It's A Gay Thing

23 //

23 // Pris

Only Dani can get into a seemingly fatal car accident and only have a minor concussion. We're back at the apartment, all of us, after the doctors let Dani go. Alex went to go get her prescription and the others are just watching over her for any signs of worsening. But other than a bad headache and few bruises, she's fine.

The room is silent. Dinner was ruined of course. After I saw one car hit the other, I ran over. The collision made such a loud noise that people rushed over as well. Traffic stopped. Cars tried to drive around but the street was soon to be blocked off. Dani's friends joined me right before the ambulance came. One thing that didn't make sense was that, if the doctors have checked up on her, why hasn't she gotten in any trouble for being high? I guess, some things, I'll never know.

"Excuse me for a minute," Dani says, getting off the couch.

They all look at me. I get the hint and follow her into her room. I close the door and sit next to her on the bed.

"I'm sorry, but this is a lot. Everybody just sitting around watching. I need to be alone for a while."

"Can I stay?" I ask her.

She glances over at me, "No. I think I'm gonna go see Cindy."

"Why?"

"Look, no need to get jealous over this," Dani grabs a sweater and heads for her bedroom door. "She's been the only one to understand me lately."

I jump up to block the doorway, "What can she do that I can't?"

We're so close that I can feel her breath on my neck. Her eyes are staring right into me. The air feels heavy. For once in our entire relationship, I'm a little scared to be around her. I've been starting to wonder whether this part of her, the carelessness, the violence, the recklessness was hidden to draw me in. I was so convinced that she became like this because of the hate crime. But the others don't seem surprised by this behavior, as if it has happened before. It's kind of weird realizing that you may not know the person you consider knowing you the best in the world.

"She doesn't make me feel judged," she says so softly.

I touch her face, "What do you mean?"

"Everything I do these days, I get a look from one of you. There's always someone who doesn't agree with the way I'm living my life. Cindy doesn't give a shit. She's been more helpful in this time than anyone else."

"I'm worried about you. We all are. You refuse to accept our help or talk to us, but expect us to be completely supportive of your destructive behavior?"

She stays silent and looks down.

"Are you hooking up with her?" I ask her, knowing my heart is about to break.

"No."

I try to stay calm, "Don't lie to me."

"I'm not," she looks up. "Cindy's fucking some dude named Steven and I'm not looking for that with her. So, no, I'm not hooking up with her."

It's genuine. I can hear it in her voice. I also want to believe that she wouldn't lie to me about our relationship like that, but then again, you never know. She's been acting so different lately; I don't even recognize her.

"I want to work this out," I tell her, tears starting to stream from my eyes.

"I don't think I want to," she answers back. "I've been dragging you through this enough. I can't let you take care of me like this."

"I don't want to lose you."

"You have lost me. This is not how we were."

"We can fix this; we have to get through these challenges."

Dani gets closer to me. The tension between us is tearing me apart. I simultaneously want to burst into tears, punch her in the face and tear her clothes off. I try to maintain the eye contact.

"I really need to go," Dani tells me, her voice insistent.

I see her eyes lower, to glance at my lips. I lean in closer and wait for her to mirror me. She does.

"What if I don't let you leave?" I ask her, knowing I'm teasing her and hoping she'll play along.

"Then I'll have to make you move," she whispers back.

"All right," I say. "Make me."

Her face lights up as she tries grabs my hips and pulls me closer. We kiss. We kiss and it reminds me of some of our first intimate moments, connecting together, just for the love we feel for each other. The tender kiss rapidly turns into aggressive grabbing of clothing, raking of skin, pulling each other closer.

We pause. Her lips are pressed against my neck while her hand is mid-grope on my thigh. I'm pushing her head into my neck with my hand, with one leg wrapped around her hip. We can hear the others in the living room moving around. It sounds like Alex has come back to drop off the meds and drive her date home. Tony and Lana seem to be going into his room for the night. Blue and Lisa are leaving the apartment to go clear their mind about everything. Meanwhile, Dani and I are laughing a little at this whole scene, hoping no one bothers us.

The doors shut, the commotion stops and the apartment is back to silence. Dani and I exhale and look at each other.

"That was close," Dani breathes out into my neck.

"Yeah," I chuckle. "Have I convinced you to stay longer?"

"I think you'd convince anyone to stay longer."

She resumes kissing my neck. I want to fight back a little and get some more answers about her relationship with Cindy, but I've missed the physical contact too much to let it go. My body throbs in anticipation of her touch and her lips. I manage to not make too much noise, as she carries me back to the bed. There, we reconnect sexually in a novel way. I had never felt this intertwined with her before, especially after she made me come. My legs were still shaking, as I feel her lips travel my body back up to my lips, holding me delicately, watching me twitch. I finally open my eyes, waves of pleasure still shocking my body and look at her smirk. I roll my eyes.

"Some things never change I guess," she tells me. I'm confused. She mimics me rolling my eyes.

I lightly punch her chest, "I guess some things don't."

There's a silence. Her eyes get glassy, as in on the verge of heavy tears. She holds it in. The way she looks at me reminds me of the past. The way we used to look at, hold and love each other. We used to be so united. We used to feel so in tuned with one another. Meeting her eyes in this embrace, I can't help but to fall back in love with her, just like in the beginning.

"I'm sorry I've been this much of a pain in the ass," she breaks the silence.

"I'm sorry I've been this clingy and mom-like around you," I say.

She laughs, "When I take a step back, your worries are completely valid. I just can't always see it but you're right. You've been right all along."

"I know," I smirk. She laughs. "But seriously though, I just want to help you. I love you so much that somedays, I think my heart is about to burst. And it sounds so dumb, because we're so young and this is my first relationship, but I see so much in you, Dani. I don't want to let you go."

"I don't want to let you go either. I'm lost though. I don't know where to go or how to find help at this point. I'm failing my first semester here. I feel stupid for even trying to be here."

"Don't say that," I stoke her face. "Other people haven't face what you've gone through this semester. You can't compare yourself to others like that. You'll always feel disadvantaged."

"I guess you're right."

"I know I'm right."

We laugh and kiss more. I turn around and she cuddles me, holding me tight to her body. I didn't expect to stay over the night but I guess we are now. As I feel her arms around my waist, I just wonder how much help can I get her? How much longer can I be a part of this cycle with her? Will this time be the actual time she gets her shit together? I'm also worried about Cindy and her role in Dani's life right now. How much authority does she have in Dani's life and her decisions? Obviously, quite a bit. I'm frustrated more than anything else. I guess time will tell.