Surviving Love

Full Spectrum

I hadn't moved since Maci left. Turns out it wasn't a dream. She kissed me. I was still leaning against the counter, my arms folded across my chest, staring at the front door when Jake found me.

"What are you doing?" He asked, closing the door behind him.

I watched as he unlaced his boots, tiny pieces of saw dust fell from them and landed on the floor.

"I don't know." I said.

I shook my head, trying to clear the fog that was falling over me. I was surprisingly numb. Jake looked up at me, his eyebrows pinched together.

"How do you not know?" He asked.

I ran my hand through my hair, shoving myself off the counter.

"Shit." I muttered.

And there it was. Panic started to bubble up inside me.

"You don't make sense." Jake said.

He slipped his feet from his boots. Even more saw dust fell on the floor. It was like a halo around his feet. I'd have to sweep it up later, God knows he wouldn't.

"Shit, shit, shit." I paced the kitchen floor.

What just happened? Why did she kiss me? Why did I let her?

"You said that already." Jake told me.

"Oh God." I ran my hands over my face. "I have to tell Anna."

If I was Anna I'd be less than thrilled if she let her ex boyfriend kiss her. I mean I wasn't the jealous type but it didn't mean I was alright with my girlfriend kissing other people. Especially when those other people used to be their better half.

"Tell Anna what?"

I could feel anxiety rocket through my body. How was I going to tell her? What if this was the thing that made her react? What if I lost her?

"She kissed me." I said.

"Anna kissed you?" Jake asked. "Isn't she supposed to be kissing you? I mean I think that's how that stuff works."

I didn't even hear the front door open. I just paced back and forth across the floor of the kitchen, my mind racing.

"Oh good you're home, what's wrong with him?" Jake asked Skylar.

"What?" Skylar asked.

I felt a little sick. Maybe I should call Maci. But what would I even say?

"Jared?" Skylar called. "What happened?"

"He said 'I gotta tell Anna' and 'shit' and when I got here he was just staring into space." I heard Jake say.

I pushed my palm into my chest, trying to dull the pain that had taken up residence in my chest. I could feel my heart slam against my hand. A drink. That's what I needed. A drink would take the edge off. Maybe. I started for the liquor cabinet, my fingers pounding in the code.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Skylar yelled. "Not so fast."

Just as I yanked the door open, it slammed thanks to Skylar's hand. I still needed that drink.

"So how's Maci's? What'd she do?" He asked.

"Oh." Jake muttered from the background. "Shit."

"Shit what?" Skylar asked.

I was back on my feet, rummaging through where I used to keep the liquor before Jake moved in.

"There isn't anything in there so stop looking." Skylar barked at me. "Shit what Jake?!"

"I think Maci kissed him."

"Damn it." Skylar muttered. "Jared sit, Jake go do something."

"I need something to drink." I said, still searching for a long lost bottle of anything.

"No you don't." Skylar put his hand on my shoulder. I stopped searching. "What'd she do? Just stop by?"

I nodded. It was like a pinprick. At first it didn't feel like much. But the further I got from the kiss the more everything hurt. I wanted to kiss her again. I wanted to feel the goosebumps go dancing across my skin at the slightest touch of her hand. I wanted to count the gold flecks in her eyes and feel her long slender fingers trace lines across my chest. I wanted to her hold in my arms and run my fingers through her hair. I wanted us.

I braced my arms against the counter, the amount of pressure in my chest building as I thought about how Maci and I weren't an us. How she left me. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to force the pain and memories back.

"Shit!" I yelled.

Anger boiled inside me so fast I never saw it coming. I slammed my fists down hard on the counter. The stone didn't yield to my flesh, I felt stinging pain shoot like electricity through my bones.

"Why can't she just leave me the fuck alone?" I muttered.

I stood there my head hanging, my arms still braced against the counter top. My hands were aching, my chest heaving from pain. Why did it all have to hurt so much?

"Because she's not thinking of you." Skylar said after a minute. "She stopped doing that a while ago."

And that was where it hurt the most. Skylar was right. Maci wasn't a selfish person. But she always did what she thought was best for her. I couldn't blame her. I wanted to be able to do that too. But that's where Maci and I were complete opposites. She learned to live her life for herself. I had learned to live my life for her. And then she left. And I just lived.

I straightened myself up, taking a deep breath. I was pretty certain the gaping whole in my heart was gushing blood all over my chest cavity but I was still standing. Maybe I didn't know what in the hell I was doing. Or what I wanted. But I was standing. So there was that.

"You good man?" Skylar asked.

I laughed, a sad smile on my face. "Yeah."

"I bet Anna will understand." He reassured.

I nodded.

"Alright then." Skylar put his hand on my shoulder. "You should call Anna." I nodded again. "I'm gonna go to my room."

His voice was hesitant as he took a couple steps in the direction of the stairs. I knew he thought as soon as he turned his back I'd be working my way to the bottom of a bottle of whiskey. But he was right. I didn't need it. Drinking myself silly wasn't going to fix the confusion or the pain.

"She said she's staying in town." I told him.

"What are you going to do?" He asked.

I shrugged. What could I do? I couldn't avoid her, she'd find me if she wanted to. And I wasn't entirely sure if I wanted her to stay away yet.

"Call Anna."