My Ocean (GirlxGirl)

Helplessly - Tatiana Manaois

It's not that easy with you here,
But I know I want you to stay.
See this could be us in a few years,
But just admit you like to play.

So the reunion is in two days. I texted you if you were still coming, to which you answered that, yes, of course you're still coming. I then told you I'm excited to see you again. No response.

I knew it was risky to send you that but I did it anyway. There's no point in hiding my feelings when I plan on telling you in two days anyway right? It's not going to change the outcome either, but I figured it could give me some kind of indication of what I can expect this weekend. Well, I think it's pretty clear, right?

You might still respond later, because it's nothing out of the ordinary that you ignore texts for a while, but somehow I feel pretty sure that this time you're not going to answer at all.

It's like everyday,
I'm kicking rocks.
I could fly away,
But you got me at a complete stop.
How do you manage to keep me going,
But somehow you keep me from going?

Honestly, I feel okay. Better than I thought I'd feel. I don't really feel sad, or down. There's no anger or frustration. I'm not even hurt, surprisingly. I guess it just feels like a confirmation of what had been coming for me all along, I think? It's kind of a relief really. Not that I'm immediately over you, don't get me wrong because I know for a hundred percent that if you reach out to me in some way, I'll be back to messy square one. And maybe it just hasn't hit me yet, and I'll be tumbling down from this relative high a few hours from now. We'll see. For now I'll just keep going.

See you distract me,
But I'm distracted without you.
I don't know how to focus,
Baby, teach me how to.
'Cause I'm standing still again.

I still think about you, all the time. I went to college today, starting the day with a lecture. Usually, I leave with about six pages of notes. Today I wrote two. And it wasn't because it was too easy or I already knew everything, because it was about neurobiology and who the hell really understands that? No one does. The next class, about arthritis of the knee. Again, zero focus.

Now I'm running late,
And I'm not a coffee drinker,
But I lost sleep just thinking of you.
So pour me a cup,
I need to wake up,
I need me some love,
So give it to me.

I haven't been sleeping since weeks, even though I'm tired all the time. You keep me up at night, you haunt my dreams and when I wake up you're the first thing I think about. In the past two weeks I think I slept through the night maybe four times without waking up. It's not all you though, there's other stuff too that makes me this restless, but you sure as hell aren't helping.

You're not helping me, babe.
But I fall helplessly for you.