Dan Howell imagines

Hold on (T.W)

A/N before you read, PLEASE listen to the song before, while, after, whenever but please listen to the song because its so fucking amazing.

The thoughts are eating me alive. It's been about 1 and a half hours since I locked myself in the bathroom even though no one is home. Yet. I'm not taking any chances of someone walking in and asking what's wrong. I can't tell him what's wrong. I can't have him know what goes through my fucked up head. He'll leave. He'll think I'm a freak. He'll think I am crazy or something and he'll leave. I can't have him leave. I love him too much. That's why I keep it all in. I act like everything is ok and go through my day when I'm my head I'd contemplated suicide at least a dozen times.
As I sit here in fetal position with my back against the wall drowning in my tears, wishing I could just end it all, the voices get louder.
You're irrelevant
Kill yourself
No one likes you
Dan doesn't actually love you
Dan will never love you
You're worthless
I put my hands over my ears and squeeze my eyes shut and scream
'Shut up, shut up, shut up!' The voices don't stop though.
If you end it now, you'll be happier
Dan won't miss you
You don't deserve him
You need to just suck it up and kill yourself already
Just do it
Do it and it will be over
Quick and fast
No pain
Over
I finally got up and opened one of the drawers and dug around for the sharp object I've been thinking of for a while. I finally found it.
The blade
A.n- I'm not gonna go into detail with what happens cause I'm sure you know and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings for anything. Obviously I said trigger warning for a reason but I still want everyone to be safe and not be triggered. I hope that's ok and thank you for understand. I love every single one of you and I'm here if you ever need anything💜
Dans POV-
I texted (Y/N) before I got home from the store but she never answered and that was kinda weird. She must just be sleeping or something. I open the door after unlocking it.

'(Y/N)! I'm home!' I yell but don't get an answer. Maybe she actually is sleeping. I walk upstairs and see the bedroom door open. I head in there and see the bathroom light is on through the cracks in the closed door. did she not hear me? oh well. I walk over to the door and lightly knock.

'Y/N?' I ask softly. no answer. I give the door knob a little jiggle and try to turn it. its unlocked. I slowly open the door and see what is possibly the worst sight I've ever seen. Y/N is laying on the floor covered in blood...from her wrists. I sprint to her side.

'Y/N?! oh no, no please baby come on. Open your eyes love.' I take my phone out of my back pocket and call 911 (or whatever number it is where you live)

'911 what's your emergency?' The person answers.

'Yes hello?! My girlfriend. She's bleeding. There's a lot of blood. Please come.' I say trying to wipe my tears but more keep coming.

'What is your address sir?' The operator asks. I give them my address.

'Alright the medics are on their way. Is she breathing?' I hear the person ask me through the phone. My heart stops and I freeze. What if she's not...What am I going to do? 'sir? are you there? is she breathing sir? I come out of my thoughts and take a deep breath and check. I cry in relief.

'she's breathing but her hearts beating slow' I say sniffling. The operator says ok and says the ambulance will be here any minute. Just then I hear the front door open and I hear people running up the stairs.

'The medics are there sir. They will take care of everything. You can hang up now' The person on the other side of the phone says. I nod my head.

'Thank you so much' I say and hang up. I look up from Y/N and look at the paramedics. They rush in and move passed me. I hear one person behind me saying I need to move. I look at them and start crying more.

'I cant. I need to stay with her. She's going to die!' I say not caring that actual snot is running down my nose. I feel a pair of arms around me and pull me up. I try to fight it but it doesn't work. I sit on the bed while they take Y/N on a mini bed and take her out. I follow them and walk outside.

'Can I come in with you?' I beg as they put her in the vehicle. A lady looks at me and nods sadly. I thank her and hope up into the ambulance. The doors close as I sit down. I take Y/N's hand as I sit there. a couple people are back with us and they put a breathing tube in her nose so she can get more oxygen. They are talking all medical like and are saying to drive as fast as possible.

When we finally arrive at the hospital after what felt like hours, they rush her out and there are nurses waiting at the door. they rush her inside and I run after them to follow. I get stopped by security.

'Sir you can go back there' they say.

'No you don't understand I need to follow them! That's my girlfriend!' I say trying to get passed their arms. They pick me up and take me to the waiting room. as they take me, I try kicking and pushing my way out but they're too strong. I finally give up and sit in the corner with my head in my hands and my knees up to my chest. I sit there for a few minutes and just sob. I cant lose her. I just cant. she's my whole world. I cant believe this happened. I wasn't there to help her. I cant believe this...

I feel someone tap my shoulder. I bolt my head up and see a nurse. I look around and don't see anyone else in the waiting room. its just the two of us. I must have fallen asleep. I look up at the nurse.

'Are you here with the girl that cut herself?' the nurse asks.

'U-um, yeah. I am.' I choke out. I hated hearing that. She cut herself. She hurt herself. My beautiful baby girl. 'How is she? Is she ok? Please tell me she's ok.' I beg the nurse.

'I'm sorry sir, We did everything we could. She didn't make it.' the nurse says. I sit there stunned. She's gone? The love of my life is gone...?

'Would you like to say goodbye? We can talk about what to do next when you're finished.' She says. I nod. We slowly walk to the room. We stop in front of her door. I take a deep breath and prepare to see my princess for the last time.