It's A Gay Thing

20 //

20 // Dani

The first thing I see when my eyes open is Cindy doing her makeup. She's sitting at her desk, staring into her mirror, adding a shade of dark red to her left eyelid. I hold my head, still a little dizzy. I hadn't gotten high in a while and this hit me like a hurricane.

As I sit up, I hear her voice, "It's 8:20am. Don't know where you've gotta be or if you want to be there but you're welcome to stay on the floor a little longer."

"Nah, I'll head out. I need a mental health day though. I feel like shit."

"Sounds good."

I slept in my clothes from last night so all I need to do is fix my hair and lace my shoes back on. Before I walk out, I turn around and look at Cindy, "Thanks for everything. You're a great friend. I don't treat you as well as I should."

She doesn't even glance, "I know. But I'm used to it. Bye Dani."

"See ya," I say, not processing that comment.

I wander back to my room and lay in my bed, eyes fixated on the ceiling. I can't keep going on like this. I'm afraid to be alive and it's eating me inside. Meanwhile, my phone is going off. Everyone is texting me, via several social media apps, trying to know if I'm all right and why I wasn't in class and whether I need chicken noodle soup. It's overwhelming when you're beat.

I ended up napping until 4pm. I feel like if you nap 7-8 hours, it's not even a nap anymore. You just slept. So much for my sleep cycle. Thank God tomorrow is Saturday. Or is it? I'm not even sure what planet we're on.

Checking my phone, today is indeed a Friday. I dreamt of Pris. The dream was fuzzy but I think we robbed a bank together. I've been craving Pris since I woke up on Cindy's floor. I really want her company and her warmth. I haven't been texting her much lately. She has been respected my space. This came without an argument too. The distance set in naturally, as I texted her less and she requested less of my time. I'm starting to realize that it was to my detriment. I feel way further away from her now, almost like we broke up but stayed friends.

This distance is also jumpstarting my depression. It's an endless loop of the distance is there because no one cares about you because you let yourself get jumped. Yeah, I need to socialize and stop being left alone with my thoughts.

I send Pris a message. To my surprise, she calls me.

"Hey," I say.

"Hey," she answers back. My throat closes up, like I'm about to cry. I didn't realize how much I missed her soft voice.

"You wanna come over and hang out? Watch a movie or something?"

"Sure. What time?"

"Anytime."

"Can I come right now?"

"Yeah actually. Unless you want me to shower."

"I really don't care. I just want to see you."

The intonations behind someone's voice mean so much. And the way Pris said that last sentence, my heart dropped. I could tell how much she'd been missing me this entire time. I'm assuming she didn't reach out out of respect for me but also for fear that we might break up because of her 'clinginess'. But honestly, her clinginess these past two weeks would have been greatly appreciated.

For the most part, I haven't been able to express what I want. What I need. What would make me feel better and alive. I don't know if I want to talk about it or avoid it. Some days, walking outside scares the shit out of me. Other days, I clench my fist and march out there like I belong on the city streets. It really depends on what thoughts are racing through my mind at that moment.