The Son of a Preacher

Chapter twenty-three: Losing loved ones

Caleb, 1986,Huntsville, Alabama 

I never knew something could hurt so bad. It feels likes a hole has been ripped in my chest and someone decided it would be funny to torture my heart. Two weeks ago, I went out and found him. I should of known something was wrong. Out nowhere he wanted me in that way again. He had told me he loved me, when we were supposed to be taking things slow. I know he had problems with family but I thought I was enough to keep him here. A part of me hates him for leaving me behind, another part blames myself. I should have protected him, it was my job to protect him. 

I look in my rear view mirror one last time, at my black suit and dark under eyes. Then, after taking a deep breath, I force myself out of the car.  Clutching his locket, the locket I gave him in my fist, I walk to the graveyard. To one of the cheapest plots, his family could afford. His daddy's side paid for it, that's mainly who was here family. He didn't have many friends besides me and Greg. Plus, his family said only close friends and family only. I'm glad for that because I honestly don't think I could hand seeing the kids at my school right now. I had missed the church ceremony, where they spewed a bunch of bull shit stories, about how they knew him. 

I can't really talk though,I thought I knew him but obviously I didn't. I stand there as they put him in the ground, then each take turns placing a flower on his coffin.  When it's my turn I put a Lily, his favorite flower on top. I don't start to lose  it until they start to lower in him the ground. As I watch them lower him more and more in the ground. I lose another piece of myself, the person who gave me the best years of my life, is gone. I stand there until everyone leaves, a few family members inviting me to their get together. I never understood that, why have get together's after someone died. It was just depressing, people just gossiped and ate food. Someone always had a mental breakdown. 

Startled when I feel another hand on my shoulder, I look up to see Lucas's mother. She has this blank stare in her eyes. She does look like she has been crying, so maybe she isn't completely brain dead. 

" I lost my baby." She whispers with that dead stare of hers. 

" I know, I'm so sorry." I whisper,holding back tears. 

" My baby, my baby." She whispers again and again. 

I just stare at her face, seeing so much of Lucas in her. Despite most of it being ruined by meth, her eyes still resemble his so much. It's so painful just looking at her, I feel the memories crawling back up. I push them back though and try to be strong. Just when I'm about to calm her down, someone comes over a family of some kind. They mouth the words sorry, as they drag her the other way. At least someone will be there to watch Lucas's family. 

Finally alone, I turn to his grave and kneel down beside it. I trace the head stone and take a deep breath, opening the locket clutched in my hand. Thinking of that unopened letter, that may never be opened. Seeing that picture of us, that day comes rushing back to me.

I remember waking up, happy from the night before. Then confused, when the boy I love is no where to be found. The fear, I felt when I found the letter and the locket. I remember running, hoping I wasn't too late. Of course, as always my hopes were smashed. After that all I remember is screams, dragging even though it was too late and wetness. So much wetness, then after that everything is fuzzy. I'm pretty sure, I dragged him away from there. Even in death, I knew he would want our club house a secret. Another part of me, even though it was too late. Was hoping I could still protect him, but no I couldn't even protect myself. So how could I ever protect him?

" I'm sorry, that I couldn't protect you." I whisper softly.

" Whatever it was, that you were going through, I should of kept you safe from it." I whisper feeling tears start to fall slowly. 

" I failed you, my little country boy."  The tears starting to fall faster now. 

" For that I'll never forgive myself." I say now full sobbing. 

I jump up startled at the feeling of someone watching me. When I turn around, I'm surprised to see Greg. He watches me with unshed tears in his eyes. There's another look in his eyes but I can't quite place it. The hatred, I usually have for him is diminished by the hole in my heart. We just stare blankly at one another until he decides to speak. 

" I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt." He says not looking me in the eyes. 

" It's fine, I was just finishing up anyways." I whisper my voice hoarse. I must of been sobbing louder, than I thought. I get up slowly and as I do, I notice the Lilies in Greg's hand. I didn't know they were close enough for him to know his favorite flower. I shake my head, now isn't time for jealousy.  Greg's hurting just as much as you are.  He lost a friend and someone he had feelings for. For once, don't be selfish prick. 

As I walk away with the locket in hand, I can't help but look back at Greg. I see him hunched before the grave, sobbing and repeating the same words over and over again. I walk away and get into my car, forcing my tears down. No, crying until you are alone or at least that's what I keep telling myself. I drive home, swerving a little once or twice. When I finally get home, I see my father is home. Probably from another night of binge drinking. Hopefully, he's in a charitable mood because I'm sure as fuck not. If I hear even one ounce of bullshit out of his mouth, I'll snap.

I walk inside, hoping to avoid him but just my luck he's right inside the doorway. Waiting with that menacing smile of his, making me wonder yet again how he became a preacher. I usually can keep my cool around him, having learned the best reaction is none. This time though, I can't help but clench my fists a little. 

" Where were you, boy?" He asks slurring his words.

" None of your business." I mouth off,sounding way too much like my older sister. 

" I see, you're just like your sister, big mouth and all" He grins like a snake who just found his prey. 

" I rather be like her, then be like you!' I snap not caring about the consequences. 

" What, you rather be like a girl!" He yells stumbling forward.

When I don't answer, he gets real red faced and starts yelling again.

" You better not be going back to your homo ways, I thought we fixed you!" He yells pushing me hard against the wall. 

" What if I am, moving here obliviously didn't help." I whisper lowly in his ear. 

" I knew it, it's that waste of space Lucas, isn't it?!" He yells pushing me back harder, until he's almost choking me. 

" Don't, you fucking talk about him like that!" I snap pushing back. 

This only makes him mad, he comes back at me full force. Kicking me and telling me how he'll fix me this time. This is a repeated process, until he gets bored and decides to go pass out on the couch. I drag myself up the stairs, ignoring the pain in my ribs. I was used to it by now. It would be nice to have my little male nurse, to heal them up. My bad he was a doctor last time, I had promoted him. I feel the tears come again and I let them out in full force. All alone, knowing my mother was out shopping her pain away , my father was drinking away his. My sister the only person, who might care. Was away doing some hippy,protest group work. The only other person who ever cared, was gone. He was gone and it hurt like hell.