Heal // z.m

five | reliving & tears

Rose

"So how did you like your first day?" Caroline pulled out two chairs for us to sit on, I chose the green one.

Reliving the day in my mind, I thought about everything I had seen and heard today. "It was different, especially because I didn't.. you know, signed up for this function in the first place but, uhm. It was fine. A lot of information I have to process." I smiled, carefully. I was really tired from all the nerves, new people, new ways of working and information about everything, but satisfied.

Caroline nodded her head, "Yeah, darling. You might either sleep well tonight, or not at all. I know the feeling. My first week here was terrible. I didn't know how to cope with those precious sick children. I hated to see it, but you somehow get 'used' to it." She spoke sweetly, her warm hand on top of mine.

Caroline was such an amazing nurse and woman, and I was grateful for the fact that she was my mentor. She was really humble, funny, and made sure I understood everything before moving on to the next topic, room or object.

"Yeah, it is quite difficult at times." I said quietly as I stared down at my lap. Images from today made their way back into my mind.

This afternoon, Caroline and I had visited a child. I think she was only about three years old. The little girl was attached to a thousand of tubes and machines and they told me she wasn't breathing on her own anymore, she was done fighting and ready to go.

Tears had fallen down my cheeks once Caroline had spoken these words. I just couldn't stay strong at that point, it almost made me angry. This young, little and innocent girl, already having to give up her life because she got a sickness for no deserved reason. It made me so extremely mad, it was just so unfair.

"I can imagine, Rose. But how about the older patients?" Caroline dragged me out of my thoughts. "The ones from your age, or the even older adults? Is it less hard?" She wondered.

Thinking about it for a while, I shrugged slowly. "I don't ever like seeing sick people. It gives me mixed feelings. But like.."

My thoughts went back to Zayn, the patient I had met earlier today. He still had a full mop of black hair on top of his head, and his hazel eyes, that were surrounded by thick and long eyelashes, were still so bright. I'd almost say he looked healthy, with the rosy blushes on his cheeks, paleness still far away from him and his coffee colored skin. His deep, but soft voice had sounded mature, the northern accent standing out and making me think he wasn't from around London.

Now, I'm not saying he attracted me, I just wasn't that type of girl to be flustered by boys easily and I knew it wasn't possible because he was my patient. No one could ever allow us to have something together.

He just caught my attention because he was one of the less to still have hair and look healthy around there, and not to forget- his positive attitude with added humor.

When I looked up I noticed that Caroline was still waiting for me to speak up further. "Uhm, I mean, the guy with the black hair.. he didn't look so sick so I felt myself talking to him more easily than the other patients. It's not like I'm afraid of the other ones.. it's just, I don't know. I'm scared to say something wrong to them." I said honestly.

"You don't have to be scared to say something wrong. They're just humans like us. They're sick, yes, but there are no wrong things to say or ask. They're all very open and if they don't like talking about it, they will tell you that. Don't worry about it, okay?" She assured me, making me feel better.

"I'm very happy that you took the chance to see how this department works, Rose. You're very positive in my eyes and that's what they all need here. Some positivity." Caroline smiled warmly at me, making me feel a bit shy.