My Anxiety Is Silent (STARCO)

Chapter 1 - Its The Worst Feeling

Star P.O.V
Anxiety. Sounds like a simple word but it holds so much. It makes you overthink things, it pushes away people you love, and it makes you feel worthless. When something goes wrong it scares me and I get anxious. When someone gets hurt I get anxious. When I'm scared of anything, I get anxiety. If I really get scared I get anxiety attacks which aren't fun...at all.

I wasn't born with anxiety, it came to me at the age of 15. My life was great, I had no reason to freak out about anything and if I did I had my parents right there to comfort me. Everything changed though. My mother died of cancer and my father left me because he couldn't take care of me without a wife. Then as time passed I drifted from my friends and now...I'm here, at Echo Creek.

School is completely terrifying and I wish I didn't have to go there but I have to and that sucks. Everyone is mean and they all bully each other, pushing people to their limits. The teachers are complicated, some are nice and some are mean, you just need to get the right ones. Most of my teachers are mean and yell at me, and others, for no reason. Still...I get through it.

Some married couple adopted me, there names are Ryan and Lilly. They're both the devil and they never help me, they just make everything worse. Still I didn't have anxiety because I stayed hopeful and strong, until that one day, September 20th in 2015. I had just turned fifteen and I was super excited, sure my parents were awful but they cared enough to buy me something. Wasn't something I would wear but that's because they don't know me, nor do they care to know me. I got past that day but the next day was when everything turned dark and I suddenly knew, I had no one, absolutely no one to help me.

-September 20th 2015-
My legs were tucked up to my stomach as I looked outside. The moon shone down on me, reminding me of my mom, Moon. She was kind of strict but that's because she was doing the best she could. My father, River, he was always the one who spoiled me but had his borders of spoiling me.

Memories of my parents kept running through my head. A smile was placed on my face as I remembered them. Then I suddenly felt sad. I miss them more than anything or anyone and I wish they could come back, I love them so much. They helped me through the roughest times, always understood when I was sad or mad. They always knew how to cheer me up and always knew what to do when I was feeling down. I miss them so much.

No, you've been holding on for a year. Don't sink into sadness now, you can't!!

My mind started screaming at me and so I covered my head. The thoughts kept running and coursing through my brain and they never stopped. I couldn't help but break down into a million sobs. I've held everything in since they died and now...now I miss them so much it hurts.

You have no one. No one loves you and no one can save you.

Great job Star, you could've been happy if you just let this out a year ago! Now you don't have anyone to help you. You don't have anyone by your side to comfort you. How does it feel to be worthless? Your worthless Star Butterfly! You're so freaking worthless!!!

"STOP!!!!" The voices got too much and so I screamed. Everything went silent. It was silent for a minute until something clicked in my head.

I really don't have anyone...I'm all alone.

It hurt like crap. I knew I didn't have any friends or great parents but I got through each day knowing that something great will come. But now that I'm sobbing and missing my parents, I need someone and no one is there. No one at all.

Wait...you're all alone. What do I do by myself? How do I survive on my own? How can I help myself through this grief?!

Then I got scared. How was I going to grieve by myself? I started to panic and everything seemed to flip upside down. My body was shaking, I couldn't breathe, and I was overwhelmed with tears.

You're such an idiot for thinking everything was okay.

More thoughts, it never stopped that night. By the time my mind got softer I was on my bed crying myself to sleep. The last thought haunted me for life.

How am I ever going to survive this alone?

-Present-
I hear thoughts every day and that was only five days ago. The good thing is that I don't hear them during School hours. I'm too distracted with trying to remember everything that the teacher is teaching so no negative thoughts consume my mind. As soon as I get home though I start having anxiety. I start working on homework, I forget everything and my mind yells things at me and I end up just crying and not doing it. I have a lot of missing assignments and F's in my subjects but I can't talk to any of the teachers because they're mean to everyone so...they wouldn't help me.

I'm leaving for School now. I do the same thing everyday. Wake up, get dressed, barely eat, and walk out the door without a word. Then I get to School. Like every other day I walk to my locker, open it, get everything I need and then walk to class. Usually during classes I follow everything right and after that I go to my next class and then head home after School is done. Today was different though. I walked into my first class and sat down, everything was fine. The teacher was teaching and suddenly...

Why are you even listening? You never remember this stuff anyway.

Because I want to at least try to remember.

You shouldn't because you never will remember. You're so stupid at School and can't even remember a simple thing!

Stop...this never happens at School. So why now? Why ever? I mean...no one can remember this stuff, right? It's too complicated and hard.

You really think you're not the only one? Everyone understands this stuff, except you. You know why? Because you're stupid!

Just go away! Get out of my head, I need to listen. If I don't listen I will probably get in trouble for not paying attention so leave me alone.

Why does it matter if you get in trouble? No one cares about you anyway. You should just give up.

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!" No...I couldn't have screamed that out loud, right? I did...i really did. Everyone was now facing me with their eyes raised and eyes judging me. I could already hear people talking.

"She is psycho." "Who is she even talking to?" "Why does she look stressed?" Everyone was talking.

The teacher firmly looked at me and soon started approaching me. My heart picked up a few beats and I couldn't hold back the couple of tears that fell. As he slowly came up to my desk my mind started screaming. I really got myself into deep trouble, lucky me.

"Star...detention. Don't explain anything to me. Save it for the principal." The teacher said. Wow...that's a bit rude.

He isn't rude. You interrupted his class and now because of your stupidity we are probably going to be whispered about in the halls!!

"Yeah, okay." I slowly got up and left the classroom. I quickly walk to the principals office and sit down. Before anyone can speak to me I sob, right then and there. I don't care what people think of me or if anyone thinks Im crazy because I know I am crazy.

You are crazy. So crazy that no one cares about you. It's the worst feeling...and you're feeling it now.