mild trigger warnings for anxiety and panic attacks
Things lapse into silence.
His mouth feels dry. Tumbleweeds are bouncing across the width. Every word that dares come up to the threshold of his throat gets caught, tangled in the spores. They wrap themselves around it and squeeze until it dissolves and absorbs and fuels fluidly back into making the weed grow even more.
There's an ache behind his eyes. It feels like someone blew a spitball and it splattered right against the inside of his skull. It moves with him, drips onto fresh parts of the bone every time he turns his head from one side to the other. It's like liquid that moves around and creates ruts the more it does, crevices to settle into and build up in.
He can't look at Awsten.
He can't stop looking at Awsten.
He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know anything, anymore. His stomach is flipping, building up into a tidal wave of panic-infused nausea and crashing over and over and over. It's a pool of panic and he's jumping in head first, fully-clothed, no goggles and no air and no breath left in his body.
He doesn't know- "Awsten!" The voice is new. He's never heard it before. It's a feminine voice, although it doesn't sound very old at all. It sounds really young, in fact. He looks up, bites his lip and tightens his grip on the armrest of the chair as he makes eye contact with her.
She has pink hair. And a septum piercing. She's not wearing any makeup. She has on a really baggy shirt he's seen Otto wearing multiple times around his and Awsten's apartment. Is she- could she be-
He blinks rapidly to clear his vision, watches as she calls out Awsten's name one more time. She moves over to the chair he's curled in just in time for him to shoot forward and straight into her arms. She catches him and wraps both her arms around his back. Awsten lifts his torso up and proceeds to drape himself over her body, buries his face in her neck and keeps tightening his grip around his waist.
"-babe, it's gonna be okay. Can you take a breath for me? I can't understand anything you're saying Aws, c'mon, breathe..." He's close enough to hear what she's saying. Her lips are pressed against Awsten's ear as she rubs his back.
There's a pang, a thorn that presses in, digs further into the bottom of his chest cavity, tunnels through to reach his heart. He swallows thickly, feels the saliva run down his esophagus and settle in a layer at the base of his stomach.
"You're Geoff, right?" He freezes. The switch flips and his heart is back to racing. He looks up into her eyes and presses down harder on his lip. She's standing in front of him, now. Awsten is still attached to her front, grip tight around her waist, and one of her hands is rubbing his back, but she reaches the other one out to him.
He straightens and takes it. "Yeah. You're..."
"Grace," she says softly. "Otto's girlfriend."
Her voice is shaky. He can hear the tears. Now that she's right in front of him, he can see the dried tear tracks on her cheeks and the broken blood vessels in her eyes. "Is-" Her voice breaks. "Was there any more news?"
She just shot an arrow, stabbed his heart. He can feel the blood leaking out and trickling down, paint layers of pain adding to the chaos that has become his stomach. "A doctor came out a while ago," he says. "But that was a really long time ago so they should have more news soon I-" He pauses. "Is there anything I can do?"
"You've done enough." She smiles as she says the words. "Really, thank you. Thank you for keeping him stable until I got here. He and Otto-"
"Yeah." He looks back down, watches the ground and Grace and Awsten's feet as she leads him over to the other end of the set of chairs.
Thank you for keeping him stable. Like he did anything. Like he was of any use in the hour they've been here. Like his presence in this situation did anything to ease Awsten's pain.
You need Awsten all the time you're so fucking needy all the time and the one time he needs you the one time he's going through a severe traumatic experience and you can't even do anything to help he doesn't need you he needs Otto he doesn't need you he needs Otto he doesn't need you he needs Otto he doesn't need you you're not important-
"N-no," he forces out. The word cracks and comes up as more of a cough. You need him way more than he needs you he doesn't need you he needs Otto he's dating you or pity it's for pity you're pity he doesn't care about you he doesn't need you it's pity you're pity pitypitypity-
...
"C-can I see him?"
"Of course you can. Follow me."
He's going to fall over he feels like he's going to fall over if it weren't for Grace's hands on his waist he would've fallen over he's so dizzy everything is spinning everything is moving he wants to sleep he doesn't want this anymore it's a nightmare he wants to wake up he wants to wake up he wants to sleep-
"He's blind," Grace says from behind. Her grip on his waist tightens. He leans back against her and takes in a ragged breath. His chest keeps sparking, like someone's throwing new logs into the fire, stoking it higher and higher as the seconds pass. It feels like he's going to explode. "So, um- could I-"
"Oh, definitely!"
"Here, Aws." Grace's hands leave his waist and he feels her move to his right side. "Take my elbow."
Otto always has his arm around his waist. Otto does all the leading, supports him against his side, rubs his back and draws patterns in his side with his fingers, feels when his heart starts to beat faster in public and seamlessly adapts his behavior to accommodate. OttoOttoOtto-
He can't register anything. It feels like he's on a separate plane of existence, like he's floating above his body. He can't control anything. Everything feels off nothing feels right it all feels wrong he doesn't know what's happening wrongwrongwrong OttoOttoOtto-
"You can go in first." Grace grabs his hand and moves it up, until he feels the braille letters embossed into the nameplate next to the door. "Just- don't take too long, okay?" Her voice breaks at the end.
"Love you," he whispers. He turns around and feels for her shoulder to pull her into a hug. "So much. Thank you."
"I love you too," Grace says tearily. "The door's open. He's smiling at you, Aws. Straight ahead, okay?"
Smiling alive okay smiling alive okay smilingaliveokay- he almost trips as he turns back around. His heart is racing. His hands are shaking. The shadows are shifting so fast in front of him. Hot cold hot cold hot cold OttoOttoOtto-
He walks forward, stumbles and wobbles and almost trips again. His hands are shaking his legs are shaking everything is shaking he's dizzy he wants to sleep he feels like he's gonna pass out-
"Almost there, Aws. Just a few more steps."
Otto.
He runs.
He doesn't know where or how far or what's going on he can't think he can't breathe it feels like he's going to explode and then there are arms on his shoulders and he's pulled into the air and his chest hits another and he smells antiseptic and sterilization and hospital but he burrows farther and presses nose to collarbone and there it is it's there it's back it's here he's back he's home OttoOttoOtto.
"Hey, don't cry. I'm okay. Everything's okay."
"You're...okay?"
"I'm okay."
YOU ARE READING
dichotomy ; gawsten
Fanfiction"He had everything, but felt nothing. He had nothing, but felt everything." geoff is in a famous band. awsten is from a small town in the middle of nowhere. they couldn't be more different. maybe that's for the best.
