It's A Gay Thing

25 //

25 // Pris

I cried for two weeks straight after Dani told me that we had broken up. I would roll out of bed in the morning about five minutes before leaving for classes, drag myself through school to then go directly back to my bed until the next day. I lost my appetite. I stopped talking to people. I barely did my homework.

Neil was truly worried. He would knock on my door occasionally to ask if I was hungry or needed a hug. Sometimes, I did and I accepted his help. Sometimes, I flipped him off unnecessarily. Most times though, I was surrounded by the silence of my thoughts that I could not bear any more. My mind was racing. I was thinking about who I'd confide in from now on, since she had become of my best friends, how she might be with Cindy or someone else, what she could be doing with Cindy or someone else and how much I missed her. I missed Dani so fucking much.

It's Wednesday. I'm out of school. Walking slower than others around me, I watch them go about their lives. I know others must be going through a similar situation as me, or other struggles of various kinds. But I don't see them falling apart and that makes me envious. Envious of the way they are keeping their composure and continuing their lives, despite their problems.

I feel an arm slither around me, and it's Ari. She stops me on the front steps of the school.

"Pris, I haven't seen you in forever," Ari tells me.

"I know," my voice lowers. "I haven't seen anyone in a while. Besides Mr. Watson."

We both laugh. She brushes some hair out of my face, "Come with me."

Ari grabs my hand and leads me down the stairs, to her car. We hop in. She starts driving and I'm slightly terrified by her lack of skill, slightly acceptant of my near death. We slow down towards The Green Life and I glare at her.

She chuckles, "Relax, I just want to get a mocha before we go where I'm taking you."

"Fine."

We park in a small spot, between two pickups trucks. She's about to get out, "You wanna come with or stay in the car? It'll only take me a minute."

"I'll go."

We walk into the coffeeshop. I'm hoping I don't see Dani. But I'm also hoping I will see Dani. My stomach is burning from this anxiety. I can feel my body shake and shiver at the thought of seeing her. I miss her hugs and her lips so much. I just want to bury my head into her sweaters like I used to.

We get in line and someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn around slowly, mentally preparing myself for whomever this person could be. To my surprise, I'm greeted by Lana's smile.

"Hey sweetie," she tells me so softly, leaning in for a hug. I step out of the line; I've lost Ari to social media at this point anyway.

"Hey," I answer.

"How are you?"

I have to keep myself from sobbing, "I'm okay."

She sees through me, "It's gonna be okay, like truly okay."

She pulls me into a tighter, longer hug and it feels so genuine. Lana is honestly such a wonderful human being. I'm glad we can perhaps still stay friends despite the break up.

Turning around, I notice Tony approaching us. His hand touches Lana's waist and she breaks into a smile. I love their love.

"Hey Pris," Tony says. "Hope you're holding up okay."

"Do you need anything? Tea, hugs, to talk, anything really?" Lana asks me.

"For you to tell me that this is all a bad nightmare."

Ari now has her drink and approaches our circle, "Is Dani here?"

My heart starts thumping. What if Dani is here? Maybe she's over in the back, where she usually is. Or maybe she is sobbing in her room too. Or maybe she's with Cindy.

"No," Tony answers. "Dani's been self-medicating a lot."

"Did she get through her exams?" I ask them.

Tony and Lana look at each other. She didn't get through them whatsoever. We start to part ways but there's a burning question in me that I need answered. As we push through the glass doors of the shop, I grab Lana's hand. She turns around and everyone stops walking.

"I need to know something," I say.

"Anything," Lana replies.

"Is Dani with Cindy now?"

Tony steps in, "No. I promise, no."

I nod, "Okay then."

The two groups go their separate ways. Back in Ari's car, I feel worse than before. Seeing the couple was a direct reminder of those memories that I shared with Dani. It also reminds me of that night that made our relationship sink. I realize, in all this time on my own, how I angry I am. I'm so angry that this hate crime happened to my friends and my lover. I'm so angry that those boys got away with harassing, threatening and assaulting these people that have become the world to me, that have taken me under their wing and made me a part of their family. I'm so fucking angry that my friends have to suffer from people's stupid ignorance.

The rage grows more intense as we continue to drive. I'm looking out the window, as the trees and endless buildings pass us by. Finally, we start to go up a hill. I don't question it. We zigzag through several roads and ultimately, slow down near this hidden spot. As we pull up, the view over the city becomes an engulfing experience. The early winter sunsets over the city have begun. The streets lights turned on and just like that, my city looks beautiful.

"I knew you'd like it," Ari says.

"How do you know I like it?"

"You haven't sniffled."

I have to laugh at that. She joins in. She holds my hand, so tight, as we keep staring at the view. I don't believe that Dani was the love of my life. I don't buy into that kind of story. But Dani will be the love of my teenage years. She gave me the strength to love and trust, to care and to support. I never knew what I'd do for others until I met her. She showed me a new way of being compassionate and understanding, while challenging my comfort zone.

I love Dani. I know she loves me back. But growing up is realizing that even that it isn't sufficient for two people to be together. As I reflect on my relationship with Dani, I just keep thinking.

Fuck that hate crime. Fuck those boys. Fuck homophobia.

--

This is the end of this book! It's been a rollercoaster, from months of silence to sudden prolific writing over the course of three years. For all those that have reached the end of this story, thank you! I hope you enjoyed it, and while it can be a frustrating read, I'm happy you stuck with it.

Please, feel free to vote and comment on the story.