Laura Marano and Ross Lynch had a child?!

Chapter Eighteen

-One Month Skipped -

Ella's POV 

"You realize that you have been studying since you got home. Like I truly believe your head is going to explode from all that knowledge," Ryland pops his head through my door and voices his opinion. I growled in response and he quickly left me alone. 

He is right though, lately I have been studying like crazy and I do think that my head will explode. I hate when he is right. 

With going to school during the first term, and been away from school for a while, and all the hectic that has happened, it has put me behind. I always felt so stupid asking questions in class, because everyone would peer at me and give me glares. For simply asking a question. 

So I worked. And I worked. And I worked even harder.  Although it was nothing new really. 

See, I'm not a naturally smart person. But that's where my persistence kicks in. I'm hard working and quite determined. That's how I have almost always had all A's. 

I took over the glasses that I had recently gotten prescribed to me, we found out that I have pretttyyy bad vision. So on good days, I wear contacts. On other days, I wear glasses. 

I organized all of my papers and books, placing them neatly on my desk and re-making my bed because I messed it up while I was doing my homework. I picked up my room a bit, making everything organized and nice. 

It was nice, finally having my room restored. It wasn't filthy, just not the way I like it. But it was now. 

I slid on my slippers and headed downstairs. Two weeks or so, the house got so quiet because the band had to gigs and Laura had guest appearances on shows. And while I was with Kian, Stormy and Mark had moved away to a smaller home close by.

I was trusted on my own as long as I checked in with anyone in the morning, afternoon, and night. I would go to Stormy's or Kian's or just be home.

But although I always loved the quiet, it was saddening after a while. O2L had gone their seperate ways and Stormy and Mark went on a vacation. After a while, I felt so lonely. I felt alone. 

I got over it quickly, but the feeling still lingered. Loneliness. It reminded me of life without everyone, when it wasn't easy. But I promised myself to never burdened it with anyone, so I never spoke of it again. Not even through an almost silent whisper. 

"Laura? Ross? Rydel? Ryland?" I call out almost everyone's name but no response. I guess they just probably went to the store or to dinner. 

I sat down on the stairs and just let my mind wonder. I have just been feeling really off lately. I mean everything is going great. Family is great, amazing friends, I'm living so much better than before.

 But I have this little voice in my head telling me that it's not gonna last. And a little part of me believes it. I'm so used to being alone, so used to having to fend for myself. I'm too familiar with being betrayed and left behind. 

I was so used to running away from everything, everyone. Ruining my own happiness before anyone else could.

To quote Hazel Grace from the Fault in Our Stars, I am a grenade. And when things are going good for me, I explode.

 Because ever since the fire, my life has never been normal. I wasn't normal, nothing was ever the same no matter how hard I wished it. I could never be the same. 

And God, how much I wished I could change. How much I wish I was a different person. 

I wish I could make my late parents proud, they may have not been my biological parents. But they loved me, loved me through everything. Loved me like their own. 

And I wish that I could make Laura and Ross proud, I wish that I could make them all proud. I feel like such a disappointment. I felt it my whole life but I always shoved the insecurity down. 

And even my biological parents, even my blood mother, Kian's mom, she is distance with me. I was a mistake that she had when Kian's father and her were on a break. And she can't even find my father because she never wanted to see him again.  

I don't know where I can from. I don't know what is true and not true. Who am I? What am I? 

Because I feel lost, I feel so gosh damn lost. I don't know what to do or feel. I wish I could be the perfect daughter, the perfect niece, granddaughter, friend, student. I wish that I could be perfect. 

But I will never be, I will never be perfect. 

I'm too messed up to be. I'm too scarred to be. I am too much to deal with or handle. I don't know why Laura and Ross took me in, why they didn't just call the cops or put me in foster care. 

I wonder if they love me, if they really do love me. To be honest, I'm just waiting for the day that they just want me gone. Just waiting for the day that they see that I'm not their blood and they just don't want me anymore. 

Nobody really wants me. 

Nobody ever really loves me. 

i feel so lonely now.

I pull my knees up to my chest and I wrap my arms around them and I feel hot tears streaming down my face. I feel so weak. So vulnerable. 

I have so many doubts and insecurities and worries and I'm scared. I'm scared that I will be too much and that they will see that 

I'm scared I won't be good enough for them. 

I'm so scared. 

I run up the stairs, but maybe too fast. 

My foot missed a step and I feel myself falling back. I yelp in pain and feel a sharp pain in my foot and head. 

Maybe the thoughts will finally just rest tonight. was my last thought before darkness covered my sight. 

_______________

Ah, it's good to be back. This chapter is something else, something new kind of. It exposes Ella's mind and heart kind of. Shows the inner side of her, behind the walls of it all. And kind of leaves you on a cliffhanger, whoops XD. Thank you guys for everything, your love and support. This chapter is for you guys. I love you all. I will see you guys next Monday.

BYYEEEE

- The awkardburrito