Of Blessings and Curses

Chapter 7

I make a half-strangled sounding noise that resembles a dying kneazle's. 

"Heidi? Can I come in?" Newt asks. The doorknob jiggles ever so slightly. I was so close to figuring something out. Of course, I can't remember it now. I feel the anger boiling in my chest, and my stomach hurts with the guilt and hurt. My ears are ringing with the news.

Rowena Ravenclaw was telekinetic. 

Rowena Ravenclaw was telekinetic.

Rowena Ravenclaw was telekinetic. 

I grab my pillow and scream into it, so loudly that I don't hear anything- not even Newt unlocking the door with a charm. 

"Heidi!" he cries, attempting to get me out of my head.

Something explodes nearby, and I hear the sound of shattering glass. 

By now, my scream has subsided into a low wail. 

"I'm so sorry, Heidi. I really thought you knew. I'm terribly sorry that you didn't know." Newt says as I haul myself into a sitting position next to Newt as we sit perched on my bed. I'm not even bothering to try and conceal, let alone stop, my tears. 

"I killed my dad." I say, my head hanging in shame. The words come out of my mouth unplanned and uncoordinated. The one thing I out a mental block over, my dad's death. I can't even think about it enough to think about not thinking about it- if that makes any sense. 

Then again, the way things are going, I'm not expecting anything to. 

"What?" Oh, God, that expression. Confusion, horror, disbelief- mirroring my mom's expression- though her's included hatred. A hatred that never left. 

"It was in sixth year, and I had figured out that I was telekinetic a year ago, when I was fifteen. My dad was working at the Ministry all summer long. I saw him one before he died. I was so angry that I started shouting at him.  I was yelling at him for never being there, and he was yelling at me for being rash and stupid. Suddenly, he looked at me, his mouth open as if he was about to say something, and died. Just like that. He just crumpled to the floor. There wasn't any blood or scream or noise at all- the exact opposite really. It was loud and angry, and the it just... wasn't. He was dead. I killed him. My mom came in a few minutes later to see why we were being so loud, then so quiet. She started yelling at me, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything back. She kept screaming, 'What happened, what happened?', and it took her a few minutes to realize that I had killed him. 

"Her face changed--it got ten years older and her eyes started to gleam like she had gone crazy. She did tell Headmaster Dippet, and he let me come back to school and continue my education, but she didn't tell him about my dad. So I left to go back to school for my 6th and 7th years, and only came home for summer. She never talked to me again. It was like I had never existed..." The lump in my throat bursts, and I start to cry, "I... I once wished that I could have a different family, one that... that was supportive and cared about me as a person, not just as the heir. After... It happened... I--I never got asked to come to family gatherings or saw anyone in my extended family. I guess that I had never wanted to, you know, be involved in all the pureblood bullshit, but... Now no one even cared. No one cared if what my grades were. No one cared about what I was going to do after Hogwarts. No one cared about how I felt." Anger surges in my chest, but I press it down again, the old feeling returning.

You know what to say next. Newt doesn't deserve to feel guilty about this. I say slowly, "If you, um, want me to leave now, I will. I get that you don't want a murderer in your house." I recede further and further into myself as I keep talking, my shoulders hunching and my voice getting softer and softer. I close my eyes, awaiting the answer, ready to stand up, thank Newt for everything he's done, grab my trunk and walk away. Alone again. I flinch as Newt gently, tentatively wraps an arm around my shoulder. There's no polite way to say that he's better with animals than he is with people. He's sweet and kind and a Hufflepuff in every way, but it's hard for him to connect. But, coming from a home severely lacking in the "love and support" department, it was hard for me too. To be honest, I was more terrified than I was excited when I was standing on Newt's doorstep, in a time that feels like forever ago and yesterday. Maybe we're good for each other. Maybe, maybe Newt will say...

"No," he says, "I don't want you to leave. It doesn't make you any different, really." 

"Wait, are--are you serious?" A tsunami of relief and disbelief crashes on top of me, "Did you hear what I said?" 

"Yeah. But you never meant it." Newt pauses, "Did you?" he asks warily. 

"No!" I exclaim, "Of course not." Merlin, did he not see me sobbing?

"Exactly. People make mistakes, families get upset, it all works out." 

"Newt. I killed  someone. I'm a murderer." 

"But you didn't mean to. It was an accident, and you can't control it, yet. Do, um," Newt pauses, realizing that he's actually connecting with another human being--not a creature, "Do you want me to help you." 

Voice cracking pitifully, I whimper, "Yes."

"Alright, then. It's settled," I take a moment to appreciate Newt's utter calm. I had never thought of... it... as an accident before, "You're staying here. We're going to do this together." I've never had an older brother, but... "Are you okay?"

"Sort of." I sniffle, "But I'll worry about that later." I try to laugh, but it comes out as more of a sob, "Thank you." As I break down, Newt pulls me into an embrace. 

"I'll be your family until your real one forgives you." 

Maybe Newt and I have more in common than Magizoology and social awkwardness.