It's A Gay Thing

24 //

24 // Dani

Sluggish, I leave class feeling worse than when I walked in. I am realizing how behind I am in all my classes. I'm greeted by the stares and passive aggressive comments of my professors who have noticed my absence in the fifteen student classrooms, along with the glares of past group project members that I bailed on. They are all justified to be upset and that makes me feel guiltier than I already do. I get anxious enough in supposedly safe public spaces, but this tension makes me want to shrivel up into a ball.

I use my break between classes to get off campus because I need to breathe without feeling judged. I'm disappointed in myself. I struggled to earn this academic scholarship that keeps me in schools and it looks like I'm wasting it all away for "some mental health issues" as the dean of students put it. I had to meet with up before my first class because of my many unjustified absences and my plummeting GPA. He's not that understanding to begin with, but I didn't realize how ableist and classist he was on top of that.

I walk into the The Green Life, the coffee shop where I met Pris and gave her my number. After not going for a month, even though I was a regular customer, I expected some things to have changed. Maybe different faces sitting at the various tables or new teas for the season or a new hip poster on the wall. But everything stayed the same.

Well, maybe not everything. In the distance, I can see Cindy sitting in the back, reading a book. She's not the type to enjoy an indie coffee shop off to the side of campus while turning the pages of an American classic. I approach her.

"Never thought I'd see you here," I tell her.

She looks up at me, "Sorry I intruded on your territory."

"My territory implies that I come here." I take a seat in front of her.

She puts the book on the table and sips the tea, "You've been here?"

I shake my head.

"If I didn't know something was wrong before, I'd know now. You don't exist without coffee. How are you doing? How you been feeling?"

"I'm, you know, trying. Hanging in there."

"Nothing is more relatable right now, I swear," she replies. "I need this week to end, but it's only Monday. Shit is depressing."

I nod. She checks her phone and starts typing. I check mine too quickly. No text. At least no one wants anything from me. That's good, I guess.

"How are you doing?" I ask her.

She takes a minute to respond, "Tired and out of weed. So a little cranky that I have to study for finals not feeling good."

I nod again. There is a pause. I watch a lock of dark hair fall over Cindy's face as she's still texting whoever, probably some boy. The way she purses her lips, with her red lipstick, is probably how she gets everybody hooked. Everyone has a little crush on Cindy.

"How are things with Pristina?" she asks, eyes still on the phone.

"Good."

She puts her phone down and glares at me. "Really? You're gonna hit me with just 'good'? You've been trying to break up with her for a while."

"What do you mean?"

She starts to mimic me, "I don't know if I should put Pris through this, I feel so guilty, I should just leave."

I scratch the back of my head, "Look, she still means a lot to me, you know, and I enjoy spending time with her."

"Please Dani. You enjoy hearing her call out your name while you're eating her out. You need to leave this little girl alone. She can't handle you or what you're going through."