Of Blessings and Curses

Chapter 19

The words come through water, as if I need glasses for my ears. 

"Heidi?" 

No pain accompanies my consciousness, causing my eyes to snap open at the sudden and welcome change. 

At that moment, all hell breaks loose. 

The second I see Tina, hovering over me, thick, black blindfold in hand, the most powerful fury that I have ever experienced, stronger even than the pain of a few minutes, hours, days ago, overtakes me. The scene before me suddenly freezes, and dizzyingly, every second that I missed flashes before my eyes. Colors dance in front of me, blurred shapes of Newt and Grindelwald and Tina and others dash across my field of vision for a full two seconds. When I return to the present, Tina has staggered backwards, hands around her own throat, face rapidly turning blue.

Sickeningly, time slows down, starkly contrasting to the murky past events I just re-lived. 

Unable to break my gaze, I stand up shakily, vomit rising in my throat. Visions of my father's blank eyes staring up at the ceiling torment my head. My own scream mixes with Tina's gasps and struggle for air. Newt makes the connection quickly and, just as Tina's eyes begin to close and her knees give out, claps a rough hand over my eyes.

He quickly removes it, and time lurches forwards once again, slowing to its regular pace to reveal a half-passed out Tina on the stone floor of the cell, with Newt crouched beside her, Jacob standing to the side, eyes flitting between me and Tina like he's watching a Quidditch match. Unable to properly draw breath, I shakily sit on the floor, cold stone sinking into the fabric of my robes. 

Drawing my knees to my chest, I allow myself to sink into my mind, wishing to avoid notice and disappear altogether.

My shoulders tremble in my intense effort to suppress the waves of sadness and remorse flooding over me. Because I do not deserve to cry. 

I don't deserve guilt, or the opportunity to explain my evils, or Tina, or Newt, or Jacob, or Queenie, or any of the creatures. And the realization that I never have  suddenly unlocks in my brain. With an intense wish to fix this, my mind races, scouring the winding hallways of my brain cells for something I could use as an excuse. But there is none. 

"I killed my father." I do not mean to speak, I do not deserve to speak, but the words are shoved out of my mouth by some part of me that still believes in the power of apologies, "I got mad and his heart stopped. It was all my fault. I should have known what would happen. My poor mother... she was never the same. I murdered him. I'm a killer. My mother understood. She hid books that had any evidence that the Ravenclaw family has passed on the curse of telekinesis. Maybe if I had never known, maybe if I wasn't so caught up in figuring everything out, none of this would have happened." 

"Heidi..." Newt begins, saving Tina from using her undoubtedly hoarse voice. I hold up a hand, averting my eyes, head bowing, squeezing my knees a little closer to my chest. 

"I'm sorry," I begin, voice rising, breaking, "This isn't about me," a sob escapes my lips, and I cover my mouth with the back of my hand, closing my eyes. Part of me wishes I would cry and they would see how sorry and pitiful I am and forgive me. The more sinister part of my snaps at me to stop being ridiculous, that you don't deserve to cry and you certainly don't deserve their forgiveness, "As - as soon as this mess is over, I promise I'll leave." 

"No - " Tina croaks. I wince. I did that.  

"I'm sorry, Tina. But I've told you before - I always carry out promises," I say, memories of our first conversation outside the bank flashing through my mind.