i have been staring at my laptop for almost forty five minutes with this done, tweaking it and changing it and picking it apart. this is such an important chapter. it needed to be perfect.
i think it finally is.
mild trigger warning for anxiety.
It's just a conversation.
She hates you.
Just tell her the truth.
She's going to leave you.
Everything's gonna be fine.
You're gonna die alone because she's leaving and Awsten's next and Jawn's already half fed-up you are so fucking close to having no one left and it's your own damn fault.
He pulls at the collar of his shirt as he tries to wrestle his key into the apartment door. His hands are shaking so badly that it takes two, three tries before he hears the click of the lock. He reaches forward to turn the knob and his hand slips off a couple times, slick with sweat. He swallows and closes his eyes and thinks breathe, Geoff. It's gonna be fine. Just tell her how you feel. Be honest with her. And remember, you're gonna come back here after and we're gonna cuddle and drink hot chocolate and laugh at Otto.
Why?
I'm making him facetime me from his girlfriend's house later because he's gonna try and put some shit up on her walls for her.
Why?
Awsten gave him the biggest smirk at that. Because he's going to fail and I'm going to be there for all of it.
You won't even be able ta see it! That was Otto. And then the entire conversation dissolved into an argument between the two of them that ended a lot of popcorn being thrown, kernels and tickles, crackling as they crushed it into the floor, punctuated by the best music he's ever heard pouring from Awsten's mouth.
Awsten's laugh is the best sound he's ever heard, so light and airy and gleeful. His eyes crinkle and he brings a hand to his mouth and sometimes it's that silent laughter, watching as his tummy shakes and his face creases but not actually hearing anything. It sounds like the warmth, the liquid sunshine he feels is bleeding through his body every time he's around Awsten. It sounds familiar and known and home, the way he's treading through a sea of hehatesyouyou'reworthlessgokillyourselfyoumeannothing, choking on the mouthfuls of water, about to go under and he hears that sound and travels in that direction and feels like he has a path, a place, feels like he has something to swim to.
He has something to swim to.
And he's trying to remember that, he's trying to imagine himself back in that apartment with the pale blue walls and yellow accents and hey, guess what Otto fucked up today? and popcorn flying everywhere and laughter emanating through the walls and warmth and sunshine warmth and sunshine warmth and sunshine warmth and sunshine warmth and sunshine.
Warmth and sunshine.
"Geoff?"
He feels the twinge in his neck from how fast he lifts his head.
She's standing a few feet away, dressed in sweats and an old t-shirt – one of his old t-shirts with a cardigan draped around her shoulders, nursing a mug in both her hands. Her hair is in a messy bun with tendrils framing the sides of her face, which is devoid of all makeup. She doesn't look too upset but the circles under her eyes are darker and her cheeks are pinker.
"Uh, h-hi," he forces out. Calm down calm down you're fine stop it you cannot freak out on her again.
"Do you wanna sit down?"
YOU ARE READING
dichotomy ; gawsten
Fanfiction"He had everything, but felt nothing. He had nothing, but felt everything." geoff is in a famous band. awsten is from a small town in the middle of nowhere. they couldn't be more different. maybe that's for the best.
