Heal // z.m

43 | radiation & devastating news

Zayn

"So I can't even hug my mum?" I asked with a frown on my face, pulling a sweater over my head and adjusting my green beanie after that.

Caroline shook her head, giving me a sympathetic smile. "You can't be near them for a while, Zayn. That means no hugs, kisses or whatsoever. You can see her, but only at distance."

Staying still, I couldn't help but let a sigh escape from my lips, suddenly feeling nervous in a way. "Then what about you? Who's going to feed me? I mean.. I can do it myself maybe, but still. Who's going to take care of me?"

"I will take care of you still, of course. I'll only have to wear a face mask and stuff like that. Don't worry about it so much, sweetheart. You'll be fine, trust me." Caroline briefly rested her hand upon my shoulder, making me sigh again, the many emotions suddenly engulfing me.

"Okay." The nervous feeling became stronger, realising I would get the radiation today. It wasn't necessarily the action itself- but what would come after that. I didn't feel like getting as sick as I would after chemotherapy.

Also about the fact that I couldn't be around people for a while- something I loved when I wasn't feeling too sick. I enjoyed the presence of people, I enjoyed talking. I guess it would only be with Caroline for the next following days. I knew I had to go through this if I wanted to get better.

I sat down on my bed and waited as Caroline attached my tube to the machine and gave me my food. I was used to the tube feeding, but I still wished that it could go out one day and that I could eat some proper meals again. Tasting food was suddenly a luxury to me, which was quite a thing if you thought about it.

"Did Rose like your presents?" Caroline asked out of nowhere, her eyes trained onto her hands as she performed the medical proceedings, making me chuckle at the fact that she always asked things so nonchalantly, as if they weren't a big deal, when clearly for me they were.

I started smiling at hearing her name, not even trying to hold it back this time. "I hope so.. she said she did. It looked good on her. She tried one of the sweatshirts on."

"That's good. I'm sure she loves it! She seems like the kind of girl who's thankful and happy with little things." Caroline smiled by herself and rinsed my tube with water, my eyes gazing on how it slid down into my nose, all the way down without actually feeling it.

"That she is." I mumbled out, watching Caroline how she attached the tube to my shirt. I followed her over to the door and thanked her as she held it open for me, the both of us walking out of the room.

I felt reluctant, knowing it was time for the radiation right now, but Caroline made me feel more at ease, her soft eyes calming me. Caroline guided me through the hallway towards the same room where my scans always were and I sighed deeply when we arrived, knowing I had to go through it- there was no way back.

It wasn't my favourite place to go, as I didn't really like the scans with those extremely loud noises and laying still for ages, but it was ten times worse now because of the radiation.

"Good morning, Zayn. I want to ask if you can undress yourself. I'll explain the other things when you're lying down on the table." The doctor spoke, retrieving medical things he, I figured, needed while preparing the radiation.

Nodding, I undressed myself until I was in just my underwear. Knowing the place of the tumor was on the right side, slightly below my belly button, trousers would simply be too high and couldn't be worn as the skin needed to be exposed.

Wanting to take off my beanie, Caroline stopped me before I actually did it. "You can keep it on, love. It won't harm." She attached my loose tube to my beanie, making me at least feel a little warmer as the loss of my clothes had hit my bare skin right away.