Heal // z.m

twenty four | fainting & nausea

Zayn

Chemotherapy cure number two. Two sessions were done in one week and the misery started to begin again. The nausea was disturbing my sleep, my meals and it was also effecting my mood. I couldn't do anything else than sitting on the toilet with the same old, white bowl full of my vomit.

I was shivering and shaking while my back was leaned against the wall behind me. I was even too tired to sit up straight on the toilet. Everything was sore down there and I felt too weak to throw up but I still had to as my body was pushing me to do so, making me feel exhausted.

My eyes were half closed as I was almost falling asleep, but once I could fully give over to slumber- the strong feeling of nausea came up again, making me feel as if I had to retch. I forced myself to sit up straight, the vomit leaving my mouth right after.

The muscles in my stomach were aching because of the strength they used while pushing everything back up, out of my mouth and into the bowl all the time, but I couldn't stop it.

I just wanted it to stop, I just wanted to sleep. I didn't get sleep at all last night because I had to throw up every single hour. My own body couldn't give me the rest I needed and I was exhausted.

Someone knocked on the toilet door, "Are you alright, Zayn?" Caroline questioned, concern laced in her soft voice.

"Mhm." I mumbled, not being able to speak proper words as I was scared I'd throw up right away. And as I didn't want to be stuck in here all day, I finished my things on the toilet, pulled up my pants, emptied the bowl in the toilet and flushed.

My shaky legs, somehow, managed to keep me up, though, I wondered how I would be able to make it back to my room. Once I had opened the door, Caroline was standing there much to my relief, and helped me get back to my bed safely.

"Do you want anything to eat?" Caroline asked me as she let go of my arm, sitting me down on the bed and giving me a blanket.

I slowly wrapped the blanket around myself and shook my head. "I want painkillers." I managed to bring out, my voice not cracking much to my relief.

My stomach was hurting awfully much because of the constant pressure the tumor was giving my body. It made me want to cry out in misery, but I didn't do it and pushed my mind to think of something else instead, so I wouldn't be focusing on the pain.

Caroline sat down beside me and wrapped the blanket more around my back so I was feeling warm. "You can't get them if you don't eat something Zayn.. it's counterproductive."

Sighing sadly, I pressed my palms to my eyes and rubbed them. "Can I take a shower? I might feel better after that."

"Yeah, that's alright. Do you want me to help you?" Caroline suggested.

I shook my head. "No. I'll be fine." It wasn't like I was ashamed of it, because I wasn't at all. Of course, I'd always rather do it myself, but Caroline had seen me without any clothes on more than once as she had washed me on the bed when I had a high fever, she helped me urinate and helped me with defecation. She had seen, but I liked to do the things I was still capable of myself.

"Just call my name when you need me then, okay?" She commented, softly touching my arm for a brief moment.

I nodded and let the blanket fall off me when I slowly stood up. Goosebumps appeared on my skin right away but I tried to ignore it and just keep on walking. When I arrived at my own small bathroom I shoved the curtain- which was a replacement for a door- closed and started undressing myself.

I unbuttoned my pajama blouse and removed the knot in the small strings of my sweatpants- waistband. Pushing them down, I stared at the spot my heavy belly ache was coming from. It was still swollen and I felt like it had become even bigger, but I wasn't sure about it.