AMACON 4: SERENDIPITOUS (30-Day Writing Challenge)

Counting Stars

AMACon 4: Serendipitous
English FF Day Twenty Seven: Finally, a light at the end of a tunnel.

I've always wondered what it's like to stargaze. Yeah I've looked up so many times to the sky to see the stars but I want to spend a night, just one night, to lie down on the grass, on the darkest night of the year, when all the stars are out and I would just lay there and watch them all twinkle and trace each to find the constellations.

I was looking for stars that night, while driving with my moon roof open, I looked up to see if there were stars. I've driven that road so many times before that I've always said I could drive on it with eyes closed. Turns out I could, but the asshat I unfortunately collided with that night could not. I remember the impact and the eery silence when I was plummeting down the cliff-- forward, then sideways. I was stuck on my seat, my belt tightly strapped on, and the airbags cradled my head. I felt the tumble of my Montero down the slope, and I can vividly imagine it like a scene from a movie.

Next thing I knew, I was enveloped in darkness. I thought I had died, or maybe I'd lost my sight because I felt and heard everything. All my senses worked, except I couldn't see anything. I talked and screamed and moved everything I could. People talked around me like I was not there. I heard all of them talking about me but I could not comprehend. All I did was yell at them for ignoring me. I became desperate and thought that I was a ghost who could not see. People would come and go and talk to me and I would talk back but nope, they couldn't hear me. They held my hand and kissed my cheek and forehead. When I finally realized that I couldn't actually talk, nor move, and this was just all my brain talking to myself, I panicked. For a second, I froze (or imagined that I did), then I heard all the terrible beeping sounds around me and then the room became loud and almost chaotic, and when someone yelled "clear," all hands disappeared, and suddenly I was inside a thunderstorm. I panicked more, so it happened again. I felt two cold metals on my chest, then I was in a thunderstorm again. When they did it a third time, I was already yelling at them from my head, but I knew then that they couldn't hear me. So I stopped resisting and just let them do whatever it was they're doing. Once I've relaxed, I heard a collective sigh from around me, as the sound of the beeping on the monitors seemed to go back to normal. I realized belatedly, when I heard a woman comforting another, that I was at a hospital and was just revived. I realized that that's what it felt like to be forced back to life. Only problem was, I never died.

After that day, I surrendered to darkness. It literally felt like living in darkness because even if I had constant visitors, I felt so alone. Lots of times I thought of just giving up but I couldn't figure out how. Eventually, I learned to cope. I embraced the darkness and soon enough, I learned to imagine being surrounded by stars, until it became my reality.

But somewhere along the road of waiting for my life to end or maybe begin again, I heard a voice that took me out of my loneliness with the stars. She only said six words-- "Hi, I'm Maine, your new nurse." She whispered them in my ear, like she somehow knew that I would hear her. She caressed my arm, or it felt like it, I didn't care. She said something that it won't hurt, like it was just going to feel like a mosquito bite. Then I felt the sting, but I still didn't care, because her scent bombarded my senses and in my mind, I wanted to bury my nose in her hair. I felt the heat of her fingertips on my arm as she did what she came to do. "There, all done. Ikaw na ang pinakamabait kong pasyente na hindi nagrereklamo habang kinukuhanan ng dugo! Hahaha joke lang, sorry I had to do that for your new tests. Sige Mr. Tisoy, balikan na lang kita later to check on you." After that day, all I looked forward to were her visits.

Everyday she'd come to my bedside and check on me. She would tell me random stories about her other patients. One time, she ranted about being late because of traffic. Another time she talked about not knowing what to eat for lunch and even asked me if I'd prefer tuna or ham sandwich. "Tuna it is," she said, like she read my mind. She giggled a little, then squeezed my arm lightly. "Sana pag gising mo, maalala mong ako ang kumakausap sa'yo lagi dito." She said it with softness that'd probably made me cry if I could, but all I could do was imagine her in my arms, assuring her that everything would be alright. She became my goal. I suddenly felt like I was back in my car, with my moon roof open, but the stars nowhere in sight. This time, I was driving through a very long tunnel, with no real direction nor destination. But she came all of a sudden and became the light at the end of the path I was on. She became the only destination I wanted to reach. All of a sudden, I felt a huge yearning to wake up.

"Hi, Richard. You look better today than yesterday. Kumusta na ang pakiramdam mo?"

That day started great. My sister visited me that day, with a happiness in her voice that one can only attribute to being in love. It was great to hear my sister happy again, after all the tears I've heard and felt her cry ever since I got stuck in this hospital bed. Then my favorite nurse came to visit me.

Okay na okay ako... kasi andyan ka na. Sana mas matagal ka magstay today...

"Sorry hindi kita masyado makukwentuhan today. Pero your sister looked good. Mukhang masaya sya, iba yung saya nya eh. Parang ang liwanag ng aura nya. Siguro one of these days, sasabihin nya rin sayo kung bakit."

Inlababo kasi yun kaya ganun. Pero tayo na lang ang pag-usapan natin.

I heard the sound of the chair scraping the floor, I knew she stood up and about to leave.

Wait, aalis ka na? Wala pang five minutes man lang o?

"Sige, alis na ko ha. Dami ko kasing patients na iikutan. I promise I'll stop by later after my shift. And if wala kang visitors, then I can stay with you until mag end yung visiting hours.

Okay. Promise yan ah.

I heard her step out and the door clicked close.

Haaay. Ano na, self? Me, myself, and I na naman tayo dito? Ano, pa KSP tayo ulit? Tagal na since the last time eh. Game?

I did that trick of holding my breath to make the monitors go crazy and set off my alarm. Suddenly, she was back and was panting like she just ran a marathon or something. But there was something different in the way she moved and breathed next to me. Like she was holding it, or choking.

Wait, umiiyak ka ba?

"Ikaw! Wag ka namang nananakot nang ganon. Magpaparamdam ka naman muna kung mawawala ka na para makapagpaalam ako nang maayos!"

I suddenly felt guilty because she was obviously upset and crying. I felt so stupid for doing that to her. I honestly didn't know that it was going to upset her that much because I tricked them so many times already before.

Hala. Sorry na... teka, tumahan ka na.

"Ang daya mo. Gusto ko nang maglupasay dito tapos ikaw, ang kalma mo. Yan ano yan, ngumingiti ka ba? Pano kong tatahan eh tinatakot mo ko! Wag ganon! Kapag inulit mo pa yan, di na kita babalikan dito!"

She was really upset and I couldn't do anything about it but to calm down and will my monitors to go back to normal.

Sorry. Okay, di ko na uulitin. Gusto lang naman kita makita ulit. Di ko naman alam na iiyak ka nang ganyan.

"I promised I'd come back later, diba? Please wait for me mamaya. Mag-uusap tayo. I have something to tell you. Please. I'm not ready to let go of you yet. So please wait for me, okay?"

I felt her soft warm hand on my arm. Very brief, but it gave me tingles that reached my soul. Then I heard her retreating footsteps and she was gone again.

Okay. I thought. I'd wait for her. Her last words played over and over in my head. I'm not ready to let go of you yet. I wondered what that even meant. It's not like I was leaving her. I mentally slapped myself for playing with my monitors and ultimately upsetting her, and promised myself I'd never do it again.

Originally published in "Tapunan Ng Feelings" on January 29, 2017.)