trigger warnings - mentions of suicide and self-harm
"You really didn't like him?"
Otto sighs. Awsten feels the couch dip as he sits down and slings an arm across his shoulders. "You want the truth?"
Awsten nods, lifting his legs to rest on the coffee table and turning his head into Otto's shoulder. Otto's not the best at going into situations with an open mind, but there usually is a reason for him to distrust someone. He's a good judge of character.
"He reminds me of your dad, Aws."
"What do you mean?" Otto squeezes his shoulders. He pulls his lip in with his teeth. His heart is starting to beat faster.
"I dunno," Otto says. "Just...the way he was so quick ta act like your blindness isn't that big a deal. While you were talking ta Geoff he was chewing me out for suffocating you. He thinks I'm keeping you from being independent."
"What the fuck?" Awsten lifts his head off Otto's shoulder and turns his head to face his general direction. He can almost see it; dark eyes, lowered head, hair falling in his face.
It's not the first time they've heard that. Over the years so many people have said Otto needs to let go of the reins, pull back a bit, stop being a mouthpiece for him. He may not be able to see but he can hear and think and make decisions for himself. Otto isn't his keeper.
No one realizes how many things are hard when you can't see because almost all the people giving them this wonderful "advice" have never experienced it. They think Otto is controlling and suffocating and overbearing but what they don't realize is that if it weren't for him, if it weren't for him handling conversations with the seeing parents of the blind kids he tutors and driving him to the library and taking him to the store and helping him pick out cute outfits and painting his nails and respecting the idea that his quality of life should not be just the bare minimum, Awsten has no idea where he'd be.
Otto turned his entire life upside-down to be there for him. There is no person on this planet that knows him as well as he does. He's been there through everything. He's seen him at his worst. He's the only person Awsten's ever been able to count on.
"S'okay," Otto says softly. "You know I don't give a shit what people think. Just...be careful around Jawn, okay? I'm not saying stop bein' his friend, but..."
"I know," Awsten replies. "You're amazing. Really, really amazing. I don't say it enough."
"Stop." He draws out the 'p', and Awsten grins. The picture in his head is clear; pink cheeks, ducked head, smile overwhelming his face. "So...whaddya think of that other guy? Geoff, right?"
"He was pretty cool, I guess." Awsten presses further into his lip. "Didn't get ta talk much though, thanks ta you."
"Aw, I'm sorry I interrupted your date."
"Fuck off."
"You looked real cozy..."
"I take it back," Awsten mutters, crossing his arms over his chest. "I fuckin' hate you."
"But seriously," Otto continues. "When he wasn't judging me hardcore, Jawn was saying how Geoff's havin' a hard time and he thought introducing him to you would help. The spotlight really hasn't been easy on him."
"What?"
"Fuck, Aws. Haven't you heard the headlines?"
"What headlines?"
Otto sighs again. Awsten feels him wrap his arm back around his shoulders. He pulls him against him. "He's in the news a lot. Always drunk or high. Tried to kill himself a few years ago. Been in and out of rehab. He's a mess, Aws. I think he's addicted."
"To what?"
"Destroying himself."
...
"I missed you so much... God, you have no idea..."
Geoff holds back a grimace as Chloe kisses his cheek and slides onto his lap. She brackets his hips with her thighs and presses her lips to his. He closes his eyes and tries, tries to kiss her back, but when she starts thrusting into his hips, he pushes her away.
She rests her hands on his shoulders and looks at him with narrow eyes. "What's wrong? Is everything okay?"
"Yeah," he mumbles. "Just...m'not really in the mood. Sorry. Tour was a lot. I just wanna sleep."
"Oh." She gets off him and smoothes out her skirt. "I'm so sorry, Gee. Didn't mean to pressure you or anything. How 'bout I go get changed and we can just cuddle and watch Netflix for the night?"
He rises to his feet and takes a step forward to pull her into a kiss. "Sounds amazing. Thank you. I know...you probably expected more from tonight. M'really sorry."
"You don't havta apologize." She smiles and rests a hand on his chest. "I can't imagine havin' your schedule. Seriously, it sounds like hell. I don't know how you do it. But Gee...I gotta ask, and please don't hate me for it, but...you're taking your meds, right?"
Geoff sighs. "Yeah. I am. You can ask Jawn if you don't believe me. He watched me take them every morning and night on tour."
She kisses him again. "I know we're annoying. It's because we care. We love you. You...we don't want you slipping again." She rushes off to her room to change and Geoff slumps back onto the couch.
The hardest part about being famous is having people know about you. Having your best moments publicized is great, but having your worst mental breakdowns and every terrible day out in the open for everyone to see is terrifying. Every move, every action, everything you do is eaten up by the media and twisted to make you look bad and there's not a lot that can be done about it.
It was something he had to get used to.
He shrugs out of his denim jacket and flips his wrist over, tracing his fingers across the thick white scar travelling the length of his forearm. The new cuts overlap it, breaking the scar up into chunks. He can't run his hands down his wrist and expect smooth skin anymore. It's jagged and messy, spiderwebbed from the criss-crossing of cuts.
It was the worst right after. Cameras in his face and constant questions about it in interviews; fans would ask about it during meet and greets and Q&As, random people would come up to him on the street and demand to see it, demand "proof" it actually happened and he wasn't just some shitty attention whore rockstar.
'Geoff Wigington enters rehab once again...'
'Will it work this time? Geoff Wigington gives rehab a third try'
'Geoff Wigington found half dead in studio apartment...'
'Geoff Wigington, on the road to destruction. Who can save him now?'
Being famous has taught him a lot but one thing has stuck out in his mind.
When he's writing catchy songs and releasing album after album and touring like a madman and doing interviews and meeting fans and doing promo, everyone loves him. When he's a senseless robot living his life in greys, functioning on autopilot, barely making it through the day, everyone loves him.
But when he falls or breaks or admits that he needs help, that he can't handle everything on his own, that he's tired of living in achromics, he's an inconvenience and fodder for news articles and a reason to stress, and everyone hates him.
Being famous has taught him a lot.
He's not a person; he's a problem.
please comment, guys. it really does help. if you're enjoying, let me know! thank you for reading!
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dichotomy ; gawsten
Fanfiction"He had everything, but felt nothing. He had nothing, but felt everything." geoff is in a famous band. awsten is from a small town in the middle of nowhere. they couldn't be more different. maybe that's for the best.
