who is also dead and mostly responsible for her death?  

That's exactly what I tell him.

Pallando nods slowly, processing what I just said. 
"I must admit Amarth, I am slightly confused as to why you are upset about this. Your sister has returned to you, and a friend of yours-"
"Acquaintance," I interject. 
"Of course, your sister and an acquaintance of yours have both returned to you. Isn't this a good thing?"
"How can it be a good thing when they're both dead?" I sit down on my bed and let my head fall into my hands. "I left Anna in Mirkwood so that she wouldn't die and what happens? Legolas gets her killed! All those days spent with him and having no idea that he had known my sister, why? Because I didn't remember her then! It wasn't until Alatar died that I remembered Anna, and even then I didn't think to ask Legolas if he knew anything about her. Now I know the truth and I don't know what to do!"

Pallando watches me in silence, I don't have to look at him to know that he's staring at me. He sighs and I can hear his robes shuffling as he comes towards me. He sits down on the bed but not to where he's close to me. He always knows when I need my own space.

"What do you mean that you left Anna in Mirkwood?" He asks. "And why does she claim to have been killed by men, but Legolas says that she was killed by an orc?"
I sigh and lift my head up out of my hands. I never told Pallando about Anna, or what I did to her. As long as I'm confessing my deepest, darkest secrets I might as well tell him the truth. 
"Anna was almost killed by men," my chest tightens as I remember her screams, "they wanted revenge for what I had done to them, so they hurt Anna. They left her alive but I lacked the skill to heal her and I was afraid that the men would come back to finish her. So I decided to bring her to Mirkwood, we'd been living close by and I knew from you that elves lived there."

My breath catches in my throat, I dig my fingers into my knees. I still haven't forgiven myself for this. 
"I left her where I knew she would be found, and as if abandoning her in a strange place wasn't enough, I took away her memories. Everything she was, everything that I loved about her, I stole. Then I left her behind and do you know what I did next? I gave in to the darkness. I let it consume me, change me, I did not care about anything or anyone. Because I abandoned Anna I lost everything. It's my fault, all of it is my fault!"

Pallando puts his hand on my shoulder but I pull away. I don't deserve anyone's kindness.
"Amarth, please look at me." 
I do as he says. There are no tears in my eyes, only anger. 
"Do you not see what you are doing to yourself? You cannot keep blaming yourself for things that are out of your control."
"Oh, but I was in control," I chuckle darkly, "do you want to know how all of this started? How my wife and son were murdered? Why my sister and I became slaves in Rhun? Let me tell you how Pallando, I'm the one who brought the Easterlings. I killed their men and it brought them to us. They destroyed everything and whose fault was it? Mine. If I had just held back none of this would have happened! I wouldn't have brought all of this suffering upon everyone that I cared about! Now look me in the eye and tell me that none of this was my fault!"