dichotomy ; gawsten

forty

heavy trigger warning for anxiety/panic attacks

Awsten has a panic attack.

Geoff has to practically carry him into the car. He has his cane and he's trying to use it, but his hands are shaking so badly that he keeps dropping it. The little he's able to use it proves only to be a hindrance, as Geoff watches him jerk it all over the place and run into a fire hydrant, one that he hypothetically should've known was there.

The car ride is punctuated by his heaving sobs. Geoff keeps one hand on the steering wheel and rubs his back with the other, tries to reach for his hand. Awsten snatches it away and curls into himself. His knees come up to his chest and his head goes down into them. He keeps sobbing.

They're the worst kind. Ragged. Choked. It sounds like someone's trying to come up his throat, tearing holes in his vocal chords as they dig their talons into the lining of his esophagus and try to crawl all way up. They're ripping his throat open, shredding the pieces that float in the form of nausea down into his stomach. Awsten dry heaves once, twice – a third time that has Geoff just about ready to pull over – but nothing comes up except snot and mucus and the guttural sound of the cries tearing themselves out of his throat.

He breaks all sorts of traffic laws and almost runs two red lights in his haste to get to the hospital. His heart is racing and his hands are shaking too. The feeling is there, it's back, it's like a dormant disease that has been reactivated and is now snaking its way around to the front of his skull, dripping down his throat and into the pit of his stomach.

What's going on what's happening is Otto okay Otto has to be okay Awsten's not okay if Otto's not okay nothing's okay everything is falling apart it's all falling apart fuckfuckfuck- He forces a breath in, bites his lip, and exhales.

You cannot fall apart. You cannot fall apart right now. Awsten needs you more than you need to panic. Awsten needs you more than you need to panic.

Awsten needs you more than you need to panic.

He opens his door and slides out of the car, and then moves around to the other side. He opens the door and puts a hand on Awsten's shoulder, slowly curls his fingers around the muscle and helps Awsten out of the car, pulls him into a hug as soon as his feet touch the ground.

Awsten's face immediately finds his neck and he cries, presses so close and burrows so deep. Geoff stretches around him to shut the car door and hits the button on his keys to lock it. And then he wraps his free arm around Awsten and squeezes as tight as possible, "it's gonna be okay, sunshine. He's gonna be okay, I promise."

Awsten needs you more than you need to panic.

...

He can't breathe.

He can't breathe he can't think he can't move-

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckOttoaccidentdeaddyinggonefuckfuckfuck

Accident hurt hospital fuckfuckfuck nonononono- he can't breathe he can't move he can't see it's stars it's all stars the black is moving it's all moving he's dizzy everything is moving why is everything moving who tipped the world on its side it's a ball isn't it but balls aren't supposed to move why is it moving why is everything moving it's not supposed to be moving why is it moving-

His chest hurts everything hurts it all hurts fuckfuckfuck- there are stingers pressing into his skin, ants that have woken from their seemingly-decade long rest, swarming around under his skin, pushing against the walls and finally managing to tear through, pushing, swarming, burning, stinging. It stings it hurts it burns he doesn't know why it's happening he wants it to stop it won't stop why the fuck won't stop why won't any of this stop stopstopstop-