My Ocean (GirlxGirl)

Waves - Dean Lewis

There is a swelling storm,
And I'm caught up in the middle of it all.
And it takes control,
Of the person that I thought I was,
The one I used to know.

So the reunion was this weekend and I'm so fucking confused right now. I had hoped this weekend would bring me some clarity, and it first I thought it did, but now I have no idea what's going on anymore. I don't even know where to start.

Saturday afternoon, 3 p.m.
I arrive at the beach, find a couple of my friends there and sit down with them, having a chat and catching up. I know you won't arrive before at least 8 p.m. so at this point I'm just enjoying myself, relaxing, drinking a bit and just having fun. At 6 there will be a barbecue at the beach, and at 10 the party starts at the hostel where we will be sleeping.

Fast forward to about 10 p.m. because otherwise this story is going to be way too long. We're arrive at the party and at this point I'm already pretty drunk. We're literally there for like 5 minutes when one of my friends comes up to me (who knows how I feel about you) telling me you're not coming anymore because you aren't feeling well. Oh shit.

It's also kind of a relief though, because I've been having so much fun, and now I can just keep on feeling good. But it also sucks because I really wanted to see you and talk to you.

I'm also worried about you, because it's just not you to not show up, you love these kind of things. So that makes me think there must be something wrong. I text you if you're okay, but I'm actually pretty certain you're not going to answer since you didn't feel the need to let me know you weren't coming, I had to hear that from someone else, and besides from that, you never responded to my "I'm excited to see you", which is another pretty strong confirmation if you ask me.

When I check my phone later and see that you've read the message, but didn't send anything back it feels definite. It's done. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's the chill and amazing vibe surrounding me here, but for some reason, I don't really care that much. I shake it off and keep on dancing.

But there
Is a light
In the dark
And I feel it's warmth.
In my hands,
In my heart,
Why can't I hold on?

I'm walking past a booth where 4 people are sitting, and I realize I recognize one of them. It's a girl I met on a survival weekend a couple months ago and she smiles at me when I walk past her table. You see, I kind of had the feeling there was something between us during that weekend, but at the time I had a boyfriend, so nothing really happened besides a tiny bit of flirting.

Anyway, I bump into her a couple minutes later, her hands filled with drinks for her friends. I talk to her for a little bit and then tell her I'll have a drink with her later before going back to my friends. At this point I've completely forgotten about you.

I'm dancing with my friends when she comes up to me. I tell her I went and got us drinks, but I couldn't find her anymore so I drank them both, explaining the two empty cups in my hand. She laughs, takes me by the hand and leads me to the bar, buying us some drinks. At first we're just talking about surfing, and school and stuff, but then she asks me if I'm still with my ex and I know where this is headed. We're dancing with each other, getting closer and closer until it's too hard not to give in anymore, and I kiss her, or she kisses me, I can't remember but it doesn't matter because it's bliss. We spend the entire night together, dancing and making out, completely lost in each other up until the point where my friend comes up to me telling me it's my own business but reminding me we're not alone here and there's people watching, making both me and her laugh.

I don't see her at breakfast Sunday morning, so I figure she's either already gone or still asleep. After breakfast I go back to the beach with some friends for a while and then I decide to go back home. We were already following each other on Instagram, so I'm contemplating messaging her, but I decide against it because I'm too tired to think clearly. I really like her and had a great time with her, but I don't know where things could go and it feels like a good idea to just remember this as something great. I know I'll see her again though, 'cause she is going to the same survival weekend as last year and so am I, so I figured if we just leave this on a good note, we'll be good then for sure. Besides, you're also back on my mind, and I'm just not suddenly over you now.

So that was my plan, but then I came home and it turned out that she sent me a DM. So now we're talking, and it's actually really nice and I'm feeling good about this.

It comes and goes in waves,
It always does.
It always does.
We watch as our young hearts fade,
Into the flood.
Into the flood.

Monday morning, I wake up at 6 a.m. and check my phone to see what time it is. There's 4 messages from you. You explain that you weren't feeling well, which is why you didn't come. Yeah, I knew that already. But it's the last message you sent that makes my heart stop for a second.

"But do you wanna hang out sometime soon?"

Oh my fucking god. I DON'T WANT ANOTHER FUCKING WAVE. I thought it was definite, right? I thought you were just going to let this fade into nothing and I was going to just get over you and move on, because what else can you do? But as I thought the storm was fading and the ocean was starting to calm down, you come around again, asking me this, starting yet another hurricane.